New to site, self-harming question

Hello, I'm new to the site. I don't know if I have BPD or not. I fit 5 of the 9 criteria, but I'm not sure about anything yet.

I was abandoned when I was a baby. I don't feel like I have huge abandonment issues, but maybe it's because I don't get close to many people. If I'm in a relationship, one of two things will happen. I will completely lose myself in my partner and when they break up with me I will probably have a major freak out. OR I if they are really into me, I just wake up one day and can no longer bear to be touched by them. I can still love them and value their friendship, but it makes me physically ill to be kissed or held romantically.

I have had ONE decent relationship in my adult life. It lasted 2 years (after 6 months, there was no physical intimacy). Otherwise, I've had a handful of very brief, very intense relationships with Narcy boys - where I get spectacularly dumped and in more than one case proceed to unleash my righteous anger on the person for setting me up to fall.

In my mid twenties, I had a relationship with a narcissistic psychopath that really did damage to my mind. It was that point that I started pulling hairs out of my legs. At first it was pulling, but it turned into picking (extracting all the ingrown hairs I've caused) and my legs are heavily scarred. It's a strange combination of self-mortification and self-soothing. I get mad at myself for whatever and attack my legs. I get upset at something, it takes my mind away for a while.

I have had several episodes of 'picking' in my life - usually spurred on by boredom and isolation - but they always stopped. I've been picking my legs on a recurrent basis for well over 10 years now, and I don't really see an end to it. I don't WANT to do it, but then again I do. Sometimes I mourn the loss of my legs (never being able to wear shorts or skirts, always having to hide) but then again I've learned to cope so well. I almost don't even care about it. I know this summer I will visit my family and they will look and tsk-tsk-tsk, but they will never confront me about it. I'm not filled with anxiety, not trying to bargain with myself that I must stop by X date so they can heal up some. Like it's part of me now, like a mole or stretch marks.

I've seen a couple of different mental health professionals and tried self help routes. The narcy psycho came back in my life a few years ago and caused a bunch of fresh wreckage, but this time I figured out what he is and what he was trying to do. All the bits and pieces of our first relationship make sense to me now - I can see how he was manipulating me and I am rather shocked to realize how eagerly I sucked up his abuse and asked for more. Then he came back into my life and within a few months I was completely back in his vortex. I can see that I have a pattern of self-devaluation. I feel that I am healing well from that toxic relationship - and I've been trying to figure out what it is in me that has made me so willing to sell myself short over and over again.

I can't decide if the self-harm is some sort of PTSD symptom or if I am BPD (maybe BPD-lite?). I value my life, I would never kill myself but I do get depressed to the point of thinking 'I can't go on'. Then my inner voice shames me for my selfishness because other people have it much worse then me I'm not histrionic, - I've had my moments but my day-to-day life is very calm and measured. I can be narcissistic - I have a healthy ego without grandiosity, but my self worth does NOT hinge on the approval of other people, and I am a major major empath. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but I do value myself highly in someways, but obviously not much in others.

I am laid back when it comes to others, but very intense about myself. People say I work too hard. I have frequently been told that I need to 'relax' - but I can't stand the thought of NOT doing my best.

There has GOT to be something going on with me - I've been hanging around in limbo looking for a definition and explanation.

I reckon a huge part of posting this is to get my thoughts out - but if anyone has feedback or wants to discuss the finer points of self-mortification, I'd be grateful.

Cheers,
leafy

Hey leafy,

Your piece at the end (about being "intense" about yourself) got me thinking about OCD and OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder). Also the parts about working too hard and needing to rest did the same. I didn't get the typical BPD vibe from reading your post, so maybe OCD/OCPD are possibilities. The fact that you pick your legss also relates back to these possibilities. What did the professional that you saw actually say to you?; and why didn't you proceed any further with them? I imagine that you didn't really get anything out of it, which is why we're seeing you here on this website right now.

I do'nt have much else to say - my apologies - but I think that it really would be worth your while looking up OCPD especially. I doubt that what you're suffering is related to PTSD, as again I do'nt get that vibe from your post.

Regarding your ex's, it's best that they are firmly left in the past. You have learned from the experiences eith them i'm sure.

TAke care
Kevin

Hi there.

My view on self-harm: I'm BPD and I usually self-harm to relieve intense self-loathing feelings. I also have suicidal urges, but those feelings are very distinct from self-harm. When I self-harm I am just doing something distracting and superficial, and I generally feel relief as well as shame.

