BPD success!! Really long!! but it feels really good

So. . . here's the background. I have this job. I work with a bunch of engineers. I'm a technician. I've been at my company for 3 years. For two and a half years I was in the dark with my BPD. I was severely insecure. The more secure a person was around me, the more jealous I was. So there were a couple people, in particular, I clashed with. Of course, like a typical BPDer, I'm an emotional wreck. These people get the best of me. I try to fight back. I'm sure I made their lives a little frustrating, but I'm slowly spiraling down. At the same time, the other relationships in my life are spiraling down. It's not going good. This new woman is hired. Women engineers are nasty anyway, but this lady is having none of my crap. It gets much worse. The other people tip toed around me. This woman wasn't about to play that game. My work just blows up on me. My home life blows up. I attempt suicide (very serious attempt.) I just miss. I get my neck sowed up and put in the hospital for a week. I GIVE UP!! White flag waived. I GIVE UP.

So I take a couple weeks off. I go back to work with this disgusting scar on my neck. It's healed REALLY well though. I'm actually not even worried about it anymore. But I go back. I'm so unstable, I'm sure these people connect the dots.

But I stop talking. Rather than butting in, trying to make my insecure self feel valid, I stay out. I'm the quietest person in our office. I'm don't even have a plan, I'm just deflated and have no confidence that I can get this right. Some of the people I've known for two and a half years, they sort of keep their space. I think they have a pretty good idea I'm messed up in ways they can't understand. They just sort of give me a, "yeah, we'll keep our distance" vibe. The other lady, the new one, she's still ice cold. She's not buying this new act. I mean, she's ICE cold. Over the months everyone else has sort of warmed up to the point where it's really good working relationships.

Well, for 6 months or so, I've been super quiet. In my spare time I was researching psychopathy/antisocial, thinking for sure, that was me. Who could do this kind of damage other than pure evil. Then I realized after spending time at that forum, I'm not nearly as cool and consciousless as those guys. So I come here (I was diagnosed borderline anyway.) So I start researching borderline. I come to this forum. It all fits like a glove. And now, since I believe I have a soul, I start trying to nurture that. I've always loved nature and felt a connection to it. My therapist (who is a brilliant psychologist IMO, he has a reputation for being great. I was lucky to even get an appointment with him and it was for a eval only, but he decided he wanted to see me, said I had to come every week, didn't tell me I was boderline, but diagnosed me as borderline) He introduced me to the book the Tao of Pooh. Taoism isn't a religion, it's just the idea that things work in a perfectly natural manner and the more in tune with that a person is, the more calm and fulfilling the life. Everything has a place, including me. I start to feel this sense of purpose, that I have a place in this world.

This whole time I'm not saying a word, I'm just starting to feel better from within, My marriage is going up and down. Being alone isn't so good for marriages. But I'm slowly starting to build this inner love/confidence/spirituality.

So now that I feel good about myself (still in early phases, I still sort of resort back to defensiveness, especially when I socialize too much) but I'm feeling good.

Now this last month, all of my biggest gains are just sort of happening. I'm not even really trying anything different. All of the people at work are starting to talk to me more and more. It's not me butting in. It's natural, mutual conversations. I'm certainly not Mr. Popular, but I'm friendly, respectful and when I talk, it's about things I'm interested in. When I was butting in to not feel left out, it was blowing up. So all of the people at my work are coming around to me and it feels good. I'm makeing sure not to start filling my cup with it. The whole reason my cup is even half full is because I filled it from within. But I'm enjoying these new, friendly conversations at work. I can see a new type of trust and openness from these guys/gals. The one girl is still just ICE cold. Zero budge. She does not believe this is real. She's seen my type before and you can tell she doesn't think change is real. No trust.

