So they say I can be cured

Hello,

So my name is Paul and I'm new to this forum. I'm not sure if this is the proper place to intro myself. I did look for general introduction thread but gave up pretty quickly. The section is the reason I'm here. Just to get some insight into a few things as I am slight bewildered at the moment.

I was tired of my poor social skills. I have so many acquaintances but very few, if any, actual friends. Perhaps I just don't know what a friend is or I have unrealistic expectations. Either way I was tired of it so I decided to talk to someone about improving my social life. One month later I have this diagnosis slapped on me. The more I read about BPD the more it sounds as if the medical opinion as an accurate one.

My therapist said that with much work I can be 'cured'. Now the thing is, I'm not sure if that's a good thing. This is the way that I am and always have been. Sure it's not ideal I suppose, but I really don't know any different? After I'm 'cured' exactly who will I be? Is it really possible to rewrite someone's entire personality?

What I do is use people. I use them and manipulate them to give me what I want. The sexual stuff is fun. I stopped being picky about it a long time ago. Call me gay, bisexual or anything else. I just call myself opportunistic. It's that rush of power that I'm after when they finally give in. I have to tell you that they almost always do. Everyone needs something and everyone wants to be understood. That I can give to them, that connection they need. If I can find that one little chink in their armour then I am in. Of course it means nothing to me, nothing at all beyond the conquest. In the end I hate them. Always.

Sometimes it sickens me. At times I loathe myself so deeply that I am literally paralysed by it. When I was growing up I just assumed that everyone else walked around looking for ways to end their life. That everyone else regularly cried themselves to sleep at night. The night that their parents didn't come in and randomly start beating them, that was. When I saw other children with their parents and the love between them it was so strange and foreign that I assumed something perverse was happening.

The past can't be erased and I'm here to tell you that my past sucked. It took me a while to actually admit to that and realize that but yeah it really did. My therapist asked me to describe what a loving home environment would look like and I didn't have a clue. Outside of sitcoms and I really don't believe those of course.

I really like going out and socializing. Being around people always makes me feel better because it feeds my need. The need to be validated and admired. Others say that I'm charismatic and fun to be around. I have a hard time seeing that. Quite often I wish I could step back out of my body and see what they see. Unfortunately I'm trapped inside of my body. It's a strange feeling actually as if I literally am trying to pull away.

It's not that I don't want to be cured. It's just that I can't picture how I would be without this. Yet the thought of being able to have friends and not automatically fall into my bag of tricks is appealing. I wish I had the ability to stop seeing everyone as a conquest to drain dry. Instead see them as a person who I could share experiences with. I'm really lonely I suppose. But I don't know ... what else there is.

Welcome aboard Paul

Yeah, I remember years ago being "worried" about what it would be like to be "cured" out of the same uncertainty of what it would be like to be anything else. What one of my shrinks told me at the time was that "Separation from an illness is also a form of separation" and that it's natural to feel a need to grieve over the loss of something that has escorted us (and served as a defense and coping mechanism, after all) our entire lives.

You don’t have to worry too much though because – while it IS definitely possible to change one's personality (even radically so) and definitely possible to recover from most of BPD or possibly even all of it (hopefully) – it takes a loooooooong time to get there and every step you take is entirely up to you and requires a ton of work…

One thing I can assure you about the great unknown of recovery though – it's BETTER in every respect imaginable. The process itself may be difficult and painful but with every step you take you'll be happier, more wholesome and overall better off than what you were before you took it.

"When the spirit is injured the wounds must be honored." -- native American proverb

I won't elaborate. Chew on it. Or don't...

Greetings and Salutations.

There's a n00b board, if you really want to and say hi, but you're not obligated.

Also, I know how you feel about not thinking there's a real chance that you can be cured. I felt that way for many years. Who are you if you're not a BPDer? It's part of your identity now. Baby steps... It takes time to understand who you can be and if you want to be that person... or someone else. You can be them, too... You can be a lot of people without the weight of BPD to hang over your head. It may never completely go away; mine still acts up from time to time, but it can get significantly better.

We're here for you. Feel free to PM and ask questions.
(I've been here for what seems like forever... it's a neat place)

Thanks for the replies. I was glad to read the stories of moving towards recovery. It's good to know the light at the end of the tunnel is in fact the sunshine and a new day. As opposed to a train bearing down on me at full speed.

I don't have much to say right now but I wanted to just say that. I appreciate the quote. I am going to think about that. I have a vague idea of what it would mean to me but nothing concrete.

Cured?

not sure about that.

Learn to adapt, compensate, control and live with... definitely

I'm like Simon - I'm not sure we can be cured of a genetic and/or brain disorder....but you learn to live with the bits that don't cause you too much of a problem, and learn new ways of dealing with the bits that do cause you problems. Sometimes you don't even realise you HAD a particular problem until it is mentioned in therapy (like dysphoria) and then you have a lightbulb moment and go "THAT's why I do that!".

A diagnosis is simply a label to describe how you currently live your life. You can change as much of as little as you want to.....if you were perfectly happy before the diagnosis, GREAT. If there were things that bothered you then now you now why they may have occurred and you can work towards fixing them.