Regret....

I was just a tad too mean to my friend and he got mad at me. I immediately regretted what I said. I don't know why I can't seen when I've taken it too far. I hope he doesn't stay mad at me long. I really am sorry. If I tell him I'm sorry, he won't believe me because I've acted this way more times than I can count. Should I say sorry? I think he'd say yea right sure you are. Now I'll spend the rest of the day trying to win back his love. I'm scared he'll ignore me. I told him I don't feel well and I think that I have a fever. I think that's why I snapped at him. Maybe if I fake passing out or falling down.. He won't be mad anymore. I hate how I always do this. I really just want to be loved by the very few people I care about. ###$ you BPD!!!!!

Been there countless times myself with friends/coworkers etc.

Lilycat10 wrote:I hope he doesn't stay mad at me long. I really am sorry. If I tell him I'm sorry, he won't believe me because I've acted this way more times than I can count. Should I say sorry?

This tells me he knows this is a part of who you are. He chose to remain your friend before, then he'll probably do the same here. Couldn't hurt to just let him know how you feel now. I think it just helps to give a fuller picture. For me the guessing is problematic. I guess they'll never forgive me, they guess I hate them and often both are wrong. Be honest as you can and fill in the blanks.

Hey Lilycat.....it's a right B&gger, isn't it? I was talking to my therapist to try and find out HOW I can stop myself acting the way I do when I get triggered and she says it will take a lot of work and it might not even work at all. the problem is that when we get triggered and have an emotional spike, we are acting purely on emotion which is irrational. It literally blocks out our logical rational side and we are incapable of behaving logically until AFTER the emotion has faded. Which is too late All I can suggest is to try and be hyper aware of when you feel 100% emotional - feel the spike and recognise it. You won't be able to behave as a rational person but you CAN tell the other person that you are at an emotional/irrational peak so they should ignore anything you say until the emotion has left the building. I feel like it's easier for me to do when I am getting upset by something (i.e. crying) as the crying is my cue that the emotion has taken over...I literally cannot stop the tears.

BUT - I am hopeless at recognising when I'm feeling rejected/ignored/belittled. I flip straight into STROPPY mode and I'm all uptight, my voice gets tight and hard and I react like a kid (which is just what BPD is - we don't have the control that we should have learnt when young....not our fault, it's the genes). I just have to learn to take a breath and give myself time to recognise the negative emotion and deal with it. I do eventually work it out, but by then I've said some nasty stuff normally

Explain to your pal, just like I have and give him the authority to use some kind of key phrase to cue you to help you recognise the stroppy mode when it hits.

Iwoya wrote:Been there countless times myself with friends/coworkers etc.

Lilycat10 wrote:I hope he doesn't stay mad at me long. I really am sorry. If I tell him I'm sorry, he won't believe me because I've acted this way more times than I can count. Should I say sorry?

This tells me he knows this is a part of who you are. He chose to remain your friend before, then he'll probably do the same here. Couldn't hurt to just let him know how you feel now. I think it just helps to give a fuller picture. For me the guessing is problematic. I guess they'll never forgive me, they guess I hate them and often both are wrong. Be honest as you can and fill in the blanks.

Yea, you're right. He's known me since I was born and I do this a good 50-60 times a year so it's nothing new. I was going to tell him how I felt but then he acted like nothing was wrong so I think he knew it really wasn't on purpose. Guessing is what really gives me anxiety.

isoko49 wrote:Hey Lilycat.....it's a right B&gger, isn't it? I was talking to my therapist to try and find out HOW I can stop myself acting the way I do when I get triggered and she says it will take a lot of work and it might not even work at all. the problem is that when we get triggered and have an emotional spike, we are acting purely on emotion which is irrational. It literally blocks out our logical rational side and we are incapable of behaving logically until AFTER the emotion has faded. Which is too late All I can suggest is to try and be hyper aware of when you feel 100% emotional - feel the spike and recognise it. You won't be able to behave as a rational person but you CAN tell the other person that you are at an emotional/irrational peak so they should ignore anything you say until the emotion has left the building. I feel like it's easier for me to do when I am getting upset by something (i.e. crying) as the crying is my cue that the emotion has taken over...I literally cannot stop the tears.

BUT - I am hopeless at recognising when I'm feeling rejected/ignored/belittled. I flip straight into STROPPY mode and I'm all uptight, my voice gets tight and hard and I react like a kid (which is just what BPD is - we don't have the control that we should have learnt when young....not our fault, it's the genes). I just have to learn to take a breath and give myself time to recognise the negative emotion and deal with it. I do eventually work it out, but by then I've said some nasty stuff normally

Explain to your pal, just like I have and give him the authority to use some kind of key phrase to cue you to help you recognise the stroppy mode when it hits.

Sure is! When I was in therapy, I brought this up as one of my main issues.. and you know what my horrible therapist said? He said.. "Keep acting that way. There's nothing wrong with it because no one is in physical danger." WHAT??? Even having BPD, I KNOW that acting like that is very wrong! Hence, the reason I quit therapy.

Yes, crying does make it easier to recognize. Once the crying has stopped then I know I've calmed down enough.

Everything worked out okay. He ignored my behavior, I stopped my bad behavior and we got along just fine.

Lilycat, Glad things are working out.

isoko49, Where does "Stroppy" come from and what does it mean? (I love the word and I just want to use it correctly. I've just never heard it before).

Iwoya.....Stroppy is a word we use in the UK (certainly here in Scotland) and it's official definition is:

strop·py (strp)
adj. strop·pi·er, strop·pi·est Chiefly British
Easily offended or annoyed; ill-tempered or belligerent.

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[Perhaps alteration of obstreperous.]

It sums me up perfectly when I get triggered the right/wrong way!

Thanks isoko49. I can hardly wait to use it. I'm not sure what that says, though. But now it's there when I need it.