so what exactly are

some specific techniques offered in therapy regarding chipping away at the projections and other ego manifestations that dominate us? to force self-love seems impossible when one has no understanding of the concept of self-acceptance and only feels apathetic toward the existence of the self (despite all optimistic cognitive efforts)... so what kind of knowledge is offered? how does one feel compassion for the self when there's no self to feel?

or is it rather a process of things like self-talk, forcing logic (which seems illogical) on our behaviors, choosing to be mindful and willingly engaging in alternative methods of self-expression that aren't self-destructive--all before self-love is felt? since love itself is the process of continuing to care FOR, in defiance of the initial wavering, occasionally destructive emotions? can self-compassion be felt through the hardship of practice, OR does something need to be felt in order to make such a commitment without failing? such confusing stuff...

It's a long slow process is what it is.

you sound more than a little sceptical......but I am living. Proof.

I know that looks weird typed like that because it looks like I should have said "I am living proof". But it's both. I'm living proof that DBT and Schema Therapy can help because I am still alive. And that's all the proof you should need. I tried to kill myself so many times before and after dx. My last suicide attempt was last July, due to a difficult period when my partner of 13 years told me our marriage was over. But even then, I knew it was a "blip" as soon as I overdosed and I got straight back on the recovery horse.

What has therapy done for me and how? Well - it's given me new skills that I can pick and choose to help me in situations where my exaggerated emotions jump into overdrive. The most effective tool for me, and the other BPDer in my "Living with Emotions/DBT" group has been the use of "coping thoughts". It's CBT in a way, but it's been easier for me to get the hang of in a DBT framwork than CBT. CBT, to me, says "automatic thought = wrong, bad, naughty, slap wrists". DBT says "OK, you've had this thought and that's reasonable given your circumstances. Here's a thought to help take away the sting". So when I drop a cup or spill something and I'm already feeling stressed because I'm running late, I still automaticaly think "you are so stupid". But then I acknowledge the thought and then say "you dropped a cup. It was a silly thing to do but you don't do it all the time, plus you're feeling stressed which is bound to make you feel worse. take a deep breath and move on". there's maybe not much of a difference, but it's a big difference to me.
SO - with therapy geared towards BPD a lot of it isn't necessarily about self-love because they (the therapists) know that loving ourselves is damn near impossible. But they're happy if we can learn to just like ourselves a little more and try to think kinder thoughts about ourselves. It's learning how to soothe yourself, relax yourself, be mindful of how you're feeling and think about why you're feeling that way. Schema work helps me to see the different modes i flip in and out of, recognise them and learn ways of dealing with them. Therapy has it's limits and therapists know this - all they try to do is give us new toolfs to help us identify what we're feeling, why we're feeling it, and then ways of dealing with our emotions. Emotion Regulation helps us keep our lives under a degree of control, Distress tolerance acknowledges that there are times when we can't regulate our emotions, we just need to take care of ourselves and keep safe. Mindfulness can help reduce our anxieties over things, and stop the whirling thoughts from getting out of control. interpersonal Skills help us learn how to be assertive without being overly aggressive, and Compassion aims to help us be more compassionate about ourselves. underlying all therapy is an emphasis on acceptance. We are who we are - lets work with ourselves, not against ourselves, to make our lives as meaningful as we can.

These are all things we can do without loving ourself. I don't love myself but I sometimes like myself now.

oh no, not skeptical at all, just confused. i am the most optimistic person around. i think i abandoned my ability to simply give up long, long ago--maybe i never even had it? giving up is comfort. comfort is stagnant, therefore empty. and i like to challenge myself and discover things about myself... even if i start to doubt, i quickly snap back. it's kind of exhausting... i just have an intense will to keep going, somehow, i just can't stop living! i've never attempted suicide... i've considered it, tried to make myself want it, but i never felt the intention to die despite all suicidal ideation, despite so many intense negative emotions and self-destructive behaviors... this is maybe my strangest contradiction that i still don't understand, but that's pretty much why i want to continue on. i want to keep finding myself and all of the frightening emotions i may have buried; i want to know why i have such a lack of self-trust despite trusting myself so much, want to know where all i don't need convincing, just tools :p

but thank you, that actually helps a lot. it kind of confirms what i've been teaching myself for the past year or so, so i must be doing something right, despite all of the contradictions... a little outside help would probably be beneficial, though.

I think we're people who don't feel the warm, beautiful feelings of life. There's a measure of "reward dependence" which has been shown to relate to norepinephrine release in the brain. Normal people feel good during positive social interaction, reaching long term goals, working together, etc. . . . Borderline people feel empty where normals feel fulfilled. But we have no shortage of negative emotion. We're very high on fear, guilt, worry, shame, etc. . . .

Imagine everywhere you go, everyone is searching for this reward, and as they grow to trust people, the reward gets higher and higher. The higher the trust, the more comfortable the body, the more intense the wonderful feelings. Let's call it, "love." I don't really think it's love, because I believe I love in absence of that feeling. I just think normal people are hooked on that feeling and to them, the most intense level of it, it's what they call love.

So we're missing the best part of life. It's heroine without the addiction. It constantly fills the soul. I imagine we're pissy, jealous, cold and distant because of it. But we get an extra dose of negative emotion, so we feel backed in a corner, inferior, edgy, angry. We're confused when people get upset with us because we have no clue why they're so upset. People seem to eventually dislike us, no matter what we do to try to stop it. Sharing that positive feeling is something normal people are dependent on. We don't have it, so naturally we don't share it and they naturally feel no connection and naturally don't really want much to do with us. We keep wondering why? What is going on? What am I doing wrong? At some point we probably become avoidant because we know we're going to screw up. We become dependent because we need other people to help us handle the areas of our life that should be natural.

The whole time all of this is going on, even some mental health professionals believe we're doing simply prying for attention (and at times we are.) People who have temporary depression, they have ways to describe it, "I'm not interested in the things I used to be interested, I feel empty even around the people I love most, etc. . . . . We can't even describe what's missing. We just feel empty and they have no idea why. The person with temporary depression though, they develop good social skills when they're not depressed. They know what is right and wrong and how to be with people. They might sink off into seclusion a little, but when they are iwth people, they know how to act, even though they're not feeling it.

Our biggest problem is that we're empty. Emptiness is not a joy to be around. We're horrible company, intolerable to be around in many cases. People keep pushing us away and we keep wondering what's wrong with us. It's all a big cycle. It's no surprise we're worried about abandonment. It keeps happening. Over and over and over, people just do not like us. They repel from us like oil in water and we want nothing more but to be be liked, but we're not likeable.

On the bright side, even though I struggle to feel happiness in the moment, I do enjoy looking at pictures of my family and in my head I can enact these scenes that feel like love to me. I struggle to be a decent dad and husband, but in my mind, I enjoy their company. Inside my head, I have an escape where I'm not limited by the chemicals my body will produce. I can feel happy, I can feel fulfilled, but I can't share it with anyone.

It's a weird curse. I think a good borderline is someone who keeps to themselves. We're not meant to be around other people in my opinion. A good borderline is very alone. A good borderline helps people in ways that don't require relationships (helping the homeless, helping a local food pantry.) You're doing something good for people. It feels good, but there is no obligation to share that feeling we're lacking. This way we won't fail and won't feel abandoned when someone gives us the cold shoulder because they want nothing to do with us (per usual). It's an example of what we can do to feel good though, helping people without having to be close to people. It's a way of seeing a positive reaction without having to do the traditional things to get the positive reaction (standard, social warmness that is)

dp

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