im bpd but what exactly is the "cling and rage" cycle ..

i was diagnosed BPD many years ago...it isnt until recently though that i am trying to figure out how and why this is continuing to ruin my life, my relationships, any friendship...heck i cant even make friends...though i am very social and i like to talk to ppl...they all seem to eventually stay away from me like i'm a freak, or maybe i stay away from them....i dont even know anymore..

all i do know is that i do think i struggle with this cling and rage cycle.


what is it....what can i do to help myself....

thank you all

You sound a lot like me. It's probably a little of both, your friends are wary of you because they sense something is not right but you may also inadvertently be isolating yourself from other people in some way, even though you like to socialize. I'm the exact same way, and I know for a fact that both factors are contributing to me finding hardly anyone willing to interact with me at all.

i know why bpd ruins *my* relationships but i can't speak for anyone else. i think in general it's a relationship killer, luckily therapy can help... i'm not quite there yet. for me: having a deep & pathological fear of abandonment means that i don't give people enough space... i text/call too much, i assume they don't like me if i don't hear from them in a certain amount of time, or for a while, or whatever, despite intellectually knowing they have their own lives... i let my neediness show, and it pushes people away.

also, splitting... big problem for me. i will totally love someone 110%, often my friendships feel one-sided, i tend to think a friendship is closer than it is. i will suddenly hate someone for almost no reason... a small mistake, big one, or something i perceive to be an insult, and i'll never talk to someone again, i'll be extremely cold, and i can't even control it. so even when friends have stuck around, i end the friendship and burn bridges. it's inevitable.

and then the mood swings, oversensitivity, unreasonable explosive anger... people feel they're walking on eggshells around me, and my moods can change so fast in a matter of minutes for no apparent reason, and OUTWARDLY. i typically don't even know - but other people might tell me, it was a massive problem in my last (6 year) relationship. i'm happy and nice, then suddenly cold and mean, i might snap and not notice. i can get extremely full of rage, at the drop of a hat. and i often don't even notice it's happening. i always thought i was this great, super nice person. turns out, i'm cold, standoffish, i come across as stupid/snobby, and i'm SUPER mean at times. no wonder people don't approach me...

If you were a guy and you acted like that you'd probably get arrested. Not only that, your girlfriend would threaten to get a restraining order.

Oh yea you've got it. Everyone here I'm sure can relate.

ajrocker8 wrote:If you were a guy and you acted like that you'd probably get arrested. Not only that, your girlfriend would threaten to get a restraining order.

i never did anything that would have warranted being arrested, i guess it could have gotten that bad, but sooo not helpful to think about. and i think a lot of BPD behavior is more acceptable in men actually, like moodiness and anger..

For those of us unfortunate enough to be BPD, our emotions are all or nothing. There is no fine control over how we feel so if we like someone we luuuurve them. But as soon as there is anything not quite right then we hate them because they've made us feel bad. It's very black & white and it's so obvious to us, that we don't realise that it's not "normal". It's only in the last year that I've fully understood how distorted some of my thinking is!

the cling and rage cycle generally goes something like this: this is my friend x. We have loads and loads in common and I want to spend every moment I can with them because things are so brilliant. I think we'll be friends forever and ever and ever. I couldn't bear it if they didn't like me anymore.....cling, cling, please don't leave me, cling, cling. Oh God, they're getting fed up with me, they don't like me. Well fine, I don't like them either - "GO AWAY I HATE YOU". Sob sob.

We seem to have this inbuilt fear of abandonment although in some cases it's hard to see where it has developed from. Some people are able to clearly point out where they felt abandoned in childhood, for others it's not so obvious. for me, my mum just wasn't there for me emotionally so I kinda got abandoned to the mercies of my bullying sister. Socially, those of us with BPD find it difficult to make friends - we just don't "get" small talk, and feel uncomfortable talking about things that don't directly involve us or we can't relate to directly.....it's just our distorted ways of thinking. But again, we don't KNOW we're thinking in a distorted way, it's the only way we know how to think and of course we assume everyone is the same

So - we are probably used to being abandoned by most of the people in our lives and we fear it becasue it triggers overwhelmingly bad feeings in us. So we cling on to what we've got because we don't want to feel bad. But we get clingier and clingier and then our self-doubt kicks in and we believe the pattern is going to be repeated and we're going to get dumped again. So we rage first - we are angry at the other person because of something we fear they "might" do to us.....but because we feel all or nothing, what should be a simple "I'm a bit worried that you're pulling away" turns into a "you didn't answer your phone immediately, I HATE YOU for making me feel like this". Does that make any sense? It makes sense in my mind, but that's becuase I've had a lot of therapy!

I get close, too close, too soon. If someone tries to pull away, of course I get paranoid, lose control and overreact bigtime and then they run for the hills. This only happens to someone I really want though, others I can take or leave. I used to keep it fairly private, but now a circle of friends are aware and are staying away too, so now more isolation. Kinda sucks.