Who's crazier: me or my ex?

Like one person said I have trouble making posts here especially when I need to. I made a post about my ex a while back as I needed to, and somehow making the post sent me spiraling downward? I actually began to think suicidal thoughts which pissed me off. And the very, continuing existence of the post made me feel worse? So, I deleted it before it got replied to. Well, although that's my prerogative I'm going to try and get out of that habit. I'm feeling in a better state of mind to make this post.

I've seen men come on here posting about how they'd just discovered they are BPD, and they came to realize they had treated their partner so badly and blah blah. I tried to tell these men the very same thing I got reminded of lately, and am having to remind myself of. That is, healthy people do not get together with unhealthy people. And healthy people certainly do not stay around for umpteen years with unhealthy people. My ex has acted so nuts on occasion and has been so infuriating that I would have walked out that door if I thought I could get better--or could get anyone. Also, I had become 'comfortable' with her. I was fully cognizant that what kept her with me is she knew like all the other 'stable' men before her, she was lucky to have found someone that would not only stick around, but would marry her (edit: this isn't entirely true, that was depression, cynicism and bitterness talking--she very much loved me and I her). I'd accept her eccentricity. Also, I'd found someone who would accept me as she was as much a mess as I was.

She was attractive, intelligent, and beneath the bitchy crap had a kind and nurturing personality and she would have me ... who was I to pass that up? Also, while she was a bit screwed up she'd have been grateful to have found a man who would accept it as well as put up with it. She did tax me on occasion, though. I was the one always having to be the rational one--that was always my job in the relationship. That was the role I played in it.

Not only at home, no no, I had to be the rational one in public when she'd lose all reason and nearly get us both in trouble. She almost got me into fights in London. She accidentally bumped into this guy once in a mall and she thought she was tough $#%^ so she started mouthing off to him (she's 5'6 and was anorexic at the time... duh!). The guy was moreorless a chav,.. he was definitely from a rough end. She put no consideration into the fact that I as her husband was in the position of perhaps having to fight this dude and maybe get injured. What if he pulled a knife? Might she have said "Look, it was an accident chill out." No,.. instead I said it but she kept mouthing.

Luckily, he had a more stable friend who was trying to calm his friend down and tell him to let it alone. I had my bags dropped and everything; I was ready but I didn't want it to come to it--it was simply my job. I thought both of them were being stupid but in all honestly I don't blame the guy for not appreciating her mouth. I never did. I remember this one occasion in London where her card had to be taken by the gas/petrol station guy. There was some complication. He had to keep it and hold onto it until she could come back with proof of some sort. Memory is fuzzy on it. You know that sort of situation, where it's protocol and it isn't up to the guy or girl that by law have to hang onto your card.

Anyway, she goes nuts. Flies into an absolute tirade. You see, she's one of these people who actually think they are tough and clever for flipping out on people like that. Oh yes, I never said she had grace or a whole load of class!!! She's completely graceless, none, that doesn't exactly send men running to you! It doesn't endear men or a husband to a woman's heart it is a put off and an embarrassment. Class? Enough. But only enough. So, anyway she then began saying "I'm going to call the police!" so then guess what? Like always, I had to step it and take control of the situation. After she said that, the guy made the clever move of picking up the phone and saying "OK, let's call the police" and he was actually starting to dial.

I had to move in quickly but smoothly. I say to her basically "love, the guy has to take the card it isn't under his control, if he doesn't take it he could get in trouble,.. it isn't anything personal it's an awkward situation for everyone ... we can just come back tomorrow with what we need and get it then" The guys eyes said "alright, he's the more rational of the two and he's going to talk sense to her and get her under control--I'll hang back" also kinda looked at me like "thanks" She was receptive to my calm, soothing voice of reasoning... You don't know how many times people have looked at me like "thanks" for defusing her and even said it to me.

