On the border of a breakthrough!!

I've had a breakthrough!

-Over the six months I've gone from being rejected by my inlaws (my only real support other than my wife and kids.)
-To believing I was pure evil and feeling extreme self-hatred for it
-To killing myself (well, I failed at that but I gave it a good effort)
-To feeling like I have no clue what's going on and feeling completely lost, confused and afraid
-To thinking I'm evil again, but this time more calmly while on lithium
-To finally believing I'm borderline (was diagnosed borderline by psychologist)
-To not being able to sooth myself with the thought of gods love for more than a second

-To still being rejected by my inlaws (I still care, but I know there is nothing I can do so I just feel hurt. I don't dwell on it so I don't spiral)
-To not knowing anything so not even considering evil
-To not wanting to kill myself, but thinking about it from time to time
-To feeling like I have some identity as an oddball that nobody likes (still feeling hurt by it)
-To becoming more accepting of my borderline disorder traits (still being unsure and afraid of it)
-To being able to breath and use god as a love for more than a second


-To still being rejected by my inlaws (but now it doesn't phase me because it's their ignorance that won't accept different people, but they don't mean it, the same way I never meant the hurtful things I did, so I love them and am perfectly fine with them even if they're different and attempt to be hurtful out of defense)
-To feeling a sense of meaning and purpose (my health, kids and wife are my top priorities)
-To believing death doesn't = peace. Death may equal suffering. I have zero intention of suicide, even in tough times
-To feeling a strong sense of identity as an oddball who most people don't like, but loving the fact that some people do and putting my heart into those people
-To not feeling evil at all, feeling empowered, uniquely good, well intentioned and well delivered
-To feeling like borderline is a unique gift. We're different. We're forgiving in ways most people can't be. Getting over the fact most don't like me, I've found out I do, and they're wrong!
-To having a great sense of spirituality, that god endlessly loves me and put me here to do wondeful things

I believe a part of my success is by working my change through Taoist principals. Each person is given unique strengths, weakness, temperments and drives. To try to be like something I'm not will only serve to frustrate me and FAIL. Trying to change nature (the way people think, feel and act) will only frustrate me and I will fail. By using the principle of going with the flow of nature, I'm harnessing what I'm good at and minimizing the effects of what I struggle at. Of all the borderlines here, the ones who keep struggling, even as they gain borderline wisdom, are the ones who keep trying to be something they're not and keep trying to be what the majority thinks is good. There is a place for us here, a good, productive, mostly content place. I believe that, you just have to go with the flow rather than fight it to fit in.

So, just the last few days or so, since my wife said she thought about leaving, I've had a shake up. What the hell am I doing? Why am I worried about person F,G,H and I when persons A B and C are right there in front of me, and they love me. Something snapped, I feel like my need to have my cup filled by people who don't like me is completely gone. I'll let you gals/guys know how it goes. It feels kinda liberating. I'm hoping it lasts.

yay...sounds good.
A lot of DBT is based on Taoist principles - the idea of Radical acceptance for instance. You might not realise that's what you've done with your in-laws but you have. You accept that they are who and how they are and it's them with the problem, not you.....so just go with it and it stops upsetting you. I'm the same with my mum and sister. They caused me so much hurt and I'm pretty sure a lot of my schema issues are related to how my mum treated me. But I don't hate them, I can't be bothered to hate them. I don't particularly like them either....but i love them because they are family and I just go along with them when we meet up (rarely). Anything they say just washes over me; I have accepted the situation and it's like a huge burden has been lifted.

I will say that there will be days and times where you feel like you're right back to square one....but you'll quickly discover that it's only a temporary stop and actually you've only gone back to square 10. it's like snakes and ladders! A snake might send you back down to the bottom but you are able to climb the ladders much more quickly than before so it doesn't take as long to return to your improved level. And you learn much more from the fall too - so you're less and less likely to encounter the same problems as before to the same degree. Some things will always upset you, but again you learn what they are and accept them....then you can move on to the things that you want to work on.

Thanks isoko.

I'm actually a little worried about you cuz of your ex and now the dating thing. . . . I have one son who's nothing like me (outgoing, happy, fun) and another son who's more like me (sad, bored, distant.) Who do you think I favor? The one who's not like me because the one who is like me reminds me of how bad I think I am.

That's something I'm absolutely getting over. I'm going to love my older son through all of that. That is more about me than it is him.



But anyway, yeah, don't worry about your mum. She loves you dearly, she just can't love you through her own insecurities. And you're an awesome and beautiful person, whether you have a guy in your life or not. I think it's important to remember, not a lot of people like us, nor can they handle being around us. Don't feel like you need to settle. Search till you find one who likes YOU, and don't get too excited with each guy you meet. I'm guessing 19 out of 20 will not be the guy, but at the same time, if you're a patient little searcher, you'll find him. Unfortunately, even if you find him, you still have to get over your tendency to want to prove yourself and guys who like you, you don't have anything to prove to so you might not even know it when you find it. If you're hopelessly insecure, security will just feel eerie and you'll look for a guy who makes you insecure so you can work at proving yourself. It's a #######5 cycle, doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but sometimes it's all we know. Oh, and enjoy the search. Each guy will like things about you, even if they can't ultimately be with you, enjoy that they did like parts of you (even if it's just your boobs ) Wait until you find the one who likes most of you, until you find a guy who likes a enough of you to stick by you forever!!