question for NON-BPD's..what is like to date a borderline ..

i have BPD and im curious to know........please, spare the niceties...what is it like from start to finish when you date someone with BPD.

what about if your married to them.


what exactly is it that drives you away from them?

how is dating someone with borderline different from dating someone who doesnt have it?


thanks

OK, I'll bite. I've asked enough, and I figure I should give back, right? Get ready....

thekindlove wrote:i have BPD and im curious to know........please, spare the niceties...what is it like from start to finish when you date someone with BPD.

I would say it is exhilarating at first. It's great to know someone really feels you and really wants to move things along. The initial rush is great. The problem is that as time moves along, the anxiety gets worse, the demands are more, and you slowly get drawn down. No matter how hard you try, it gets to the point where blinking funny starts and argument. What's even worse is that these arguments comfort the BPD while leaving you angry and bitter.

thekindlove wrote:what about if your married to them.

Even more exhausting. Not only are the demands and arguments out of control, but there's a definite lack of affection and a lack of responsibility. Eventually, you end up feeling like the parents of your spouse, not your partner, since they don't seem to want to participate in the running of the household except for the fun stuff. Also, the demands for passion and intimacy are one-sided, and when you ask for some intimacy or passion yourself, you get silence.

thekindlove wrote:what exactly is it that drives you away from them?

The loneliness. It's worse than being single, because if you have a conscience, you can't cheat. On the flip side, it's hard to fight the isolation from friends and loved ones all of the time. Even though I've kept in touch, it's been WWIII to talk to people because of...who knows sometimes? No one wants to be isolated all of the time, and no one wants to be someone's sole source of human contact.

thekindlove wrote:how is dating someone with borderline different from dating someone who doesnt have it?

I would say the issues are the same, but the intensity is ratcheted up, and the issues are unreasonable. I've literally had my spouse go through my things, argue with me over why I didn't act like someone else, even fights over 50 cents in coupons in the supermarket. It seems like everything is the End Of The World if things don't go exactly as you wish.

Thanks for asking.

wow,,,,that was truly incredibly helpful. looking back on things...these are the complaints ppl have had when being in a relationship with me. that im manipulative, controlling, etc.



one more question iluminati


1. what can i do to save my relationship? my partner feels the way you have described, only much, much worse. he wants space...a whole lot of it.

what can i do to be a better person to him? honestly, i dont want to hurt him. thanks.

I would say the best thing you could do is fix yourself. Go get some therapy to deal with your core issues, and stick with it until they're resolved. White knuckling it isn't going to help him, and it'll likely make you worse off. After all, the "core wound" of BPD is going to be there until it's patched up. He also needs to figure out what's best for him. He may stay or go, but whatever he does has to be in his best interests, not to prevent you from blowing up.

Very good question and it's great you are asking.

I agree with that description. My relationship followed a pattern. Seduction was intense and mind blowing. I thought he 'got me' but the truth is he was wanting to make it work and ended up mirroring and saying what I wanted to hear. Then came the passive-aggressive controlling to the stage where he made comments on everything I did. I felt like I lost myself. As I started to notice and pull away he devalued me at every chance.

My ex was an 'acting in' bpd so there were no rages against me however it was more controlling on a mental level.

I agree that its best not to try and figure it out yourself. Nons and those with bpd all have inner traumas. You are not alone there.

Give yr SO space to themselves. It helps to regroup and gain strength. Know what yr triggers are. Communicate often. Give yourself space. Don't perceive that space means abandonment - everyone needs space. Do what makes you happy cook, walks, read etc. Just don't rely on your SO to make you happy.

Let us know how you are going...my bpd ex is a fabulous person, intelligent, loving and thoughtful - however in the end it feels like I was trying my best however it was not making any difference. Work is needed on both sides. I don't mean work/manage the bpd SO but to manage our own stuff. I am a non with plenty of inner issues which had nothing to do with my bpd ex. It's about me and work I need to do on myself. This goes for everyone.

Take care

As having dated a borderline and afterwards (and still) being married to a non-Borderline, my personal experiences with what differs mainly revolves around predictability and trust.

Example 1: I know that my wife likes my chili con carne, music by PJ Harvey and tulips. So, if I buy her tulips, take her for a PJ Harvey show and cook her chili con carne, I can be 99,9% percent sure that she'll be happy about it. There is a consistency in her likes and dislikes and her reactions to me and my behavior that allows me to me feel secure and relaxed around her.

With my BPD ex-girlfriend, things were always unpredictable. She could love a certain dish one day, but hating it the next. She could say a present I bought her was the best present she had ever received one day, only for hating it - and me for buying it - the next. This lack of predictability made me be on edge constantly, trying to decipher her mood or taste of the day, which was extremely stressful.

Example 2: By and large, I know what makes my wife happy or sad, mad or irritated. Again, because there is a consistency in her likes and dislikes. This means that I know which behavior of mine will be met with which reaction from her - again, this makes me feel safe and secure, because I know what to expect. And if it so happens that I can't figure out, for instance, what my wife is mad about, I can ask her, she will tell me, and we will straighten things out, because we both want things to work.

With my BPD ex-girlfriend, a certain behavior of mine could receive praise one moment and then spite the next. What I had pleased her with today, she would loathe tomorrow. Again, it was enormously stressful, as I felt I had to be on edge constantly to decipher her mood.
If she was angry with me, and I asked what was wrong (which quickly got altered to "What did I do wrong?"), the answer was usually "Nothing" and then the silence treatment for days on end with me being completely bewildered about what happened and why.

So, in my experience, the biggest difference between being in a BPD relationship and in a non-BPD relationship is that in a non-BPD relationship you know what to expect - in a BPD relationship, you never do.

Callis wrote:So, in my experience, the biggest difference between being in a BPD relationship and in a non-BPD relationship is that in a non-BPD relationship you know what to expect - in a BPD relationship, you never do.

Second that (still with my BPD). But for me it makes for an exciting life. You have to be on your toes and that prevents one from idling away in a rut.

@petrossa - you must be a stronger person than I am...i didnt find it exciting i found it exhausting.

That too. But after a while you get to learn the triggers and you can avoid them, making it an exciting life being one step ahead of a trigger. Keeps you alert. And at my age that's a good thing.

petrossa:
I wonder if your BPD is really extreme or just mildly BPD. I tried to hang in there with my BPD because the relationship was exciting and I worked hard at figuring out the triggers. We shared academic work together and did projects and traveling and so on in relation to the work so there was a lot to give up when I finally decided not to take him back (he liked to chase other women periodically and then when it went bust return to me). Maybe my answer to myself is about the other women, but the abuse was also hard to take. Very hard to figure out the triggers even though I think I made progress dealing with them. He refused to ever admit that he had any part in and of the chaos. Maybe your BPD is more aware? Just wondering.