Could I be a quiet borderline?

Sometime ago I started to wonder if I suffer from BPD. Either that or I'm a just a guy who is in a lot of pain. Much of What I feel is subjective and I keep it all to myself so will try to ilustrate with something more reliable and that is the last relationship I had with Girl.

It's been a long time. WHen I was with her, most of the time what I felt was pain, fear. I thought I was in love. Many times when I was mad at her, usually about something trivial, I would give her the silence treatment. Once I picked her up, went to the movies and dropped her without sayng a word, just ignoring her. I felt pain for doing that but also a sense of pleasure for hurting her,a sense of being in control. I would be bad at her usually because she wouldn't do something I wanted when I wanted. The odd thing is: She had a boyfriend when we just started hangiung out and I didn't care. It's not because I didn't care about her but I acted like this boyfriend didn't exist, I felt like he didn't exist. In the other hand I was really needy with her. She probably had her issues too but she was a nice girl. And I could be so cruel with her, with this silence treatment thing, trying to get into a fight for no reason just because I was in pain or I wanted to push her away.
We used to break up a lot. I couldn't stand when things were just ok. Sometimes I would argue with her about her boyfriend just to pick a fight. I would use it against her but I didn't mean for her to break up even if I asked her that. I feared I couldn't handle a real relationship. On the many months we were together I couldn't have sex with her. I felt so much fear, so much pain. The pain then would just get worse as I would be afraid she would leave for not being able to make love to her. Even when she asked me to.
In the end of that year I got into a really bad depression as I quit my meds. I liked her(believe me I did) but I wanted her away. She even left her boyfriend and asked me if we could be together. She said we should have a real relationship. I said no to her. This, after insisting on her to break up for months. I was scared to death. I was so afraid of her and what she made me feel..

During the next year my depression just got worse and Almost died after a suicide attempt. That was 2004.

You're cofusing passive-aggression as silence.

Could you be a passive-aggressive borderline? Do you have any idea how hilarious that question is?

But, are you one? I'm not qualified to answer that.

Peace

I felt so guilty for rejecting her like that. A part of me wanted to almost to the point of "melting"(my vocabulaty in english is not good. That should be another word.)together and another one wanted her as away as posible.

Since this experience I didn't have any more relationships. They are painful to me and end up hurting others too. In 2004 I quit my college. Tried to return twice but my anxiety is too much. I just stay locked in my room all day. I feel a lot of anxiety and I feel hurt. I'm stuck. Part of me has given up on life a long time ago and every time I try to do something it becomes clear how huge is my pain and how much trouble I have. So i just avoid facing that, having no goals, avoiding people and any kindof responsability.
So, if someone talks about healing I dont even know what I must heal. I avoid so much the real pain, my dificulties that I don;t even know what they are anymore. I'm really scared to try anything..
I would appreciate any input. I ended up not saying why I suspect I'm a borderliner. My post would be just too long.
I would like to give an idea of the pain I'm in. I'm terrible on expressing myself.

Hey apocalipse,
I really don't know. But I see you are a borderline and Avpd and I allways suspect that this should be my diagnosis.
Either that or I'm just in a lot of pain. I don't think a diagnosis would ease any kind of pain, would it?

jucafelix wrote:I felt so guilty for rejecting her like that. A part of me wanted to almost to the point of "melting"(my vocabulaty in english is not good. That should be another word.)together and another one wanted her as away as posible.

Since this experience I didn't have any more relationships. They are painful to me and end up hurting others too. In 2004 I quit my college. Tried to return twice but my anxiety is too much. I just stay locked in my room all day. I feel a lot of anxiety and I feel hurt. I'm stuck. Part of me has given up on life a long time ago and every time I try to do something it becomes clear how huge is my pain and how much trouble I have. So i just avoid facing that, having no goals, avoiding people and any kindof responsability.
So, if someone talks about healing I dont even know what I must heal. I avoid so much the real pain, my dificulties that I don;t even know what they are anymore. I'm really scared to try anything..
I would appreciate any input. I ended up not saying why I suspect I'm a borderliner. My post would be just too long.
I would like to give an idea of the pain I'm in. I'm terrible on expressing myself.

