All alone in the world.....is this reality? It can't be...

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I diagnosed myself with bpd two years ago after losing my first and only friend. I had never heard of bpd, but when I stumbled on it, it seemed to fit. We were only friends for about 4-5 months. But hes is the only person I've ever trusted. I hate myself for how I treated him. When I told my doctor and my therapist that I thought I had bpd, it wasn't for another seven months that they gave me a test that confirmed it. I continued therapy. I took every pill and shot and combination. I took ect. I received enough treatments that the doctor on my case from my insurance told my doctor that if I killed myself that he would legally be in the clear. I have tried to kill myself many times and have been hospitalized many times. After the ect I continued therapy for many months longer. During the summer of last year I stopped bathing, brushing my teeth, or cutting my hair. I wanted to kill myself so bad. In February of this year, I was going to kill myself. I was so determined, I threw up from my stomach being queasy. I didn't have a place to hang myself with a full suspension (I have tried a partial suspension) and I went to work that night, where I threw up again. Two days later, I found a journal I kept for a short while back when I had my friend. I read it, not knowing what I would find, only to be reminded about how much he cared for me even though I was crazy. I only got angry twice, and even then I didn't blow up or say anything mean. I did tell him all the time about how sad and depressed I was and he got tired of it. He was my only friend. He was the only person who didn't ignore me. He saw me crying one day at work and he is the only person who ever said I could talk to him if I needed to talk. He is the only person who told me he was proud of me (I started therapy, shortly after we became friends). I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF! We still work together. He just looks the other way when I walk by....it hurts so much. If I my doctor and therapist hadn't wasted my time and money and tested me in one of the many hospitalizations I was in while we been friends, I would have changed my behavior. I also have non hallucinatory schizophrenia. Sometimes I think that is a nightmare and I have to kill myself to wake up or that this is literally and actually hell. I feel so bad all the time that I know it absolutely must be a divine pusnishment. I think everyone hates me. I think this world is better off without me. I'm empty. I'm alone. Life can't really be like this. I'm twenty five and I have never gone anywhere or done anything. I've spent every birthday and new year's and weekend alone. I'm brushing my teeth, I cut my hair and gave it to charity, I I'm bathing and the skin on my face is looking smooth and clean again. I've lost twenty of the of the 50 pounds I put on immediatley after I lost my friend. I do this for myself, but when I need him, he is still there, even if its just a memory. I have to imagine that he will see a change in me and forgive me. I've lost the first third of my life and I can never get it back or make up for it. I'm starting school in the fall and I'm glad, but that was something I should have acclomplished by now. I wish I were dead, I wish I were bleeding. I wish one medication would work, but they don't. Why does God hate me? Wasn't it bad enough that I was molested and neglected? I had to lose my life and my only friend to a painfull and convient disease that no one can understand or believe exists. Even though I have set a course, I still don't know hwho I am and nothing means anything to me. Life? I can take it or leave it......

Heya,

There are positives in what you wrote... I know that the present time feels really difficult to endure, but look at what you're doing: You have lost much of the weight that you gained; you are bathing yourself again; ...; you are getting on with your life. After such a dramatic loss, there was bound to be a period of feeling sad and not having desire to do things. Now, it seems that your desire is returning. You also mentioned that you hope he'll see the change in you, and perhaps that will happen. However, do'nt wait around for such a moment. Please just continue the way you are - focus on YOU - and ignore what he does. If he notices some day that you're getting on just fine without him, then maybe he'll regain a desire to be fiends. However - and again - don't wait for that day, because it simply might never come.

The feeligns of death that you currently have might be 'residual' due to the suicide attempts of the past. I regrettably say to you now that I attempted suicide twice in the past, and it has taken years for the thoughts to vanish. For the past 2 years, however, the thoughts have not existed. No matter what difficulty I face, I want to live out my life.

There's always a way, my dear Z1t23ch3

Take care,
Kevin

You're starting school in the fall, you're moving forward (despite how bad you feel) -- that's great.

Your friend, maybe he will come back to you, maybe not, and that may be terrifying, but there are lots of people out there in the world capable of being good friends to you. You'll find some more of them if you stick around in the world and leave the house and talk to people.

I know what you mean feeling like you should have accomplished certain things already. I've often felt like every decision I made in my life was a mistake, mistake after mistake after mistake, I was getting nowhere, not moving forward, digging myself deeper and deeper. What I eventually saw, though, was that I wasn't as deep in the hole as I thought. There's always a way to move forward, sometimes gaining more than you would have if you'd done things the normal way. Someone twenty years older than you, with less accomplished than you, could start working to make things better tomorrow and end up doing really well for themselves (emotionally as well as out there in the world). It's not too late.

