hey anyone what wants to read lol

hi
i have been to these people at a center called "mandala center" they seemed to have allot to think and say about me but i joined one of their therapeutic group things that they call it after all the other shrinks and mental health people never did no help or good i thought i would give this thing a try....

i found it rather patronizing and under my age limit (if ya like) it did not help and i found myself leaving their with a few more disorders added to my name.

i understand some of the ways and whys on how they do things but it did not feel deep enough and i now seem to be worse of mentally.
i know i have bpd i feel it all the time....but the others i seem to feel but not quite i feel very lost in my mental health after getting to grips with it but then forgetting my feelings the first time i had when i had got to grips if that makes any sense lol i always go numb after something positive of stop feeling the importance of things ....i think in everyone their drive to do things comes from knowing and feeling the importance but i cant seem to maintain that . well any thaughts come to you from my little blog

Hi, annamw! Are you working with a proper therapist? I know they can be hard to find.. You could try journaling to help you remember the feelings and what you were thinking, maybe.

1. Before there was written language, there was spoken language
2. Before there was spoken language, there was body language
3. Before there was body language, there were people
4. Before there were people, there was life
5. Before there was life, there was Earth
6. I'm using more intuition than any sort of reasoning, but before there was earth there some sort of space occupied by some sort of matter
7. I'm using intuition again, but before there was space occupied by some sort of matter, there was some sort of heaven or purpose

Through all of time, as it's been dissected in Western and other cultures, we've come to know or believe certain things about history. Through all of our studies, nobody, not one person, has any clue what's going on here. The closest you'll get to a conscious understanding of the world is faith.

As things happened, as time passed, one thing remained constant, that everything changed. If you ask yourself, what set the pace of change, what set the way of change, from the times of people, to the times of dinosaurs, to the time of mostly water life, to the time of no life, to the time of earth, to the time of no earth, to the time of space, to the time of alleged no space, to the time of heavens, to the time of the ultimate purpose. . . . If you ask yourself what governs change, you'll have a difficult time coming up with a word. You could call it god, gods will, gods purpose, and you may be right. But in absence of a good word, in absence of written language, in absence of spoken language and in absence of people, there is still something, a set of rules, a flow of energy, that governs change. Whatever you call it, if you call it god, if don't believe it's anything. If you spend your whole life trying to use western science to explain what it is, no matter how you approach it, it is there.

If you're looking for a purpose, looking for a way to feel at peace with the world and at peace with your existence, there were some wise Chinese men who attempted to paint a broad spoken/written explanation for the flow of energy in the world. They attempted to give a broad explanation that the world flowed in perfect harmony, changing as it was meant to change. There is no judgement for how a river flows, how a plant grows, how a rabbit feeds or how a hawk soars. Before we could write, before we could speak, there was no judgement for how man roamed, how man defended himself or how man reproduced himself. There were no words, no thought, it flowed with the harmony of nature, people living and dying as nature intended, with no thought, no words to explain or judgement of actions. People lived one-minded, focused on the outcome of each days actions.

Now, today we have words, today we attempt to describe, explain and control everything in our lives. With words come judgement, with judgement comes ego, with ego comes the ability to hate one's self and others.

Set down the judgment. Realize you are not a set of words or ideas, you are a part of nature. You are as you are. Nobody better, nobody worse. There is no concept of right or concept of wrong. People pack together against you instinctively to protect themselves and their group. You might solidify yourself against them in order to protect yourself, your ego. None of those words, none of that ego means anything to the nature of the world. Let go of all control. Let go of all ego. They are not better than you because they're warm. You are not better than them because you're logical. They will die, just as you die. They live just as you live. Do not judge any of it and do not fight any of it. It is the way of the world, nature, Tao. If you want live peacefully stop fighting. You have purpose to be here, or you wouldn't be here. The pack doesn't have to accept you and you don't have to accept the pack. Each of you is still here regardless of the words and judgement passed from either side. Just let all of that go, stop fighting people, stop fighting nature. If it hurts peoples feelings when you speak your mind and they rally against you. Stop speaking. If your life crumbles when you use drugs, stop using drugs. And if you want to find something to put in place of the rapid thoughts and faulty explanations of the world, I've found peace to be that thing. Close your eyes, breath, feel the calm, purpose of life. You are here, for a reason. If you're standing in line and feel anxious, breath, even close your eyes, who cares what they think. Thinking is nothing. The world is the world whether there is a thought or not. When you feel frustrated with something a friend or significant other said, breath, feel that peace. When you embrace the action of non action, everything that was meant to be will be. Your purpose will be fulfilled and your soul will be soothed.

The only thing you can do is let go of control and know the fact that you're here is fact that you have purpose. Flow with nature. Find your nature and do it non-judgmentally. If you're cooler like a cat, not warmer like a pack oriented dog, then be a cat. If you're warmer like a dog, not cooler like a cat, then be a dog. Nature has room for both. The dogs don't have to like cats and the cats don't have to share with the dogs, but there is no judgement to any of it, everything just is.

To top it off, with a not so deep tone, the advice I can best give to people with BPD is to stop caring what other people think. Once you put down judgement and exectation, you will find yourself. The only guarantee about finding yourself I can give is that when you find yourself, it is not going to be what you've always wanted to see. If you wanted to see it, you'd already have seen it. The reason you don't see it is because you've hidden it and the reason you hid it is because you hate it. You hate yourself. It's going to have fault, things you judge now as negative, but when you recognize your purpose is not to be what the majority judge as good and right, when you recognize their opinions are only empty thoughts, you can follow your purpose. You can act by non action and you will be sustained the way nature is sustained as long as nature intends, with no stress, no unfulfilled strife. You will just be, and it will be peaceful. Oh, and part of your way is to have sex, to feel good, to feel bad, to feel angry, to defend your boundaries. . . . But don't do it with thought. Don't do it with conscious action. Do it with sub conscious/un conscious action. Don't try to do anything and when you don't try to do anything, nature will take over and you will do something, you just won't have a thought or judgement about it. It will happen as it was meant to happen, and there will be no stress.

All these words, so little truth. Everything I just wrote, none of it explains nature, but hopefully it gives an idea that you have purpose. You're here, something put you here, and if it didn't you're still here. Just be. The way to just be is to be one minded and the way to be one minded is to start with your breath. That's the first thing you did when you were born, it makes sense that when you're all screwed up by these thoughts and judgements to go back to square one. Go back to breathing. It won't happen right away, but pretty soon your reaction to everything will be to breath and when it's time to defend yourself, defend your breath, you won't think, you'll just do it, the same way nature has always done.

dp