my BPD story *triggering*

i was a child with early memories of being unsafe, not cared for, not loved. my home life was dysfunctional. i was always told i didnt percieve things right. i didnt fit into the family like my older sister and younger brother. they were like best friends and i always felt left out. my dad scapegoated me for everything wrong in the family. i had to stay in my room all the time, by ten i was contemplating suicide. by 6th grade i tried to kill myself. no one would help me. they just watched me die a little every day and i was the big elephant no one would talk about. i lost my virginity at 14, was raped pretty shortly afterwards and ran away from home at 14 with a child molester who was 28 who raped me repeatedly and dropped me off at a gas station hundreds of miles from home.

i was hospitalized, on all types of psychiatric drugs, my dad was still abusing me, there was never any food to eat growing up or when older, i became numb and couldnt remember the last time i felt any emotion...at 14 in the hospital.

it took me a few weeks of solitary confinement after getting into trouble at the hospital to finally shed one tear.

i was so happy that i shed that tear because i felt that i was human once again.

how naive i was. i would have rather lived with that numbness than what was to follow.

14 up was more abuse, more fights, more schools, more hell, wanting to die everynight.

more rapes, more drugs, more drinking, legal trouble followed early twenties.

i am in my thirties and i have been the victim of to many abusive relationships. i dont drink anymore, but i also dont have a way to handle what is left. i do my best.

in my relationships like the one that i'm in now, i am always terrified of being abandoned. the guy is abusive,...but yet i never do know what is real or not real. i wonder if it really is my fault. i have a lifetime of ppl telling me so.

i have not had any friends for years. sometimes i hurt so bad i control my eating. i have an awful scar on my arm for everyone to know what a nut i am that i tried to take my own life.

sometimes i look out into the world and wonder how i can go on. i live in the world, but i dont know how to function in it. i wonder why i dont have any friends.

everytime i remember living with the severe abuse of my dad and his constant rejection of me everyday of my life.

all i ever wanted was to be loved and to have a family.

all i want now is to belong somewhere, anywhere, in a group of ppl.

my husband has many friends who love him, he is an abusive man i think, and we dont live together anymore, but the other day he told me that his friends think i am crazy.

i'm sad to say but they are right.

i just cant function in a group of ppl. i think i have given up on trying to fit in from many years ago.

i would love to be a narcisist. at least i wouldnt care what ppl think and i could still fit in.


i would just love to have some peace and stability in my life that is all.

i dont know which is worse, my desire to be a part of a group, or knowing it will never happen because there is just something terribly wrong with me.

just a little snapshot of my life.

reading these forums reminded me of my diagnosis of BPD many years ago. i never gave it much thought untill recently when i realized that even as an adult, i can still get so angry and cursing so much that i almost lost my job, even though i had a right to be mad, i was shaking with adrenaline wanting to punch everyone out just like the old days. of course that just isnt acceptable or right and when ppl become scared of me and i am in turn ostracises as i have been at the job....it truly does hurt. it reminds me how i spent all five years of my life at the five different high schools i went to. the mean freak and loner when really on the inside i was crying.

one time i had a nervous breakdown in the hallway , i was balling my eyes out and sobbing hysterically, my dad had attacked me the night before and hundreds of ppl walked by me like i didnt even exist. i will never forget that feeling...it was the same feeling i lived with everyday at home and in pain and ppl pretending i didnt exist.

by some miracle i never succeeded in kililng myself. i always thought that deep down i was a good person.....have you ever cried for yourself...i mean really cried because you know you arent the decrepid piece of crap ppl think you are?

well, thnks for reading. i will post more sometime. this was a cathartic experience. i'm sorry to be so depressing.

Wow, my heart really goes out to you. That's a lot of your life spent in pain. ((hugs))

thekindlove wrote: i had to stay in my room all the time, by ten i was contemplating suicide.

I know how this feels. I was also the black sheep of my family--still am actually--and spent a lot of time in my room daydreaming and playing by myself. Neglected children often become very involved in their inner world which is the only place they find amusement and, most importantly, distraction from the pain of loneliness. This behavior, as you may know, is what psychologists call "disassociation" and most likely the reason you were so disconnected from your feelings.

thekindlove wrote:i just cant function in a group of ppl. i think i have given up on trying to fit in from many years ago.

I have no idea how to socialize in groups of people and it feels like I'm drowning when I try to. Everything becomes overwhelming because I'm so clueless. How long should I talk to this person? How should I excuse myself? What do I do when the person I'm talking to leaves to go to the bathroom? Do I stand here in the same spot waiting awkwardly--and painfully--alone, or should I begin chatting up someone else and let them find me? Etcetera...

But, this also has a lot to do with me hating small talk. I dread it because I find it so god awfully boring and pointless. People love to small talk it seems.

