New Member

Hi, I have just joined this site, infact its the 1st site i have ever joined! I am a mother of 2 and have been diagnosed as BPD.I have been in hospital i think 4 times and still suffering from this awful illness. I have been suffering with this since my childhood and was finally diagnosed about 5 years ago, I am nnow 36. I have been on a number of different meds now ad have no came offall of them as the weght gain was to much for me to handle. I have since been told today that there is no other meds that they are going to try and that therapy is the only way forward which I have attended and I am on a waiting list for DBT, but god only knows how long that will take. I feel like I am loosing it all again, I feel lonely, suicidal, angry, everything that goes with having BPD, and its just building and building. I have lost all my friends through this illness and I am lucky still to have my 2 kids and husband but that it is nearing an end as I think he can no longer handle me. I take my hat off to him though. I feel like justing packing up and going away far away from everyone, even my kids. Does anyone know of any meds that work and have no weight gain.........its all going pete tong!

Lamictal is good. I like it, many people here like it.


You're mostly right when you say nobody wants to be around you. Almost nobody thinks like you, very few will ever be able to relate to you. Mostly people are going to look at you with that weird look like, "WTF is wrong with her." and then get the hell away from you.

In my experience and what I've read, that doesn't really go away. You're different. It's on you to deal with it. Your husband obviously sees your heart beneath your exterior or he'd be gone too. You might have found a lucky person who can be happy with a BPD partner, but if you don't take a hard look at yourself and accept what's there, you probably will end up alone and hurting your kids too.


An example of acceptance for me is, "people don't like me, they can't relate to me, they don't like to talk to me. I have two kids who do love me and a wife who stands by me so who cares what everyone else thinks? Yeah there are so many of them and only one of me so it feels like the truth when they tell me with their actions that I am worthless, but I don't have to believe it. I don't have to defend myself any more. I have a beautiful heart and I'm going to put my energy into the people who's lives I really want to touch, not the people I try to prove myself to."

Now, if you think you have any chance of making poeple like you, you're wrong. They don't, they never will. Get over it. You are not likable by most people. If you can let go of that, you'll be on your way. The bright side is, you can be loved by yoru family, a friend to a few odd balls like yourself and respected by everyone else for being different but strong. If you can't get over teh self pity or the need to be something you're not to prove you're OK, good luck to ya. The rest of the world is wrong. You're OK, you'll just never be a friend to them. As long as you defend yoruself against their ignorant outcasting of you, you'll be a destructive person to everyone around you.

Hi Blue17 and welcome to the forum. This is a great place to come as it's probably one of the only places you can go to feel "normal".

Medication - yeah.....it's a case of whether it's worth the weight gain to feel OK. I'm on the pill (to control my bad PMT that can be horrendous if my mood is already low with BPD), liothyronine (to boost my thyroid levels to keep my motivation up) and mirtazapine (anti-depressant; 30mg is the lowest I can go without my mood plummeting, but I used to be on 60mg so it's an improvement!). All 3 of those meds cause weight gain.....I can have all the willpower in the world, but I just end up eating and so I've put on about a stone, probably more by now. I do try to diet, but food is my emotional crutch - I eat to make myself feel better, and I eat to celebrate when I am feeling better. I know I can't drop the meds though -maybe the pill but I don't think it's worth it as I "need" the other 2 if I want to have any quality of life.

I'm 31 with 2 kids but now no husband. He left about a year ago because of my frequent suicide attempts and the fact I'd been in hospital for so long.....it's tough but I'm doing better than I was a week ago. I felt really miserable then, but I have moved on in my head and it's not so painful day to day.

Therapy is the only reason I am still alive today - I can say that completely hand on heart. As soon as I was dx (nearly 2 years ago), I started a form of DBT (it's the skills but not the full Linehan trained regime) plus Behavioural Activation (which has taught me how to get up and get on with things regardless of my mood - some days it works, others it doesn't...but it works more than it doesn't) and Schema therapy. The last one has been the hardest because it's core beliefs I have about myself and I can't even say when or how they developed....it's before my memory starts. You Tube is a great place to find videos explaining the different therapies and guiding you through some of the skills. You have to watch out for the negative ones - generally that's when people are too scared to face up to their problems fully and then rant and rage against the therapy being "stupid" and a "waste of time". But if you truly want to move on with your life, and you're willing to put in the work every day (sometime every minute of every day)to combat your automatic negative or disordered thinking, then it DOES work. Exactly 1 year ago I was in hospital. I was on a general ward (after 10 months in a locked ICPU - I was the only woman with 5 violent men) but on constant observations because I wasn't sure I wouldn't try to kill myself if left on my own. And now I live on my own, I see my kids as often as I can (they live with their dad because I simply can't manage more than a day or 2 before I need a break) and I'm filling my life with things that keep me level and reasonable sane. I still have my moments, but they're becoming easier and easier to recognise and deal with. The first step is to notice when the BPD has taken over and then step back from it. Even a month ago I was reluctant to use the word "recovery" in terms of myself, but I am in recovery.

Anyway - I j ust wanted to give you some support and hope that things can and will imrpove for you if you are willing to make the changes. And I would say, if it's putting on a stone but feeling OK, or not putting on more weight but being miserable and suicidal, \i'd live with the extra weight any day.

I'd say don't gain weight. It helps to have a girlish figure if you have a personality few people like.

