How to move forward with BPD friendship

Ok so I'm in a difficult position and I'm trying to figure out the best way to keep moving forward...

MY ex-girlfriend and I split in December. She is currently eight months pregnant and I'm having such a hard time maintaining a friendship with her and i really want to as i believe it would be best for our son and us. First off I would like to declare that I have PTSD and my own set of anxiety and avoidance issues. She has never been diagnosed with BPD by a professional as she refuses to go to therapy even though she is in grad school for psychology. I'm not going to sit here and try to diagnosis her, as I'm not a profession and I believe at the moment that's neither her nor there. I'm simply looking for advice on how to handle the symptoms as I know she unquestionably has some of them. My issue is I cannot figure out how to talk to her, its so difficult for me. Everything is turned around on me and i have no problem taking responsibility for things. I don't think any of it even matters, with our son on the way this shouldn't be a blame game. I have even tried taking responsibility for what i believe is both of our faults and our convos still cant go forward. I have tried to setup some co-parenting counseling so we can be in an environment that is productive, but she just tells me why should she have to go to something like that. I'm the one with problems. I'm just looking for any advice i can that will help move our situation forward. there are so many factors and issues in our past neither of us should be saying its 100% someones fault.

i believe that if he was aware of the stuff going on with her she would handle things much healthier. But I can't tell her maybe you have a disorder etc etc. Its rude, insensitive and would be unproductive as she doesn't really see grey areas. I hope nothing i said here offends anyone. With my situation I realize trying to explain the current issue without the whole story can make me looks super insensitive. But at this point I just want whats best for my son, he has to come before me.

I'm sorry to say this mate, but you have an ex partner who possibly has BPD AND is 8 months pregnant so a seething mass of hormones. I know - I was one of those women (twice times). If she does have BPD then she needs to accept it herself and be willing to make changes. If she isn't willing to change herself, then there is literally nothing you can do to "help". I'm sorry, I know that's not the answer you would like to hear. BPD takes years of therapy and willingness to put the methods to work...even then you still never recover fully. You will always over/under react to things.

If you really want to make things as good as possible for your son (congratulations by the way), then you need to step back for a while. Wait for your son to be born; use the time to work out some guidelines you want on access etc. She will possibly feel very VERY overwhelmed when he is born; does she have good support from other people because she's going to need it? Sleep deprivation and BPD are not a good combo (again, expert in this from my 2nd). She will need constant reassurance that she's doing OK, even if she is struggling. If you go in and tell her that she needs help, she will kick you out the door so fast your head will spin for a week. So you are just going to have to be patient. Let her know that you are going to be coming to see your son 2, 3, 4 times a week - whatever you decide. Let her know that if she needs you to do anything for her, like a bit of shopping, or housework, you will do it. But don't push it if she says she doesn't need your help, even when it's blatantly obvious she does. She will NOT appreciate it! Just be there when you say you're going to be there and help out in little ways. She may or may not decide that you have a future together - only she will be able to work that out and it might take her a long time.

Thank you very much for your reply isoko,

She does have support shes staying at her mothers. Its probably best for her and my son at the moment but its not particularly healthy for us. Her mother hears her side of things in an extremely skewed manner. It makes it very difficult because her mother has suddenly become so anti me that she causes so many more issues with our relationship. Her mother used to love me. I have known her and her family since high school (12 years). Her mother adored me and now since my ex has moved back home and all that has changed and her mom constantly says negative things to my ex about me.

Two weeks ago I took my ex to lunch. I had been trying to do this every 2-3 weeks to maintain contact. I actually didn't want to talk about custody but my ex was adamant about it and kept pressing. Eventually i told her I realize how important breastfeeding is and i believe our son should be comfortable in his surroundings not ripped from house to house. Taking that into consideration i told her I would like to visit my son in her house when i can and I would like three hours alone with him twice a week for one on one bonding time. She told me there is no way i would be alone with her child and explained how its unfair to take a child from its mother. I attempted to explain that I understand she has a deeper bind already because she is carrying our son, but i could not make her understand that this isn't easy for me and having no bonding time is not fair to mys on or me. She ended up screaming and swinging her arms violently ( she used to hit me when we were together but she refrained from touching me this time). This has made things so much more difficult, i dont think visiting my son in their house will be healthy for him on so many levels and i have no idea what to do about it.

