I've Got BPD!! eeeeeeeeee

So...I am new here. I'm just now getting into researching BPD. Got a diagnosis a few weeks ago. I'm almost 31. But these patterns have been a part of my life since at least teenage years, perhaps even earlier who knows? I want to see if all of this stuff rings a bell with some of you here. And how many people have gone through most of their lives with this disorder before finally getting a clear idea of what it was?

First off I am a very anxious, nervous, freakout, panic attack kind of person. I have extremely obsessive thought patterns. I will run through scenarios in my mind, one after another. If I am having a problem with a certain person, I will ruminate over and over about confronting the person until I getmy chance to do so. I get angry and upset and nervous on a hair trigger. Sometimes over weird stuff. If someone doesnt pick up the phone I will be nervous until I hear from them. This is especially true of romantic partners and my parents. I will be incredibly nervous to go see my family, but if they arent available when I need them I feel nervous as well.
If a boyfriend doesnt text me in a reasonable amount of time, I will panic and feel like I have to know where he is, what he's doing, who he's with. I am PARANOID. I cannot help but get scared that romantic partners will cheat, or they will stop loving me for whatever reason. Thing is, its always happened to me since I was a teenager I always get dumped or decieved. I dont know if I am traumatized by repetitive abandonment, or if I am bringing this on myself by being overly paranoid and driving people away. I do ask for validation and reassurance way too much when in a relationship. And I FREAK OUT at any sign of distancing. Not so much if they want to go hang out with their friends, I'm relaxed about that stuff because I want the same freedoms. But if they stop calling/texting, start tuning out of conversations, stop wanting sex as much, and generally stop acting enamoured by me I will freak out and start picking fights. Plus I pick the most emotionally unavailable bastards ever. Over and over.
Abandonment/Rejection is the worst. It brings out the crazy in me. Paranoia, lashing out, concocting dramatic scenarios to reel them back in with sympathy, tirades of emails and texts, even driving by someones house to see if they are home like they said they would be. And I feel like I cant do a darn thing to control it. I just feel like I HAVE to win this person back. I have chased after men who have abandoned or rejected me for YEARS after I should have taken the hint. Plus I get involved with others who are just as disordered if not more, so they always play the game with me. My list of exs includes a closeted homosexual, a severe depressive/possible BPD, a hypochondriac/OCD, and a Narcissist if there ever was one. I find it soooo hard to trust. I feel like they will all turn on me.
I HATE being alone. I HATE it more than anything. I can go so deep inside my own head. I get so bored, I get so lonely. I dont know what the heck to do with myself. I feel like if I wake up to a day where there is NOTHING for me to do-mainly plans with other people, I am going to be nervous and trapped inside my own head all day. I am currently in a spot where I am really alone. Nobody calls, I dont have friends, I got dumped by the guy I was dating since I moved here 10 months ago. He was all I was really invested in socially so now I feel like I have NOTHING. I got so overwrought with emotion I quit my job. I've done this many times before. I cant work when I am like this. It causes my family to have to bail me out financially. It makes me feel like a huge LOSER. And I feel like I'm slowly going crazy if I am left to be alone. I dont know if any of you experience this but I daydream like nobody's business. I can pace my house and just think and ruminate and daydream and FEEL the emotions associated with my inner visions. I'll just put on some music and trip away in my own little world. Or I'll keep the house really quiet and let my mind torment itself with icky memories and thoughts. I feel like a nutcase.
I can cry for DAYS. I can cry and cry and cry until my eyeballs are almost swollen shut. It just comes and there's no stopping it. I dont know how many times at how many jobs I've had to sneak into the bathroom and lose it. And my depressions are so deep and impossibly dark. I do not self harm in the traditional ways of cutting and burning-though I did do this in high school and would hide it from family.Nor do I wish to kill myself though sometimes I do wish to simply just be "dead". But thats different. I could never off myself. I want to live dammit! I do however, unconsciously starve myself. Its not anorexia in the sense that I think I"m fat and I am purposefully not eating. Its that I get so overwrought with emotions I simply cannot eat. Or I forget to eat. Or I'll remember I havent eaten all day and figure its too late to eat. I dont think I'm fat, in fact I am an extremely attractive woman. But I still starve myself in my "freakout" phases. And I chain smoke.
Freakout phases that I have been through over and over since I was a teenager. Its nice to finally know there is a book definition of what the heck this is that has plagued my life, but at the same time...how the heck do I become anything other then what I've always been??
So thats some of it...I'll stop now. As for my history- NO ABUSE. At least not by family. They were and still are great parents, they are still married and never hit me or sexually abused me. I did however, have to move around all my life and have always been the target of bullies in my school years and adult years. Also I was the only free spirited artist in a military family that valued structure and obedience. And I have been VERY promiscious from a young age which makes me wonder if my own sluttiness made me screwed up.
Anybody's thoughts are appreciated!!

Hi Artemis08,

It sounds like you are dealing with quite a lot right now.
*big hug*
On the bright side, and there IS a bright...now you know.
You have a diagnosis, which I understand is upsetting for many people, but really it's a powerful thing. Now you have a map, something to guide you towards recovery.

Warm wishes and good thoughts your way,

Evol

Yep, I've gone through (or still do) just about everything you mentioned. It really does get better, even though every crisis seems like the worst ever when you're in the midst of it.

But now you've identified the cycle, you can break it. Get into therapy and retrain your brain. It's actually very cool to begin finding you don't have to keep reacting to things the same way and going through the same pain. You have more control than you've probably thought.