When I first met her she was just recovering from a breakdown and was on benefits at the time. I too had been on benefits, but got some work in London. I figured--what girl would want some guy on benefits? I felt lucky to have found her. She couldn't and didn't judge me for it since she was on them as well. She'd always been very academic and ambitious in her life--which is part of what lead to her breakdown. I came into her life and taught her how to chill out and enjoy the other side of life. How to have peace of mind. How to relax. How to have fun in life. These were all foreign to her before I met her. For once her life had a little 'play' in it.

Anyway I've got to wrap this up. She has now forgotten everything I taught her. She is at the moment working a rather high stress, proper job (full-time), she's going to uni (trying to do school full-time as well as work full-time--don't ask me, she's cramming them together somehow and no she isn't coping), and she's making music on top of it et al. So, where is this headed? You don't have to guess as it's already happening, she's driving herself to a breakdown. She doesn't see it though--it's like she can't stop. She thinks she likes it. If she likes it so much, why is she complaining about how tired and run down she feels? About how she feels sick all of the time?

I told her once long before we discussed a separation, when I saw she beginning to go a bit 'funny' the I was concerned about her--I told her what I saw. I was as tactful as possible. But to sum it up I told her that she seemed to be going a bit nuts. She laughed in the crazy way she has taken to laughing at everything lately, this crazy/bitch laugh. Accused me of feigning concern as a way to insult. I wasn't feigning. I not only wanted her back but I wanted us back and feared that if it all continued down the path it was headed we'd be finished (surprise!). We probably would have split eventually anyway. In reality, I think it is good that it got hastened as I can get on with a new life that much sooner.

I really don't think she's bipolar or even BP II but she does have bad OCD. As far as all the other crazy behavior, she has serious childhood trauma and issues but from what I gather from her mother she's always been a bit... different. Her sister doesn't have all this crap. So, her childhood doesn't entirely account for her outrageous behaviors.

She has steadily over the last year she became more and more abusive; emotionally and psychologically and it is really holding me back from getting well. She's known me for 7 years and more importantly she knows me as only a wife knows a man--she knows where and how to get me. I confided in her, trusted her. That isn't on, it's vicious.

Yeah, not wanting to put it all down to BPD--but it caused me to be not as nice to her as I could have been throughout our relationship and I wish I knew I had it from the beginning and that would've made things a little different. I would have treated her better if I knew what I was doing was wrong, and why I did it, and got practiced to stop it before it happened. Hell, just knowing and reading about it has caused me to make rapid improvements without outside help.

But it's no justification; however, she tries to use it as justification. Also, she caused me mental anguish as well so she was no angel and she is about as much of a victim as I am. There isn't any excuse for it especially since I'm trying and she isn't. I'm trying to be civil until we're finally living apart (which will be soon thank thor) which she said she'd do as well but she isn't holding up her end--she can't. I'm doing borderline things a lot less toward her and had been since before we decided on the separation.

If you think that all sounded complicated; that wasn't the half of it. Sometimes I wonder what keeps me going, somehow I do though.

In a way, I hope she does drive herself into another breakdown and I'm there to see it. She feels she has gotten above me, and of late has been expressing it in a not very kind manner. Part of me would love to see her fall from that horse she's put herself on.

I want to write more but don't have the time. I'll probably write it in another post. This is a rough and messy draft by my own personal standards, but I wanted to get it written and posted before I forgot it all or felt unable to post it when I remembered.

Edit: Update, she is now talking about staying in contact, remaining friends and hinting at perhaps wanting to get back with me again after a while! Haha WTF! (fat chance) Tell me this woman isn't confused. Come on...

I did love her - despite it all, I truly loved her. We both loved each other. Alright, done editing now. There it is...

Apocallcaps, I just read your post and I have to say that she did mistreat you too. Maybe it just wasn't a healthy relationship because you both have issues and it's not meant to be...
It sounds almost like she might have post traumatic stress and/or some emotional issues. Maybe if she has a break down she'll realize that she needs help, who knows.
Any way, I'm glad you know what is going on with you now, that can be very helpful and relieving.