im at a loss, and so is my mind. (triger)

i just felt the need to post about this, it may trigger

i feel like i have lost my mind, and i dont know what to do, i feel like there are manny parts of me that i have played over the years.
i am never in the present anymore, my hands dont feel like my own, and neither does my mind.
my thoughts echo through my head and i cant remember who i am, who i was or what i belived in.

all i get is flashbacks of my childhood, deaths of family members, lots love and abandonmeants from my family.
i am totaly warn out and the fire inside has been washed away for the moment.

befor i knew i had this, i didnt think anything was wrong, just that i found life hard.
i had never herd of schemas, or personality disorders, i just though that i was a sensitive guy, who was strong.
but now i find my self realising it was all a mask, a fals self, and when i stop, do nothing and just ly there, there is nothing to me.

i dont know if im just delusianal atm, i wish i could wake up, i just feel like i am in a dream all the time.
i never feel like ive slept eaven if i get 10 hours.
my vision is half of what it should be, like the lower part is missing from my feild of vision. i have no spacial perception any more.

i dont want to give up, i guess mabe that is my self harm lol.

i just dont know how to come back from this, the knolage of what makes me, the shattering of my mind into manny pieces.

i see the psychologyst in two days.

i just hope there is some kind of hope, i was once brave. now i can hardly care for my self.


i sometimes see a reflection, that i remember that is me. from a time when i was a teenager, and when i am like that it scares me, dark thoughts and almost evil in the mirror. im scared that mabe that is what i have been hiding from all thesse years and why i dont know my real self. and if i let my self fall back to that person, then i wont be able to controal it.

Wow. A lot of this describes exactly how I've been feeling. It seems to be getting worse for me, too. I feel so out of touch with everything around me, and myself. I feel like nothing around me is real anymore, and I'm not real either. Or that I ever really was. That's one of my biggest fears, and always has been. I'm sorry I can't explain it any better, but you're not entirely alone. Good luck with the Psychologist. I hope you find something that will help.

I know how it feels and I also felt I was in a dream. You're not in a dream, you've woken up to a new reality--a new life. You're searching for yourself and wondering where you went, correct? I ask as that's the mistake I made for years. Save yourself from years of frustration.

You're right there. Look at your hands - there you are. Look in the mirror, you're there. That's you. You're like a dog chasing his tail; unaware that you're only chasing yourself--there's nothing to chase after. I don't think it was a false self--I don't believe such a thing exists. That was you at a time. This is you now--you've only just been born though and therein lies your confusion; and therein lies your current weakened state.

This stuff in you is you; and you're only fearing yourself. The longer you hide from yourself--your own self will torment you. He wants out. He wants to be acknowledged. You've imprisoned him too long and he's pissed. It's not it who is wearing down your defenses; it is you wearing down your defenses in trying to fight its escape. It wont take over though; as this metaphorical He, is you. You will unite with yourself. You'll gain control. Greater control. You will be taking over you.

So it's dark... so what? What's wrong with darkness? You do realize darkness is a form of strength, right?

I wish someone had told me the following when it all first happened to me:

"In that book which is my memory,
On the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you,
Appear the words, ‘Here begins a new life’."
— Dante Alighieri

It probably wouldn't have mattered though; as I most likely wouldn't have been capable of understanding or deciphering it at the time.

Don't get too stuck on mourning the loss of your past self as it will hold you back from building and working on your present self.

Peace

Thanks you for your words, I'm sorry that you are also going through this too, app your words realy touched me.

Is there a way of becoming, and staying "whole" through this do you think?

I sit here on my bed, I am in the preasent. I know what it is to be in the real world, but I feel like I am but the
Pieces of my self, I think they call them schemas.
When I spoke to my doc the outher day, he seemed suprized that I understood
What it meant to have bpd, it is almoast like I have an outside perspective on my self.
I hope oneday I can help this to get better and achive somthing.
I'm almost at giving up point tonight, but I won't not today.
Mabe I will be able to help outhers that suffer from this condition and outhers.

Scarey sh+t x

i agree with Apocallcaps. All i can say is if you have ever seen something dark in there, that is only one piece. there are lots of different pieces, and who you are is all of those pieces put together. Finding your way through that is scary, and yes you can end up feeling that way - when everything fell apart for me, i thought i was going crazy. i think, maybe i did for a while. i dont think there's none of who you were and who you have been, i think little pieces of you come through all over the place, all the time. some of those pieces seem very scary on their own, there are feelings in there that seem like a real nightmare when those parts are all you can see, but once you begin to deal with them, and in the end see/feel them as part of a whole, that will begin to change.

i dont know if there is a way of staying whole right the way through, i feel more whole at the moment, but i didn't for months, i felt like i was a whole load of different people. i don't even know if that is all over yet. but things have changed, in a lot of ways. and if you can't stay whole, you need to find a strong part of yourself and take control of what's in there.

Good luck with the psychologist, hope they can help with things.

I desided to let the scary part in today, I was quite suprized.
It was me, when I was 15, and it is my anger at my father.

I haven't felt this in 15 years, I have some work to do I think.