As neglected children and therefore spending most time isolated, we never learned how to "work a room". Not only is it already terrifying to be in new situations, but add to the fact that we were never "taught" the skills needed to function in groups and it's a complete nightmare. I write taught in quotations because it's not directly taught; it's observed rather, and requiring support from caretakers to fully master. This support acts as a safety net providing the strength needed to approach fears.

thekindlove wrote:i was a child with early memories of being unsafe, not cared for, not loved. my home life was dysfunctional.

Growing up, I endured a lot of neglect and emotional abuse. I never ever felt safe which eventually developed into a terrible fear of the dark and sleeping alone; the latter of which I still struggle with. Now, I sleep with the TV on...

thekindlove wrote:my husband has many friends who love him, he is an abusive man i think, and we dont live together anymore, but the other day he told me that his friends think i am crazy. i'm sad to say but they are right.

Read the quote you wrote before this one. You are not crazy. They are not right. You know what you are: an adult who's home life as a child was dysfunctional and where you never felt loved, or safe. Right now my personaI belief is that in order to stop feeling ashamed, I must understand that all my behaviors that others judge and label as "crazy" or "immature" are just symptoms of my traumatic childhood. They are not who I am. Thus, people who don't know you--and even some who do unfortunately--only see what you are now. Your husband's friends sound like insensitive jerks quite honestly and yes most people will judge you similarly; at first. This is simply human nature. However, if you explain your past, people worth having in your life will respond compassionately.

It's hard to disregard what people think; especially with low self-esteem. Even though I know who I am isn't what people describe me as, it still affects me enormously. So many comments that have been made about me still haunt me. It's tortuous.

I'm glad you're finally acknowledging your BPD because it's extremely important if you want to transcend all of the abuse and pain you've been through to be happy. (And you've been through a lot, honey!)

Good Luck

wildernessrealm wrote:Wow, my heart really goes out to you. That's a lot of your life spent in pain. ((hugs))

thekindlove wrote: i had to stay in my room all the time, by ten i was contemplating suicide.

I know how this feels. I was also the black sheep of my family--still am actually--and spent a lot of time in my room daydreaming and playing by myself. Neglected children often become very involved in their inner world which is the only place they find amusement and, most importantly, distraction from the pain of loneliness. This behavior, as you may know, is what psychologists call "disassociation" and most likely the reason you were so disconnected from your feelings.

thekindlove wrote:i just cant function in a group of ppl. i think i have given up on trying to fit in from many years ago.

I have no idea how to socialize in groups of people and it feels like I'm drowning when I try to. Everything becomes overwhelming because I'm so clueless. How long should I talk to this person? How should I excuse myself? What do I do when the person I'm talking to leaves to go to the bathroom? Do I stand here in the same spot waiting awkwardly--and painfully--alone, or should I begin chatting up someone else and let them find me? Etcetera...

But, this also has a lot to do with me hating small talk. I dread it because I find it so god awfully boring and pointless. People love to small talk it seems.

As neglected children and therefore spending most time isolated, we never learned how to "work a room". Not only is it already terrifying to be in new situations, but add to the fact that we were never "taught" the skills needed to function in groups and it's a complete nightmare. I write taught in quotations because it's not directly taught; it's observed rather, and requiring support from caretakers to fully master. This support acts as a safety net providing the strength needed to approach fears.

thekindlove wrote:i was a child with early memories of being unsafe, not cared for, not loved. my home life was dysfunctional.

Growing up, I endured a lot of neglect and emotional abuse. I never ever felt safe which eventually developed into a terrible fear of the dark and sleeping alone; the latter of which I still struggle with. Now, I sleep with the TV on...

thekindlove wrote:my husband has many friends who love him, he is an abusive man i think, and we dont live together anymore, but the other day he told me that his friends think i am crazy. i'm sad to say but they are right.

Read the quote you wrote before this one. You are not crazy. They are not right. You know what you are: an adult who's home life as a child was dysfunctional and where you never felt loved, or safe. Right now my personaI belief is that in order to stop feeling ashamed, I must understand that all my behaviors that others judge and label as "crazy" or "immature" are just symptoms of my traumatic childhood. They are not who I am. Thus, people who don't know you--and even some who do unfortunately--only see what you are now. Your husband's friends sound like insensitive jerks quite honestly and yes most people will judge you similarly; at first. This is simply human nature. However, if you explain your past, people worth having in your life will respond compassionately.

It's hard to disregard what people think; especially with low self-esteem. Even though I know who I am isn't what people describe me as, it still affects me enormously. So many comments that have been made about me still haunt me. It's tortuous.

I'm glad you're finally acknowledging your BPD because it's extremely important if you want to transcend all of the abuse and pain you've been through to be happy. (And you've been through a lot, honey!)

Good Luck

i had no idea that the numb feelings were from disassociation. wow. that makes complete sense. i absolutely understand what you mean about small talk and interacting with ppl. i never learned how to do that either. do you think that recovering from BPD is possible?
thnk you for sharing what you did with me, it is so nice to know that i'm not the only one who feels this way or experiences problems because of my past. hugs to you to...and i'm sorry for your pain also.