I just hit the #### it button

Started smoking again today after trying to quit for the past 2 weeks, started drinking excessively again - haven't done this in years, cbf going to my 12-step program anymore, MIGHT go back to my pdoc. Just not in a good place atm, was doing alright for about 2 weeks. I know they say 2 steps forward, 1 step backwards occurs a lot in recovery but it's pretty messed up right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better but I just don't have a proper support network. Everything just seems very superficial, my 12-step program, my pdoc, my friends, my family. I just don't see the point in getting better, trying to be someone I know I'm not. Trying to be nice. In the 12-step program they teach you honesty but it is superficial honesty, after I'm honest I just feel like total crap. Everything seems counter-productive.

I can't kick my addictions as it's all I have, without it I wouldn't be able to function. This makes me feel like crap because I want to get rid of them but I feel even crazier without them. People keep on talking about normality. The 12-step program is seriously brain-washing, they keep on saying the same thing over and over again. The people there I would normally never associate with, yet I am supposed to confide in them so that I can get better.

My pdoc forgets most of the things I say in previous sessions and seems not to be taking notes anymore, his suggestion opened pandora's box and things just seem more in my face than ever before. Everything is just so raw.

Being unemployed then being diagnosed with BPD, having little to no one, having no direction is starting to compound. The weight seems heavier than before.

The rage is building just like before, chaos has resumed its course.

I also have started drinking a little again, after being sober for over a month, maybe up to two months. Two years ago my doctor wanted to put me in an alcohol treatment program because I was binging a lot but when I realized it was making me more moody and erratic I stopped drinking about two months ago. Just this past week I started drinking again but not too much, just enough to take the edge off. It felt good but I can tell if I start doing it a lot it is going to mean major mood swings. Remember that drinking will make your BPD symptoms worse.

Right - you've identified the reasons WHY you're feeling bad right now.

Being unemployed then being diagnosed with BPD, having little to no one, having no direction

SO - make a list to address these problems. I know I feel worse when I have no direction, so have a think about what you would like to do with yourself. If you think getting work would help, have a think about what you could do that wouldn't make you feel worse....didn't we discuss jobs a few weeks ago? It's tough because you feel like you're discounting so much because you know it will trigger you....but there will be something you can do. And if working really isn't going to work out (so to speak) then think about doing things each day that you enjoy...and not drinking or smoking. You have picked up your old coping strategies because you've hit a distress period. Distress tolerance skills that you learn from DBT would be a big help here.....it's about picking things that you enjoy but aren't damaging to you. Painting, going to the gym, taking a walk, watching your favourite film. If you have enough of them, distractions like that can be enough to get you through the day. It's a hard slog, but unless you change things in your life, you aren't going to feel any better. It's up to YOU to change things and it is possible. I know i keep saying this, but I've been there.....OK so my addiction was self-harm, but a year ago I was in a tightly controlled environment being watched every moment (literally - I was under constant observations so i couldn't even go to the toilet on my own)...now I live on my own and fill my time prtty well with things I enjoy doing. I have goals and dreams and, although I feel like I've been kicked down a rung by the college, I'm looking at ways around it to reach the same target.

It's tough when you don't have the right support behind you - but we're all here for you too, remember.

Also find other things you like to consume other than smoking or alcoholic drinks. I'm not in a position to preach but drinking excessively after not doing that for years will cause a major relapse in your illness. Your emotional problems will fly off the handle with drinking too much. Take it one day at a time and when you really need money, start applying for jobs. If being unemployed is getting you down, then your main goal right now should be finding a job, which will be good for you and it will give you money and more structure in your life.

Thanks ajrocker and isoko for your replies.

ajrocker - When I previously used to drink excessively I found it made my problems a lot worse, I would become incredibly depressed and this is why I stopped drinking many years ago. I did drink a few times this week and sometimes there is an urge to drink like you need to taste on your lips but I do remember clearly the destruction it causes, also my mother drinks all the time so that also puts me off. I will refrain from drinking, my father never drinks at all and has been like this ever since I was young I never asked him why this is but it may be due to similar experiences. I find that if you smoke you are more prone to doing other risky activities because you simply just don't care about yourself or your body. So the first step is to stop smoking again so I am always conscious about my body.

isoko - I want to thank you for your persistent and consistent help, you have nearly always responded to each of my topics and each time you have been very helpful. I realise that in a previous topic that you started I may have come off somewhat abrasive and it was not intentional. My moods change a lot, it is a lot better than before but it is still improving.

I was actually doing a lot better than before, I had quit smoking for 2 weeks, I reversed my sleeping pattern to wake up in the morning around 8am and also had a few job interviews and thought about my career direction and planned on getting a job + studying at nights. Then the triggers came and the self-doubt and everything just crumbled. I'm in a stronger position than I was before as I know that I can stop some of my addictive behaviours and craft a life. When the triggers come I need to identify and have more constructive outlets than my self-destructive behaviours. I remember previously I didn't know how to stop because I had nothing to substitute it with. I will continue going to my 12-step program as I realised that it has done me quite a lot of good.

I actually have all the DBT books, bought them after I was diagnosed but I haven't really worked through them. I actually have a dozen books on my desk right now and dozens more on my shelf and about half a dozen in transit from thebookdepository but I usually read books in an adhoc fashion, no real process. I usually buy books on a whim then they sit on my bookshelf for a while until I get to reading them. So I will also construct a proper reading list so that I can read the books I actually need to get better.

I have asked my psych about DBT but he wants to do 1on1 to go through all the issues. I also just finished reading parts of the book "I could do anything if only I knew what it was" by Barbara Sher and there is a section about raging which is pretty similar to BPD and talks a lot about childhood trauma impacting your adulthood to make proper career moves so that has helped.

I realized last week that even having a few drinks will set you back a long way. I just had some wine one night and it didn't affect me much so a few days later I went out and bought some hard liquor. I didn't drink too much of it but I had a complete emotional breakdown that same night and I didn't even drink enough to get drunk, but it sent my emotions spiraling out of control. It has persisted for days now and I'm still not completely 100% better. It's amazing how just a little alcohol can make your BPD symptoms flare up for days.