I try to push through her spouts of anger and blames but its so difficult, I have my own issues with my PTSD from Iraq and having someone acting this way towards me is very hard to deal with constantly. I'm sorry this is so long, I just realized I'm asking for advice and venting in a way. its hard for em to share these things with my family and friends because i don't want them to be upset with her.

Thanks again Isoko. Its nice to have a different point of view and ty for congratulating me for being a soon to be father. I'm very excited =D

Hey, glad if I helped even a bit.

It's a tough situation and I really do sympathise and empathise. Because of my own recent history of BPD (I was in hospital for 2 and a half years, from when my 2nd girl was only 8 months old), my 2 girls live with their dad all the time. and it kills me. I had hoped by now that I would be getting them for half the time (even the terminology sounds horrible, doesn't it?!) but I don't. I spend 2 hours on a tuesday with my youngest, S, to take her to the library for story & songtime. Then I have to take her back to nursery. I pick her up Friday afternoons at half 1 to take her to a dance class (she's 3 and a half so it's more like random movement to music than dance ) then we go to school to pick up B (5 and a half). I take them to mine for tea, then their dad picks them up about 6. Then I either get them from 10 to 4 on Saturday, or from 4pm and overnight. then we all meet up at church and if I've had them overnight, they go back with their dad for the rest of Sunday, or I take them for the afternoon (12 to 5 - and we spend the time at my dads). that's it....not very much. I have asked for more time - like every other Sunday night, but he's reluctant to take away any of his time with them. Not very fair.

Sorry - that turned into a whole lot of explaining my own story, rather than discussing yours....one of the perils of BPD. I just wanted to show I understand.

As to your ex saying your son can't leave her.....pure bull! And I bet after 3 months of sleepless nights, she'll be changing her tune and BEGGING you to take him for a few nights to give her a break. It's unfortunate that her mother has turned so anti- you......I think it's just a mum/daughter thing because my mum can't bear to hear my ex's name mentioned. She went from calling him "love" (albeit very fakely - she doesn't call many people affectionate names) to something I'm not allowed to type o this forum overnight. I guess mums remember how their hearts have been broken in the past and take out their own resentment against you as well. Just try to stay as pleasant and approachable as you can. Losing in-laws (or what feels like them) is hard - I miss my inlaws, even though I try to stay in touch, it's just not the same anymore. I was with my ex for nearly 13 years and it's a long time to be family and then not be family.
I would say just keep doing what you're doing, and try to keep yourself as well as you can. Allow yourself time to recover from your own difficulties (I was in hospital with a few ex squaddies with PTSD) and I hope things work out OK for you.

Thank you for replying again. Its very refreshing! I'm very sorry about your situation. You have been through so much and on top of that you don't get to spend very much time with your children. I cannot imagine how that feels and I hope in the near future your able to have the time with them that you deserve. I think a lot of my issues have to do with the unknown of my situation. It makes it hard for me to relax knowing that her and i cant come to terms and make some type of plan for our son. I feel what I have offered is giving up a lot of what I want in the best interest of my son. Honestly I would love to have him full time or at least 50/50. But I don't think its healthy. I feel like I'm giving up what I want for the best interest of my son and its not asking for much at all. That is what makes m so frustrated. Maybe i have a bad attitude feeling like I'm asking for so little and expecting her to take it well. Asking for 6 hours of alone time seems like so little to me and is upsetting and then she blows up and it makes me so upset with her. I guess I need to stop taking it so personal but its just difficult because it is so important.


You seem to be so in tune with the disorder you face. It must of been so hard getting to the point your at. Especially with everything in your past. I really appreciate your support, info and being able to relate to my situation. It means a lot to me and I truly hope your situation is better in the near future. Stay positive!