a strange week

Ok so I have been trying to figure out what was wrong for so long.
The week started out with a rock bottom moment (I won't go into details) so I desided that it was time to try to pick my self up.
Realy low and confused on wake up I went down to the beach and thrw myself in the sea, pretty chilly this time of year especialy in the morning! It woke me up and I walked along the beach, lost and confused about everything.
I ended up at a small cove sheltered by the wind, it was a place were I went with my mum when I was realy small, I sat there and thought let's just let go, and see what is left.
I sudenly felt realy young, and happy. I lay there for hours, playing with stones and looking at the water in a child like way, I didn't care if anyone else saw me I was happy.
I have been frequenting that place every day since, and each time I come home I am more content than I have been in months if not years, not always but more often.
I have aloud my self to feel young at home and not stop my self from gigling at things that made me giggle.
Today a man told me a joke (I have been practicing letting my guards/defence mechanisms down)
I expirienced the joke, realy and I did somthing that I don't remember doing befor, I laughed honistly and truely, I didn't question it. What a lovely moment.
All my life or at least as long as I can remember I have questioned everything, my actions my ways of doing things, I'm trying not to do that any more if I can, at leasat less, because the more I let my self, the more I feel things truely.
I hope this makes sence.
I think it was from when I was young, my feelings were frowned apon often, and I think that stuck.
I know its not the end, but I do hope its a beginning.

It sounds like a wonderful week. I'm glad you had fun :3.

The way you described the time at the beach almost seems like a dissassociative type thing. I don't know if I'm just jumping to conclusions, though.

It is a great thing to be able to express happiness when you feel it. I'm glad you're getting that. :3 Much more giggles to you.

You may be right all I know is that over the years I have had to build my self, when I go out my guard goes up, and I find my self not truly expiriencing emotions like it should be naturaly.
And if that's happening how would I know what I like and dislike, it would be a never ending cycle of what I think I should like then back to sadness because I'm warn out and still don't know what I like.
I think that the ability to heal abit from all this is to let go, be safe and expirience what it is to enjoy things.

Its learning that all those guards and defence mechanisms are part of the inner anxiety from the past, and you can get so wrapped up in them that you are so rarely your self that you never learn to soothe
Never learn to enjoy truly.

For me, I can go to the pub, meet a lot of hot girls and meet freinds, I can "play" the part verry well
I have been called larger than life, a legand on ocasion lol. But when I leave, I come home and I'm sad
You know why? Because I missed the night at the pub because I was too bussy stacking my false self, the defence mechanisms and I never realy was at the pub, not properly.
So I'm trying not to use them, I want to learn to expirience what I have never expirience because of these defence mechanisms, shure they have there place, work meetings and hostage situations (I'm not a hostage taker... yet lol). What I'm learning is that I am a verry gental guy under all of this.

So mabe it is disasociating, but for the cause of feeling what was once hidden away beneath all the hurt and pain.
Mabe I'm bonkers but ill keep it up as long as I get to learn more of me

Yeah just be careful you don't end up doing it and throwing sand at someone or something XDDD

I think it's good to go through your mechanisms and try to be there . I wish you the best of luck with your life.

This mabe why (at least for me) I'm always bored, always smoking drinking, anything to keep bussy.
I never realy smoked a cigarett because I wanted too, it has always been to pass time, feel better ect.
In essance I never realy chose if I wanted to smoke them one after anouther, it was a habit to keep the day passing, the moments passing, the guards up. And for 30 years life has passed me by while drinking,smoking, drugs and loss and lonleyness.
I have strung women along, so too keep my ego happy that there is somone in the background, I am not proud of this, I never knew why or that I did it in that way.
I'm going to like somone totaly for who they are some day (I hope lol) and not search somone out to fill the gap in me, only I can fill that.
L

How beautiful. Sounds like a great experience.

I just wanted to comment and say that what you've described is most likely not disassociative. When disassociating, a person feels empty and numb rather than fullfilled and free as you've described. I'm glad you've had this experience. Remember it and how it feels to be vulnerable. Use that feeling to motivate you to be with others and put your guard down.

That sounds like pure, elegant beauty. I wish I could have been there.

Had a walk about, huh? I have to say that cultural trait grew on me very strongly and rather quickly; it surprised me. It took around 4 years I believe. One night I walked out --with turmoil in my mind-- into the dead of night (to the bewilderment of my ex) with no specific destination in mind, and walked around the beach and just stood occasionally to look around and take in the pure, vivid nature. Since, when I see bush or something I have a powerful urge to just walk straight out into it and get lost.

Anyway, I wanted to say that you've gotten a lot better and have come a long way from how you were when you first arrived here; it shows. You're regaining your inner-strength. It's just really nice to see it--and I'm happy for you.

Peace