Not a helpful comment Mr Em Mak...I sincerely hope you were joking!

Your posts these last few days have been a bit down....you seem to be having difficulty believing that you will ever be liked because of your personality difficulties. I know it's hard.....but it's not impossible (it just feels like it).

isoko49 wrote:Not a helpful comment Mr Em Mak...I sincerely hope you were joking!

Your posts these last few days have been a bit down....you seem to be having difficulty believing that you will ever be liked because of your personality difficulties. I know it's hard.....but it's not impossible (it just feels like it).

I like to call it radical acceptance. A part of my charm is health and good looks. I gained weight on lithium and I lost a part of what made me strong in public. I could care less how much I weigh for my kids and wife, but I have a life to conduct around people who don't like me. I'm working from a disadvantaged spot. Why make it harder?

I said it to my pdoc. He smiled and said, "you know, there's something to that." I think he was surprised and shocked to hear that type of honesty but he liked it and he seemed a little more excited to work with me after I came with the, "attitude." Or maybe it was just better than the pathetic woe-is-me attitude I used to have, I don't know. Passive-aggressive is just scary to docs I think. Now I'm more honest and assertive.

I like people, I just don't relate to them. Since I can't relate, the only way I'll succeed is by being strong in other areas.

Do it your own way though, keep trying to doll up that little personality of yours until they all love you. Good luck. In the mean time, I'll put my energy into the people who like me for me (the few of them) and not disrupt the natural flow of the people who don't (most of them), all while fitting in the way I need to fit in to have the life I want for myself and my family.

I know I just wrecked your new member thread blue. Welcome! It's usually more fun that this.


Isoko,

You're right. I was feeling great this morning, full from within. Then I started thinking about going up north with my inlaws where I get torn to shreds and feel like absolute crap. I started thinking about it because I was ready to handle it, then I starting thinking about how not to let it happen again and it almost turned into a win/lose thing.

There is no winner at that game. There are only losers. I was trying to find a way to come out on top, but all I need to do is come out without having played at all and I'll be happiest I think.

Borderline is such a journey. I go from feeling like crap, to feeling I can take on the world, to feeling depressed because I know I can't win, to knowing winning isn't even an option so I'm concerning myself with something that is impossible and I'm spiralling because of it.

With that, I will end my spiral and focus on just being a decent guy and let the chips fall

But damn it, it was feeling good to not care what other people thought of me. I just took it to an unhealthy place, go figure

Isoko,

I am sorry to hijack the OP's beautifully written thread, but I have a question for you.

I went for my first DBT 'assessment' session today. And where once I was overwhelmed with feelings of hope as I approached the appointment, when I arrived, I completely lost control. I couldn't make eye-contact with the assessor, and I spent the hour wishing I could gouge open my chest and pluck out my ribs one by one.

The 'coping skills' she talked about seemed so trivial, so mundane. The idea of being in a group, sharing the wretched blood and bones of my personality makes me feel horrified, and I told her to forget it, that I would "read about DBT techniques and do them myself".

She urged me to follow up with her in a few days, to see if I still felt that way. She was reluctant to let me leave her office. She asked me to go to the emergency room.

Is DBT worth it? Because, so far, all it seems like is that they attempt to make you believe that you (and everyone else in the universe) are a beautiful and unique snowflake, which makes me want to rage-quit. We are not all beautiful and unique snowflakes. Least of all, myself. F@ck self-acceptance. I just want to figure out how to stop the insane bouts of depression.

Did DBT help you with the enormity of feeling inherent to BPD? Because if so, on your commendation, I will grudgingly return. But so far, it looks like utter #######4.

biitchelectric - I've PMd you with a long message as to why DBT can help.

Mr Em Mak....welcome back. Accept your in-laws are not the kind of people you would choose to hang around with given the choice. Accept they're not going to change...but you can change your response to them. Let it all wash over you - and have fun inside your head laughing at all their stupid observations or remarks....that's what I do with my mum and sister. You are not inherently unlovable - it's just that other people you've met in your life have been inherently unable to love you My mantra at times like that "it's their problem, not mine".

Anyone else want to say hello to Blue17 and help her out?

isoko49 wrote:biitchelectric - I've PMd you with a long message as to why DBT can help.

Mr Em Mak....welcome back. Accept your in-laws are not the kind of people you would choose to hang around with given the choice. Accept they're not going to change...but you can change your response to them. Let it all wash over you - and have fun inside your head laughing at all their stupid observations or remarks....that's what I do with my mum and sister. You are not inherently unlovable - it's just that other people you've met in your life have been inherently unable to love you My mantra at times like that "it's their problem, not mine".

Anyone else want to say hello to Blue17 and help her out?

They actually are people I'd like to be around. They're really cool people. They just don't like me, so that taints it

I'm feeling kind of centered at the moment though. Not liking me is what it is. It says a lot about how insecure I was, something about how different I am and it says a little about their insecurities too. But they're cool people. I just have to accept I'm not liked by them so I can be peaceful and decent when I'm with them. As long as I'm not accepting it, I'm fighting it. In this whole ordeal, I was the most unstable one of all. I have to own that part. I fighted what I perceived as emotional coldness to me rather than accepting it. It just is. I can only control my part.

I feel pretty secure with this train of thought. It always starts out defensive and slowly works it's way to peaceful. I feel calm about it right now. Calm seems to be a good place for me. Once something gets there, it tends to stay.