A bit worried...a couple of things

Hi guys,

I was wondering if this was a common problem, or something I should speak to my therapist about.

Does anyone else seem to lose periods of time in their memory? I was trying to find some paperwork last night (the official report from my diagnosis) and I almsot turned my room upside down and it's just not there. I know it was there when I moved in last October, and I'm super organised so I know it was kept in a particular folder in a particular location. I hunted through all my other folders and boxes just to be absolutely sure, but it's not anywhere to be found. I also discovered a couple of weeks ago that some other stuff I knew I'd kept just wasn't there anymore. I'm normally the kind of person who keeps everything - I still have payslips from 13 years ago, just incase). But in the last couple of years I've obviously had these periods of throwing stuff out, and I can't really remember doing it. I can only infer that this is what's happened from the fact that the paperwork is gone. I also did the same with clothes a year or so back - threw out my favourite jumper and top and I can't for the life of me think WHY I would do that?! I'm scared that these are mini-manic phases. It's especially frustrating because I have a freakishly good memory for most things - phone numbers, bills due, dates of things, anything really. But I absolutely cannot remember throwing this stuff out, but I must have because I live alone and nobody else has even been into my bedroom where I keep all my files. I'm scare that it might be bipolar tendencies, especially coupled with my stupid impulsivity. Me and internet shopping are NOT meant to be good friends but I still find myself getting out my credit card.......I don't think I could handle another problem on top of what I've already got.

Also - does anyone else find their mood alters at certain times of the year? Mine drops for no obvious reason in March/April, July and then from mid-October to end-january. I know that July is mostly due to the fact it's my birthday so I either feel suicidal at the thought of turning another year older with no end in sight, or totally let-down because the day isn't as brilliant as I want it to be. Winter is probably a bit of SADS, but it's the March/April one that's bugging me at present. It seems to be the tie of year when I'm prone to overdoses, self-harm and so-on. I don't deliberately think "oh this time last year I was in an ambulance" or anything (I passed an anniversary without noticing it); it just seems that my mood drops at this time of year and I can't help it. Just wondered if anyone else had found the same thing.

Thanks for any help. x

Hey,

You've mentioned a few things here. Firstly, it's normal indeed for moods to vary throughout the year. I think that, for some of us, change of any type is unwelcome. In march/april, the days rapidly have more and more light, until eventually it's bright up to around 10PM each night. Then, in October it starts to darken to the point where it's only bright until 4PM (in the UK at least...). The extra light makes us do different things, and the lack of light makes us do others - they change our behaviours, and for some this can be problematic. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a little bit different I feel.

Regarding losing memory - yeh! - happens to me all of the time. At times I don't know what I did the day previous. However, I generally always know where an item is in my house. If you set some time aside to go through your things slowly, then perhaps you'll be more able to decide what you need and what you don't. moreover, you might find things that you thought you had thrown out, and you'll certainly gain a better understanding of where everything is. So, set a few hours aside some weekend to go through everything. Many things that people keep they don't really need at all. Keep the sentimental stuff, and get rid of clothes by dropping them off at charity shops. They are VERY welcome, because there are a lot of poor people out there looking for handouts of all types.

TAke care
Kevin

Yes, and it concerns as well as depresses me. I used to have a fantastic memory and was quite organized and then something went terribly wrong. I think my mind is on overdrive and/or overloaded, focusing on keeping tight reigns on my mind? Or blocking stuff out? Using more resources than has or should to hold my head together? Could it be my meds? I'm on a pretty high dose of them. I am not stupid by any means but I began losing place of things, I can't remember or memorize my own phone or mobile # and keep it in a notebook app on my Android. I'll forget what the date is sometimes. It makes me feel like an idiot but it's only limited to my memory. It happened very slowly over time, and the stress in my life did and has increase(d). I actually recall the very first instance of it; I was getting a haircut and they asked for my phone # at this place as it was how they identified you in their computer. I went blank and it was freaky, I just shook my head slowly, disoriented, in disbelief (and incredibly embarrassed), the woman quietly said "I just asked for your phone #..."

I seriously don't think I'm very well

I manage though... and I'll get to the root of it.

Chucky wrote:At times I don't know what I did the day previous.

This too.

It's funny what you're saying about different times of the year. I can understand weather/seasons etc could
have cyclical effects on your mood but with me its more specific events seem to happen at specific times of the year.
For example all of my relationships have started in october, bad patches are always at the same time of year as
are breakups. Like you say, its not that I'm sitting there anticipating these things are going to happen at certain times,
they just do and afterwards I realise. I moved from northern to southern hemisphere 3yrs ago so its not as though the
seasons can be playing a part in that. Its as though there is a set pattern my life must follow! I read somewhere that people with bpd are prone to believing they can control
peoples actions or make things happen by thinking about them. I appreciate this sounds like I'm going over to the
realms of loopiness but I definitely do that! Sometimes it seems more like forsight and being aware of things that are
going to happen in the future rather than me actually making things happen. I know this sounds odd but it
definitely seems to happen much more than I could put down to coincidence!


In terms of memory I don't blank out, I lose things quite a lot but think that's more because I am very
disorganised and messy! My memory has definitely got worse in general over the last few yrs though which I put down
to getting older and not using my brain as I used to but it does coincide with the bpd symptoms getting
more pronounced so that may definitely have something to do with it I guess!

However, I generally always know where an item is in my house. If you set some time aside to go through your things slowly, then perhaps you'll be more able to decide what you need and what you don't. moreover, you might find things that you thought you had thrown out, and you'll certainly gain a better understanding of where everything is.

that's the thing Kevin - I DO know where everything is! That's why it's freaking me out so much! Normally I go through my files once a year and get rid of the electric/phone bills etc from 3 years before (i keep 3 years worth). When I moved to this flat, I didn't take any old records with me because I had to move out of the family home when my husband left me and the recent bills were all in his name. Anyway - I keep bills in one file, personal documents like passports, driving license in another, 1 for specific stuff related to the tenancy, 1 for stuff relating to the kids, 1 for my college applications, and so on. I have a whole crate relating to my hospital stay and another full of stuff relating to the CMHT and the group sessions I go to. I file paperwork within a week of receiving it. So I KNOW that anything gone "missing" really has gone missing. If I think about it really hard then I can maybe, just about, recall throwing stuff out, but I can't tell if I'm remembering it or making it up to try and reassure myself. Normally I am very controlled about things and I do like to keep things for longer than strictly necessary (I like the familiarity of certain clothes etc) and I have proper clear outs of clothes once a year. Anything I haven't worn gets put to charity.

This is why I am so concerned - it is totally against my normal character and I don't seem to have any control over it. I didn't choose to throw this stuff out in my normal state - I would never have done that. So it suggests that I'm having periods in some other kind of state that isn't within my control. Does that make sense?

Well, I can think of a few possibilities to this, but I'm not going to conjecture. It now seems like something that you should definately raise with your therapist. It's not a split-personality issue (I'm sure...), but as I and others have already implied, it's easy to lose memory of events that even happened in the recent past. I struggle to recall what I did yesterday. Once I do something, it's done and I leave it there.

Kevin