I'm on lithium !! And DENIAL !! X(

I experienced trauma a week ago, rape. I had feelings of anger and misery within me for the next few days and then i decided to bury it all. The suppression worked well to quite an extent, but I started having horrible nightmares and episodes of insomnia at night. I decided it's better to see a psychologist because, I've gone through a great deal of $#%^ before which increased my tolerance levels, but also numbed me to a great extent. Somehow, the negative is that, it hurts my subconscious. I have flashbacks of all that had happened sometimes when I'm crossing the road, my mind turns blank and I get complete blackouts, seizures and stuff like that.

Anyways, the psychologist sent me to the psychiatrist after asking me questions pertaining to my mental illness history where I told her that I was diagnosed as borderline a year back, and had attempted suicide a few times when the feelings of depression and frustration settled in. I was also physically abused by both of my parents as a child, and have been in three sexually abusive relationships with people of the opposite sex till now.

The psychiatrist asked me about my history and how it has been after the offset of depression. I told her that I fought it (honestly I consider that I'm alive today because I have a purpose and I'm destined to live which erased my depression a lot ) since the last attempt when I slit my wrist) and I figure she thought I'm hypomaniac. I tried explaining to her that I'm probably on a relapse now because the rape trigerred it, but I had a period of bliss and laughter for the past one year, which cannot be mistaken for mania. To cry is an illness, to smile too?

She's put me on lithium for a year for now ( she said we'll START OFF with it) and a drug to cure my sleep apnea and generalized anxiety. But I don't want to take lithium! I'm NOT bipolar !! I top my class, I'm so positive and I may be jumpy, but I'm not ill. If I'm sad now, it's because I've been raped while intoxicated in the backseat of a car which I hardly have any memory of. If I was depressed earlier, it was because I was too immature and unprepared to handle the bag of $#%^ continuously thrown at me.

Please tell me I'm fine. Please.
I am doing my 2nd year undergraduate degree now, I want to be a clinical psychologist. I have big dreams and fantasies. Borderline is a lifestyle, I've accepted it, I've always lived it and will probably always do.But bipolar is a lifetime nightmare which will shatter my dreams, my purpose.

Um, bipolar is a lot better than BPD in my opinion. You take meds, it's gone, you're normal (emotionally.) BPD is for life and like you said, it's a lifestyle you don't get to choose, but can only get better at coping. The more recent research shows BPD to be equally genetic as bipolar, that is, it is genetic (environment amplifies or softens it.) Of course, the way personality disorders are defined, it makes it look like a personal choice, vs a brain difference. That stigmatizes patients horribly. But I speak in terms of what I see as reality and that is, borderline is a brain condition that happens to lead to certain symptoms, but doesn't have to (I think secure borderlines who have spirituality and don't try to fill their cup with other people's approval can have happy but different lives.)

They put you on lithium, my guess, because you're suicidal and were very high strung. They probably did it because Lithium is one of the top drugs to prevent suicide and at that time, you needed to calm down.

If you want to get off of it, do what I did. Be assertive. Go to your doctor and don't be upset, don't be accusatory, just be clear and direct. Say, "I don't want to be on lithium. I don't like the side effects. I relate much stronger to BPD than I do to bipolar." And here's an optional part, you can say "People I know with BPD (this forum) seem to think Lamictal is the best medication, many of them tried several medications before and like this one most. I'd really like to try it.

Now what you've done is directly told your psychiatrist that you don't want to be on lithium. You've given them a good reason to switch, and you've done it honestly and directly (something they'll appreciate, as opposed to hints and subconscious manipulation.) If you don't want to try Lamictal, leave that out. That's what I did though.

dp

arundhati0110 wrote:Please tell me I'm fine. Please.
I am doing my 2nd year undergraduate degree now, I want to be a clinical psychologist. I have big dreams and fantasies. Borderline is a lifestyle, I've accepted it, I've always lived it and will probably always do.But bipolar is a lifetime nightmare which will shatter my dreams, my purpose.

Hi.

You're hypomanic right now.

I can tell.

You display every symptom of Bipolar and I can even see it in the way you write. But hey, what do I know? I'm not a professional. What I do know is when a BP is riding a manic state they think they're fine. (...)

I'm sorry about what happened to you.

And, you are fine. Did you know there are loads of psychiatrists and psychologists with Bipolar? Ditto on Clinical Depression and GAD. Some (if not many) get into it for the very reason that they themselves have a mental health disorder; therefore they gain an interest in it and/or want to help others with mental health disorders. With those three disorders, even Bipolar, unless it is an incredibly severe case of one of the three: you take the right pills and you function fine. Well enough to become a doctor.

You should be hoping you don't have BPD. You should be hoping you have Bipolar instead. I'm hoping for you that I'm right.

Why does being Bipolar frighten you so much? I actually hoped I was Bipolar for the longest time, but in the end, I didn't fit the symptoms, I was overwhelmingly Borderline.

What makes you think you are not Bipolar? You seem a little hypomanic but I can't really tell over a computer screen like Apocallcaps seems to be able to.

If you don't like the Lithium, you could always try Lamictal. It's suited for both Bipolar & Borderline patients & there is less of a stigma & no threat of toxic blood levels. Either way, I think its a smart move for you to be on a mood stabilizer at the moment, you were suicidal & are suffering from severe PTSD at the moment.

You don't have to be bipolar to be put on lithium. And if it controls the symptoms, does it really matter? If it keeps your mood stable (either from bipolar episodes or borderline ones) then take it! I was on it for about 6 to 8 months and it was OK. We stopped it because it didn't help me in the way that other medication had done....plus I tried to OD on it ( )

In some ways I think bipolar is MUCH more accepted and understood than PDs. People can accept that it's chemical imbalance whereas they think personalities are under our control.....I know plenty of people who love having bipolar cos they get to act nuts and get away with it!