how to have an identity

Hi, I'm new here. I was going to write this long post about myself but I'm sure it's stuff everyone's gone through and I'm kind of tired of thinking about it/self-pitying. I'll try to summarize the important stuff instead. I have BPD: all 9 criteria. I've just been diagnosed bipolar as well, I think it's bipolar 2 but not sure yet. I do know that my "baseline" tends to be pretty depressed, perhaps dysthymic. I have PTSD (mostly in remission) but the borderline stuff definitely has been there for most/all of my life - PTSD just intensified it. I also have severe anxiety disorder, & social anxiety. I've been screwed up for as long as I can remember.

So, I just spent a week inpatient after self-destructing for approximately the past year, though the past 6 months were the worst. I'm an alcoholic (inactive), I quit 3 weeks ago. I'm in emotional pain most of the time with nothing to relieve it anymore, now that I'm sober. And I'm thinking. A LOT. About myself, the ways that I'm sick, the things I want to work on and how I want to get better.

One of my big time issues, and something I obsess over especially when feeling "manic" (not sure if it's hypomania, or full, or something else) - is my sense of self. I don't really have one. I mean, internally I guess I do - I have interests and hobbies (though they're pretty hard to actually *do* most of the time) and a pretty solid belief system - but I've spent more time than I'd like to admit staring at myself and not being able to connect to what I see. I hate having my picture taken partially for that reason. I often wonder if it's body dysmorphic disorder or something similar.

But only part of it is feeling disconnected and unhappy with my appearance. There's a big confused mess inside me regarding who I am, and what my identity IS. I think *a lot* about how I want to be perceived. It's always changing, I can't make any decisions. I have no idea what I want. I have a vague idea what I want in terms of life, a job, and friends. But in general my desires are a big blur, and I have problems trusting my own instincts. Like, I have a history of pursuing very toxic friendships & relationships. And most of my friends have been people I had nothing in common with. I totally downplay/hide the things about me that I am SURE are real parts of my identity, and act how I think other people want me to act, but the facade doesn't always hold up.

I tend to act way too intensely into someone if I want to be their friend, because I can't figure out boundaries and how to act when I don't know someone very well. I shrink away and act shy/uninterested when I meet someone super cool, and I just can't be myself around them. But then, I don't know what it means to BE myself when I think about it. I've seriously written hundreds of pages in diaries trying to figure it out, to put it into words. Now that I have been properly diagnosed it's tempting to adopt my illnesses as my identities. But, I know that's not right. I just can't figure out what it would look like, to have a proper and healthy sense of self. I have no idea how to get there either. I'd like to hear from other people who have worked through this stuff or are working through it. Ideas, suggestions, advice, even just commiserating would be great.

For me, I tried so hard to not admit people didn't like me, that I almost think that fear was the personality disorder itself. Most people don't like you. They don't like me. They're ignorant, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

Get over that and you can start seeing you for you and you'll have an identity. It just won't be the person you've tried so hard to convince yourself that you are.

For you to find your identity, you're going to have to find out some things about yourself that you would hide with alcohol, bizarre defense mechanisms and at it's worst state, you'll give your life to hide it.

So it's not easy, but you can do it. Just don't be afraid to feel whatever you feel and recognize it. It's not bad, most people just judge it that way, so you believed them. It's not your fault, everyone says one thing, you're bound to believe it.

I have troubles trying to figure myself out and I'm often not sure how I feel about things. I always stick 'maybe' 'i guess' 'probably' I suppose' 'i think' 'trying/try' 'kind of' 'not sure' and 'just' into my speech and writing just to get out of making an affirmative decision since I'm so unsure. It's quite annoying.

I think...there it is...uhg..We are all here try- fighting to find our identities. Gosh that sentence was kind of- ugh..there is it is..I'm just going to type how I want to. That sentence was kind of hard to write.

Anyway, try to seperate yourself from the disorder.

If you have a vague idea of who you are and what you want/like then you're on the right track. I always wondered how identity problems relate to BPD but it's something I definitely can relate to in my life.

(First post here, sorry for "not so good" english as I'm not from any english-speaking country.)
I can absolutly relate to that.
I had (and have) times where I stand infront of the mirror and ask myself: "Whos that?"
The more I tried to understand what was going on, the longer I stood there, just looking.
I just don't have a solution yet, but I guess I'm working on it.
Also way to go with your alcohol problem!