Self-harm, for me, can range from cutting, hitting, auto-depilation... sometimes even a homemade brazilian waxing (killing two birds with one stone by engaging in a painful beauty ritual?). I started with plucking out hairs around my knees and legs around 13, this strange destructive response to my mother telling me I couldn't shave my legs (which got me mercilessly teased at school). I sometimes compulsively pull out head hairs or pubic hairs, too, usually when I'm nervous or thinking, though I think this is more a compulsion than a traditional self-harm. I think my cutting is fairly typical. I have a number of cutting implements hidden I can use at times of high stress to produce superficial damage in areas that aren't very publicly visible.

I'm not sure if your question was trying to characterize what category self-mutilation falls into... I'm sure it's not exclusive to BPD, but in case you wanted another opinion on what kinds of self-harm BPD's have, no, I don't think it needs to be associated with suicidal thoughts.

Thanks chucky and littleslip.

In the past, it was suggested by a GP that I was BPD because of the self-harming. She sent me to CBT, where the counselor refused to diagnose me but instead worked on techniques to get me to deal with the things I needed to work on (at the time, depression, self-harm and emotional alcohol dependence).

At that time, the BPD label seemed incorrect because I'm not about extreme demonstrations of feelings - but Emotional Dysmorphia (I think I got that right?) feels like it could describe what goes on inside my head. I've recently noticed how out of proportion my emotional responses are to relatively minor incidences, but I internalize everything . I also see that I am out-of-touch with my self in many ways, I feel too much about stupid things but feel very little about important things. Sense of identity is something else I always struggled with.

I've been treated for depression in the past (medically, no counseling) but I gave up on it because it didn't help - and because I tend to give up on things. I've done a few other attempts at counseling, but I HATE the multiple choice approach to diagnoses and I've never met a counselor that impressed me.

The thing that I doubt about me being OCD is that I absolutely loathe most rituals. I like order and require structure to function effectively but the idea of doing anything the same way over and over bores me to tears.

I'd say I was BiPolar, but I don't think I've ever had a manic episode. I can be impulsive sometimes but nothing that compares to what I've heard about proper mania. Maybe what I experience is hypomania (?) guess I need to learn more about it. But that doesn't explain everything either.

As for self-harm - what you wrote was helpful littleslip. I was wondering about the various methods and the compulsion behind it. It might be assumed because I pull hair that I have Trich, but isn't Trich just a set of behaviors that could be caused by several issues? What makes one person pull and another one cut? Is it all essentially the same thing or is there a symbolism behind difference? Maybe the magnitude of pain is the difference.

Hey,

I'm not too well informed on the different types of bipolar, but the fact remains that there ARE different ones. If you look up 'bipolar spectrum disorders', you'd see a list of them I'm sure. What you have could be Bipolar II, but I do'nt know enough about it to say that with confidence. There's also cyclothymia, I think, amongst others.

How many counsellors have you been through? I do'nt think that you'll ever meet a truly magnificent counsellor... just get from them what you can. Having someone to talk to - no matter who they are - is good

Kevin

Chucky wrote:How many counsellors have you been through? I do'nt think that you'll ever meet a truly magnificent counsellor... just get from them what you can. Having someone to talk to - no matter who they are - is good

Kevin

Thanks for the reply Kevin.

I've been mulling it over for the last few days, reading about whatever I could find in regards to self-harm and bipolar.

At this stage, I feel like what I am is BPD in recovery. There is much about my life that I repressed. I tend to think of myself as 'fine' because I can show up to work everyday and because I function independently, but there have been many many episodes in my life where I have been very NOT fine. There has been violence against myself and against other people, there has been lots of rage, addiction and low self value. I have driven so many people away, but I just sort of forget about it because I could tell myself there WAS a reason for my reaction - I didn't pay attention to the fact my actions were out of proportion. Because I'm SPECIAL! See? Because I feel deeply! Because I move on - lose friends, move, change my social habits, I get to 'reset' and everything can be FINE.

A combination of self-help, therapy, maturity (as in understanding the reality of the consequences of actions and being tired of blowing up bridges), shutting my self off from people, medicating with alcohol and maintaining emotional distance has got me to a point in life where I can control myself to a large degree. I feel like I'm in recovery - without even knowing what I was recovering from.

Maybe I'm wrong, but there isn't any other explanation that I can find that makes sense. This is a life-long, persistent problem. I don't see me ever being different.

I need to consider seeing a counselor to discuss this, but in the end I don't know what difference it will make. I'm pretty cool with things the way they are, and I know if I really want to change things I have to power to control my self to a large degree.

OK, it's damn scary that I'm OK with things the way they are. But I keep telling myself that I can fix things when I am ready to.