You won't always be alone. You won't always be where you are now.

Thanks. Just had to get my story out there. The best thing is that even though my mind tells me I can't be happy without his friendship, I know otherwise. Well, now that I think about that, I don't know whether that is a good thing or not. It'd be better if I didn't think those thoughts at all, but I'm trying to change my behavior. Just got back from the groceries and cooking my food for the week. You have to be vigilant. I'm not sure if this is real life. There's enough doubt that I can't be certain. However, I'm trying. I've given up on therapy and I won't even bother with pills again, but I think I'll join a group in a month or two so I can get this bile out. It's just difficult even trying to make friends....you just believe everyone hates you and you're afraid that you'll hurt someone else. I know I wouldn't do it to anyone again and if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have done it then either. It's also difficult to give up on that friendship since it was the only one and he did some much for my self confidence by just calling me his friend and being there. Making me feel worthwhile even though I "knew" I wasn't worth anything. Plus, with working full time and going to school full, I won't have time to make friends or make for lost time...... I'm trying to be positive, but what I want and what's actually possible aren't compatable...... Guess I just have to make the best of it.

I'm 30.........and sometimes feel the " i wasted my life" pain.


I think it helps me, when i realise....... i didn't have a choice in the matter. I did what i did.....because i am what i am.
I am what i am.......because of what the world was, and who the people in my life were.

It's really not my fault, there was nothing else i could of done. If i could go back, as the me of today, of course i would of done more. But i wasn't the me of today, yesterday.

Guess I just have to make the best of it.

Take "guess" out of that sentence............and that really is the most intelligent thing any human being has ever uttered.


Also..........whatever life you think you are in, that is real life. I assure you, there is no fake one. Of that you can be certain.



I have some pretty silly fears too.......... lucky for me, i'm not very afraid of hurting people. A little, but not enough to keep me away from them.


But yeah, i do have some fears.........that can rob the joy out of getting close to people. Totally destroy it in some cases.

I'm learning to operate, as if my fears are true. As i believe them to be. Or atleast, i know i may never feel that they aren't.


I am afraid that no one will ever love me enough. That no one will ever be able to do enough, say enough or act in a way i want enough..........to make me believe that they love me the way i want.

And it's probably the only thing i want.

And yeah, it's not compatible.


So instead of being afraid of it being true..........i just have to know that it is. That it is true.


Perhaps you need to learn to do the same. "everyone hates you".........does that mean you can't try and not hate them? even care for them?

"you will hurt people"..........but isn't it upto them, to decide if they like the way you hurt them or not? Isn't it upto them, to decide that you heal them more than you hurt them.


The fear of getting to know people........is always going to be there. And you may deep down fundamentally believe that everyone hates you...........that might always be there aswell..........but how it hurts you and how it stops you from living your life, the life you want.......doesn't have to be.

You can still care for people that hate you. You will have to work harder to care for them......but it is possible.

Nelson Mandela did it. The dalai lama does it..........i've seen people on Oprah do it!



I know i'm never going to feel like i'm enough for someone. Because my idea of enough, is just unrealistic. I want to be everything they want times 10..........and that just isn't going to happen.

And that does, make me feel worthless. Because in my mind, if i am not everything.......then i might aswell be nothing.

But i've just got to embrace that idea, that i'll never be someone's everything. That as much as it pains me.......there'll always be the possiblity out there that they'll want someone else more.



Also.........don't kill yourself.

I say this, not for any moral reasons. It may be sad........but i don't really care if you do or don't as i don't know you.

But just from a logical/scientific standpoint............there is a possiblity that you'll just live this life over and over again.

A few philosophers have come to this conclusion..............also it's one of the main 2 competing theories about what happens to the universe.

Theory 1.......it just expands and keeps on expanding. (you die, and you're dead)

Theory 2..........eventually, the universe contracts. And then expands again. And does this over and over. (you live your life over and over)


So it's quite possible........that killing yourself, may be the dumbest thing a person could do.

Anyways.......you might want to google some scientific theories and look into it........before you do anything.

Why kill myself? What's the hurry? Does this really last forever? That's scary. Every other day I'm ready to throw all progress aside and kill myself. I don't because someday I'll be far from here. However, I know that someday is never gonna come. All I can do is make an effort to do the things I want to do. No matter what do, I'm empty. It's funny actually, like a cosmic joke. It actually gives me a good laugh.