I know what you mean. I don't know what I want/feel/think/need. I'm not quite sure who I am or what I want to be. I can't plan any further ahead than a week. Beyond a week (or the next appointment with my counsellor or doctor) is completely void and empty. Recently when I told my counsellor that I wanted to be able to stand up for myself more, he asked me how I wanted to do that- what sort style I wanted to adopt as "mine". The more I thought about the more confused I got, because I didn't really know what my style is or should be "mine". If I adopted a particular style of standing up for myself I was trying to work out whether that really made it my style or whether it just became me faking a style.

I've still yet to get my head around it.

lilyfairy wrote:I know what you mean. I don't know what I want/feel/think/need. I'm not quite sure who I am or what I want to be. I can't plan any further ahead than a week. Beyond a week (or the next appointment with my counsellor or doctor) is completely void and empty. Recently when I told my counsellor that I wanted to be able to stand up for myself more, he asked me how I wanted to do that- what sort style I wanted to adopt as "mine". The more I thought about the more confused I got, because I didn't really know what my style is or should be "mine". If I adopted a particular style of standing up for myself I was trying to work out whether that really made it my style or whether it just became me faking a style.

I've still yet to get my head around it.

The "What I want to be" point is a freakin pain .. you know where . I can't plan for myself even for 2 days .. for other people I can plan whole lifes etc, but for myself I see no point in planning - workin on that though, trying to set myself some ""goals"" for the next week.
That question of your counsellor (learned a new word, yay) was a .. little stupid though. Can't point the finger at why, but it just came to mind that asking that kind of a question to somebody who isnt sure about so many things may throw them back again in the thought process about organizing. (Did it?)

Also, better copypaste something then have nothing ..
"Making a good copy of the wheel is better then a bad reinvention of it." (Hope you get this right, here you have the german original in case youre curious and want to look the exact meaning and not my translation of it: "Besser das Rad gut kopieren als es schlecht neuzuerfinden.")

Yeah- the more I think about it the more confused I am about it. I think I know what he meant by it though. Trying to get me to work out where when I've got a point to get across whether I want to be a little bit pushy (in a nice way) and ensure my voice is heard or whether I'm more polite and delicate/diplomatic about it, but firm about where I stand as opposed to just backing down all the time and letting everyone walk all over me.

I don't know what I want/feel/think/need. I'm not quite sure who I am or what I want to be. I can't plan any further ahead than a week

Amen. Though I tend to switch from thinking I feel on thing, to then interpreting it as another thing , and then I think I could be thinking both at the same time. So confusing. I'm also spilt on who I am and who I want to be like that. Also, I hate planning. Darn planning.

Maybe we can all just be confused and say that is what we are : D!

I don't have many mirrors in my house.....I don't like looking at my reflection and I don't like seeing myself in photos, never have done (which was tough as my dad always gets his camera out!).

Who am I? Well, like you I don't have a strong sense of self. My mind goes blank when I try to answer that question. I have to get friends to tell me my good qualities, and they're all "virtual" friends. I can be myself (whoever that is) here on this forum and on other forums where I'm with likeminded people going through the same/similar experiences. If I can connect with people on 1 level, then it's easier....but if I lost that connection then I don't know what to say or do with them anymore and just feel very uncomfortable.

So...stilll trying to answer, who am I? I can feel the person I would like to be emerging. Having been part of a couple from the age of 18, my identity was always strongly tied up with my ex. then I completely lost myself when I went into hospital. Now I have to get on with life on my own and I'm slowly working out who I am, "me".

I try to be a fun mum to my girls - sometimes it feels a bit fake but most often now it comes naturally. Sometimes I feel it's an echo of things their dad would say to them...but that's now part of "me". I feel comfortable saying those phrases so I'm happy to include them as part of me. But I'm only a part-time mum as my girls live mostly with their dad. So I have to fill my time with other things - I am creative. I like making things - doesn't matter what it is. I change from sewing to knitting to singing to writing to card making to scrapbooking to sewing again......but I am creative. I am sarcastic (I get that from my Dad who gets it from his Dad - the 3 of us in the same room can be quite fun!). I am empathetic and I like to help people feel better. That's because I know how bad "I" feel most of the time and I don't want anyone else to feel that bad.

So - that's about all I've got....but it's good stuff and I'm happy with it. It's a long process because it does involve trying different things on and seeing what suits and what doesn't. that's how everyone learns....we just didn't develop in the same way as other people so we're stuck like 2 year olds with no strong sense of "me" and what "I" like. I knwo growing up, I just liked whatever my friends liked, in order to be liked. But there are things that have stuck with me - being creative, being musical, trying to help people. You will have things that are "you".....it's just noticing them that's the hard bit.