And you know I'm pretty scared of saying to ANYBODY that I think I'm BPD because of when they might assume about me. Will the doctor look at me like the one did when I showed her the scars on my legs? Would my sister be afraid to let me be around her children? Will my mother tell me that I'm weak and that I need to stop trying to create drama?

Isn't it better if I just shut up and deal with it in my own way? Decide for myself what I am and what I'm going to do about it?

Or am I just back to making everything FINE?

Hi,

I'm unsure how to comment on your previous post. I think that a fresh perspective would be helpful for you because to me it seems as if you are getting along alright, but - yes - things are more difficult for you than they are for others. You've developed afew techniques for coping that aren't the most ideal, but you can work on them I guess. I do'nt know ... it seems like you've pulled through the worst part and are now in a 'quiet' period of your problems, but you should have developed enough coping skills by now such that things should never become too difficult again.

I can understand why you do'nt want to open up to a doctor about this, but there's a difference between a doctor and a friend/family member - i.e. the doctor is experienced in mental illnesses and shouldn't judge before hearing your side of the story. Family and friends, however, typically resort to their pre-conceived ideas about mental illnesses without ever trying to understand you. They judge you based on their emotional responses...

Kevin

Sorry Kevin, that was just an emotional outpouring. It wasn't directed at you.

I suppose I was hoping someone would come along and say 'I know exactly how you feel' so I could get some validation.

But then what I was saying is that I don't need validation! Oops.

My gut response to 'why you don't want to open up to a doctor about this' is because doctors are humans and humans let me down. They don't know me, they just know what I tell them and what I tell them is going to be dependent on

1. how much time we have
2. the 'topic' of the day
3. what they want to hear

My last therapist (for CBT) was a post-doc student who was obviously under a deadline to produce a case-study. She was all 'hurry, hurry' and proclaimed me to be better when I had a streak of 2 weeks of being strong and confident. Before we started our last session, she said (off tape) 'I have to submit this tape for review, so please play along with what I say' . I quit going to her after that session.

What I got from her, I could have gotten from a book. To my mind, I have no reason to expect it will be any different next time.

I appreciate your responses, but it seems apparent that I'm on a rant that I don't need to lay on your shoulders.
I guess I have a lot of stuff to process and I do need to find the right outlet for my questions.

Cheers,
Leafy Lee

Leafy,

I'm not a p-doc. And that's where I think you should be looking if you want a clinical definition for what is going on with you.

But, unlike Chucky, all I could read in your posts was classic BPD phrasing. Your diction seems to convey evidence of strong black and white thinking, the splitting of yourself and others, a sense of being identity-less, and struggles with abandonment.

Trich, while it holds its own discrete and finite place within the DSM, can also be seen to perhaps be part of other disorders, as you have so aptly discussed. Does trich exist separately from anxiety or depression? Can it be distinguished from OCD? I think, ultimately, questions like these don't truly matter. You don't need a perfect DSM label -- what you need is a way of communicating the problems in living that you are currently experiencing.

So, given that, if I had to box you in, BPD seems to be the set of clothes that gives you the most fitting silhouette. The trich behaviours could then, in this context, no longer be trich, but just be, as you've said, self-harm, and, ipso facto, BPD.

Go to a psychiatrist, see what happens. Regardless of the label, it sounds as though you'd like some help. And that's all that matters.

Sorry it has taken me so long to say Thanks To You BE. I meant to do it dozens of time but was just slack.

I took the advice given and arranged an appointment with a GP to see what my options are. She was really nice (the young and ideal sort) but said since I am not a suicide risk that my options would be few. She said she'd make a referral though and see what happens. I didn't hold out much hope and had decided in my head that I was back on the self-help road.

Well less than a week later, I get a call from mental health services saying that they'd booked me in for two weeks from now with a qualified professional for an initial interview. They are going to diagnose me! This I did not expect. Last time it took MONTHS to get seen. I had almost stopped caring about my problems by the time I got help.

I'm writing this post for two reasons - one to say that any one wondering about their status (and with the means to see a GP) should just go ahead and do it.

The second reason is that when I let myself think about it, I'm rather freaked. I practice so much control and denial of my feelings for myself in my every day life, when I talked to the GP I was honest and emotional and I guess it was enough to get me in in a hurry. It's all mind reading and worst case scenario-ing, but I feel like I was THAT freaksome. When I got the call, my first thought was 'I don't want to know' but I'm lucky to get what I asked for and need to take advantage of the opportunity.

There was a moment last week where I almost cried for the feeling of being so out-of-touch with my emotions but my brain suppressed suppressed suppressed so it just went away.