do you ever feel...

like an actor, even in isolation? especially when you have an intense emotional reaction to something...

like the core of this emotion, the deepest, most painful part can't be felt, it's shallow, yet you act out this emotion with tears, put on a show of self-harm (for yourself), drama drama drama, for yourself, not really controlling it yet totally in control at the same time?

let me explain...

i was thinking about the overlap between "HPD" and "BPD"; i'm becoming increasingly dissatisfied with the representation of personality disorders as separate disorders rather than one huge personality conflict--on a spectrum--with many overlapping and frequently/randomly varying symptoms... but ANYWAY, isn't the symptom i described more along the lines of a histronic personality? it is strange, since i exhibit a lot of schizoid characteristics such as sexual and frequent social apathy, dissociating from emotions via intellectualizing (i tend to coldly dismiss my core beliefs as irrational--which they are--thus preventing me from recognizing them easily, in a way; it's sort of like my belief system says "i don't deserve to be loved as i am," yet instead of integrating this core belief into my consciousness i say "i know that it is irrational to believe that i, a human being, am not worthy of love and therefore it is ridiculous to consider that i truly feel this way"... actually, i frequently utilize this dissociation to give really really good, logical advice to friends with problems similar to mine and who cannot understand the irrational nature of their destructive conscious beliefs, so i become a "hypocrite"), fantasy retreat, no desire to be the center of attention... but i also histronic symptoms such as the belief that relationships are more intimate than they are (only sometimes), this feeling like my emotions don't truly exist and i am simply acting out for attention (for myself, in an odd way, OCCASIONALLY my parents and close friends or some "ghost" of a person who is not actually present--this is difficult to explain, but i will elaborate if needed) (also DESPITE THE FACT that i do not feel totally in control of my acting--almost as though it were real--there is still some element of superficiality), intense desire for praise, egocentricism and classic can't-stop-staring-at-my-lovely-reflection-damn-i'm-hot narcissism (when i'm not busy HATING my horribly ugly freak alien excuse for a body, that is--i'm also bulimic yay, but since when do people with eating disorders occasionally lust after themselves? i have not met one, seriously, and i have been in/utterly failed group treatment)... tbh, INTENSE, heart-ripping, gut-puncturing emotional depth can be felt when i feel like i have been horribly embarrassed by my peers or abandoned by a person with whom i'm "in love" (this has happened only three times in my life; all three of these people have been very motherly females, they kind of unintentionally dominated my every waking heartbeat without ever knowing it, become a sort of "replacement" in my fantasy world for a part of myself that is usually absent, including logical thought and love for myself)--OTHERWISE, it's almost like i'm putting on a SHOW OF PAIN for either myself or these women (and i guess it can be argued that this "absorbing" them--so that they become an innate dissociated personality that's just an extension of myself--is why i feel like i act for both myself and them simultaneously), only if they're not present, only if i'm isolated... i guess that comes back to the "ghost" thing (sorry, can you tell i haven't planned out this monster paragraph? i just write as i go, my thoughts are pretty everywhere). ANYWAY, point is, OMG INNATE CONTRADICTIONS LIKE WHOA. this is pretty much why i hate the DSM. if borderline doesn't already cover most of the personality disorders simultaneously (does it tend to?), then apparently i would have all of them, to varying degrees, at different times (not to mention basically all symptoms of ADD, major depressive disorder [apparently i most closely resemble "depressive-masochistic borderline," but i'm probably all of the other subtypes at the same time, did i mention I HATE THE DSM?]) it is like i am highly emotional and completely apathetic and praise-seeking and praise-deflecting (as a kid i always told my parents "NEVER SAY YOU'RE PROUD OF ME") all at the same time. ...what. the. hell. i'm pretty much also full-blown OCPD except i live in a highly disorganized environment despite wanting desperately for it to all be neat and tidy because perfection/cleanliness/utter order is OMG WONDERFUL AND THE MOST SATISFYING SENSATION EVER, yet i don't clean (there's the masochism, i guess) and tend to live in a filthy environment and fail to attend to some hygienic needs (there's the major depression, i guess).

...to bring it all back to the thing about being an actor, i often put myself down--i look in the mirror and feel compelled to say "i hate you" or "i hate myself" without feeling the intensity of hate, i act out/harm myself when i'm alone as if to attract compassion from myself or a person who is not really there (i hope that one day i'll be able to express this pain to them in real life), i sometimes even have fun reacting faux-dramatically to situations that only irritate me slightly ("OH PENCIL, where are you, pencil? PENCIL, CAN YOU NOT COMPREHEND THE PAIN OF LACKING A PENCIL? you hurt me, don't you see? where are you... i miss you... please..." all in a really really realistic english accent).

maybe my emotions aren't false, but the voice in the back of my brain that says "everything you think you feel is a lie, you just want the sympathy" won't dissipate...

i. don't. know.

i guess i'm asking if anybody else is similar? :3





compulsive edit 1 for slight grammar error: further proof of perfectionism

compulsive edit 2 for even MORE SLIGHT grammar error: EVEN FURTHER proof of perfectionism

third time: well $#%^.

something else...

i think, in many instances, i experience emotions visually rather than feeling them at the core. for instance, self-hatred is a very very quick ambiguous sharp pain followed by violent images of self-destruction; music is felt intensely yet somehow not at all, but i can see sound as vivid colors and shapes. unsurprisingly i feel compelled to draw/sketch when i'm emotionally engaged, and these creations tend to reveal themselves as like... freakishly metaphorical representations of whichever emotion i would have felt if not for the 889439843428 defense mechanisms my ego must construct for whatever reason p:

it's like despite the intensity, there is nothing. almost like the visual steals the feeling before it's felt completely...

typical dissociation or no?