You could have just described me; but with more. But as you said, you left out a lot. I'd like to write more but I'm posting on phone but really wanted to reply to this.

My strong hunch? Yes, you sound bpd but with extra on top of it. You're in a living hell. I can tell as I am as well especially at the time but the waking nightmare never ends. Even with med I need a steady diet of distractions, escaping and occasional drink to have some relief. It never ends.

jucafelix wrote:Hey apocalipse,
I really don't know. But I see you are a borderline and Avpd and I allways suspect that this should be my diagnosis.
Either that or I'm just in a lot of pain. I don't think a diagnosis would ease any kind of pain, would it?

It serves two purposes:

Validation which can lead to coming to terms with it as well as understanding what it means for you.

Forces doctors to acknowledge it leading to be taken seriously and helps get you pointed in the direction of things that will help you, if you are bpd that is. Just request to be screened if you want for an objective analysis so you don't get dx with something you don't have.

I understand the validation part. I'm actually more scared to not have BPD than Otherwise.
To be diagnosed would be a kind of relief.

Hi jucafelix,

sorry you're having such a hard time, im still not dxed with anything either, but have been in therapy for a bit and i relate to some of the things you feel. i know im not supposed to say it but it sounds very bpd to me. just be careful they don't dx you with something that doesn't make any sense at all, cause drs can be stupid and there is a bias towards not dxing men with BPD. im not going to be able to post anything much more useful than that, except to say im sorry you've had to go through that much pain. (((hugs))) knowing means you can start to make things better for yourself...

jucafelix wrote:WHen I was with her, most of the time what I felt was pain, fear. I thought I was in love.

i relate to that completely... very different relationship, but similar feelings, i had a relationship years ago where the guy would just contact me when he felt like it and ignore me the rest of the time, but i couldn't break up with him cause of these stupid feelings i thought were love. i was like an animal in a trap that was hanging desperately onto the trap. i only managed to end it when he confessed he had been messing with my head for fun. he said sorry and said he'd treated me badly... i shut off completely and never wanted to go anywhere near relationships ever again. I didn't know that it was me, i didn't know relationships weren't supposed to be that horribly painful.

after that i shut everything out, but it didn't help very much. i feel like that relationship and then all the friendships i ended up in afterwards have worn me down and ripped me to shreds. but i know its these problems that put me there.

jucafelix wrote:Many times when I was mad at her, usually about something trivial, I would give her the silence treatment. Once I picked her up, went to the movies and dropped her without sayng a word, just ignoring her.

oh god ive done that to people, just not in relationships. my mum has had the worst end of it, i felt like she never considered my feelings and that she didn't care, and i'd just be so angry id refuse to say anything. she can be very inconsiderate but i over reacted... a lot. she actually said she felt like she was walking on eggshells... but she can't see she treats people coldy and underneath it over reacts....

jucafelix wrote:I feared I couldn't handle a real relationship. On the many months we were together I couldn't have sex with her. I felt so much fear, so much pain. The pain then would just get worse as I would be afraid she would leave for not being able to make love to her. Even when she asked me to.

ive had the same fears about being able to handle a relationship. for me sex was never a problem but letting people in emotionally was almost impossible, so i'd push everyone away who ever tried to get close to me, mostly just by refusing to let them in so it could never happen.

jucafelix wrote:I understand the validation part. I'm actually more scared to not have BPD than Otherwise.
To be diagnosed would be a kind of relief.

i never thought id say this but i actually kinda get what you're saying there about dx. i dont think they'll say you have nothing, but you need to watch out for incompetent drs, i think people on these forums have had trouble with misdiagnosis before.

Thanks for your post Katana. It actually makes me wonder if I should look foa a specialist.
I go to a Psichoanalist who is also my psichiatrist. We have 20 minutes sessions every week but he doesen't know anything about personality disorders, he says he doesen't believe on them. We usually just do some small talk.