But slowly, I start browsing the internet at work too much. Everyone does it, but I'm doing it WAY too much. This guy, a guy I did NOT get along with for 2 and a half years approaches me and tells me he notices it and it's hurting his project. He's upset. He DOES NOT want to have this conversation. I listen to him. I get it. And you know what happens when I'm not insecure? Well, the exact opposite of what happens when I am insecure. I didn't follow some DBT training manual. I didn't do some cognitive behavior technique. I listened to him. I was aware of what he was saying and what it meant to him. I could tell how he felt. I said, "Chad, I can tell you don't want to have this conversation. You're making perfect sense to me. It's over. From this moment forward, it's over." and I say this with a little edge. I can see he get's a little defensive, but I wasn't upset with him, I was disappointed with myself. I wasn't insecure either. I was in the moment, naturally, because my heart and head were aligned. I sensed his energy and I said, "Chad, I'm not upset with you. I've seen this coming. I'm upset with me. It's over. I've never said this to you, but I respect you a lot for being fair. You're naturally fair and it means a lot to me. This is over, I completely get what you're saying." His energy turned to completely relaxed. He smiled, with a half laugh/half sigh of relief. He said, "I didn't even want to say anything. We all do it. I take breaks too. . . . We can just keep it reasonable and everything sort of works out."

Now, this was a huge breakthrough. This guy is a leader. The next day (today) the respect I have in the office takes off to this new level I don't remember ever feeling this type of mutual connection in a work/social environment. Literally, since I was a child, I don't remember feeling this comfortable in a social environment. I'm not confused. I'm not paranoid. People aren't sending off weird signals of discomfort. People are open, they see me, they're relaxed. It's like a whole different world.

And this girl, who's been cold for me, literally since August is now talking to me. She's reaching out TO ME. She's relaxed, interested in what I have to say, trusting, warm. She's also a leader.

I haven't used any DBT (but I have read about it and I do use the acceptance as part of my spirituality.) For me, the only thing I really take from DBT is radical acceptance. The rest of those rules, it seems to me if you're secure and filled from within, it all comes natural.

I'm still an oddball. I'm still quiet. I'm still a unique thinker. But now I'm secure and when I'm not defensive, people have this natural way of appreciating my differences. I don't have to go rub anything in. I don't have to speak louder to get my point across. I'm just happy from within. I talk when there is something mutual to talk about and I keep to myself otherwise. It's just natural. I don't talk as much as they do, I don't have as much in common, but what we do have in common is respect for each other. Not everyone has to be Mr. Mrs. life of the party. My natural way is to just sort of blend in. It's just natural. It works. It's calm.

Now, I've been on a long hiatus from my inlaws (who have close relationships with my wife and kids.) I sense a nervous energy from them still, but they have not seen this new change in me, this new comfort. I have a memorial day weekend coming up, at their cabin. It's been a huge stress trigger for me. The last time I went, I had a MAJOR breakdown. That was 9 months ago though. I have good habits at work. I don't have good habits with this situation. I think I'm going to start with the same approach I had at work. I'm going to keep to myself a lot. I'm going to bring things to do. I'm going to do things with my wife and kids alone at times. I'm going to bring my bike, my PS3.



So yeah, life is starting to feel better. And if anyone wants to know the reason why. . . It's because I RADICALLY accepted that I am DIFFERENT but it's AWESOME to be DIFFERENT. I always wanted to be well liked and the type who was really outgoing and social, but I AM NOT. I'm very unique to the world. I don't relate really well with most people, but guess what, and you guys know this, our unique perspective is right lot of them. Our purpose is to be different, but do it in a way that blends in. We bring a different view and if we're secure about it, it can do great things for anything we're involved in. We are special. We don't have to shout from the roof tops that we're RIGHT to be valid. We can be happy from within. We have purpose. I guarantee you some amazing breakthoughs have come from people with BPD. Nobody credits it. We have rocky lives usually, but how many people who have done unique things have had bizarre, rocky social lives with insecurities / oddness. We can be distant, but if we love our families and are secure, we don't have to be parents just like other people expect. Our kids will respect us for being ourselves and when we're ourselves, we'll naturally give the most to our kids (the same way I give the most to my work by being myself.)

I truly see success. I feel it. I know it's getting better and I know it can happen for every single person here. Spirituality, filling from within, feeling secure, loveing yourself, knowing god LOVES YOU, not depending on people to fulfill you. . . Once you do that, the rest seems like it comes naturally.

wow!

Thats heaps encouraging. What a worthwhile, detailed and honest piece of reading.

It calmed me to read.

Thank you so much for posting this I'm in this state of feeling better and the moment and I'm questioning myself all the time - and your posting was very inspiring, especially the "Yeah! We're different!"-part. I believe we can feel good about ourselves and live a normal (even though sometimes difficult) life, too - you keep on going