New Relationship?

Hey all,

I was just wondering if anyone has some tips on how to deal with the start of a relationship or dating without getting overwhelmed and feeling the need to cling to the new interest in my life. I don't want to turn this into another one of my unstable love-fests.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Love -
Pea

Hey,
I'm currently desperately trying to save my relationship and put right what I have done wrong so might not be the best person
to answer having never been able to have a successful relationship myself but iin the last month I have done more thinking and
soul searching about this than u could imagine so hopefully might be able to help a little!

The first thing I would say (and I know this is so much easier to say than do) is try try try not to react to something straight away,
I know how hard it is and the feelings overwhelm you but try to tell yourself if its a real problem you can still address it later, you
are not ignoring the problem but tell yourself it is possible this is part of your illness you are not going to think about it for the next
hr/day etc, you are going to carry on enjoying what you are doing and not let this spoil it but you can settle yourself by telling
yourself u will deal with it at a certain point in the future, when it comes to that time hopefully u will feel calmer and will be able to
let it go. If you need to talk to someone (preferably someone who understands the condition or if you are anything like me
you will just end up seeking validation for your thoughts) or msg on here and see if anyone has an opinion that may be able to
help you put things in perspective. If you still think it is an issue that needs discussing try to plan what you are going to say and how
you are going to say it to stop emotions running away with you when it comes to the crunch. If he says sorry accept it, try your
your hardest not to push and push. If you need him to understand explain that is all you need and again accept it when he says he
does. As hard as it is try your hardest not to let things go on and on, I know you might be feeling awful but try to believe what he
says then do your hardest to carry on as normally as you can. I don't know if you have read Men are from Mars Women are from
venus but there is a really good chapter in there about how women just need validation- I think I used it to
my detriment because I used it to justify my feelings but maybe you could just show those few pages to him so you know he
understands what you need without having to go on and on about it yourself and scare him away.

A big issue for me is jealousy and neediness when he says he wants to go out with his friends and do things without me
I can't think of many things still that make me feel easy with this but CBT told me to just try try to think of the positives he has done
to show he cares and how much you mean to him, maybe try and tell yourself the time without you will make him miss you and want you
even more? I used to ask my boyfriend to messge me or call me when he was out so I knew everything was ok and he was thinking about
me which he did initially but then he found it to be putting pressure on him and making him feel smothered. I think I would
have been better not doing that and I think most of the time he would have messaged me anyway. Maybe when you are speaking to him
try to say something casually like 'well have nice time, let me know later/tomorrow how it was' so you hopefully won't have to worry as
much about when he will be contacting you again but it seems less pressure for him as you are doing it because you
are interested not because you are needy and keeping tabs on him.
I still have a huge issue with jealousy though so anyone that could offer advice on that would be great! Like I said I am
very new to trying to deal with these problems so if anyone disagrees with what I have said and thinks they are bad
ideas or has other thoughts pls say, I am open to any advice too!!
I hope maybe that may help a little bit or at least give u somethings to think about so you can work out
strategies for yourself. Really hope you are able to stop the patterns repeating, I can empathise with your feelings so much,
Good luck x x x

Well, this is all theoretical as i've yet to prove to myself it can be done.........

*that's a bit modest, I know i don't love the girl i'm currently in love with!



I don't think it's about surpressing the emotions.......as much as it is about understanding them.


Our conscious minds make up stories.........to narrate the emotions that our subconscious and lower conscious thoughts give us.


I might see a girl and think i like her because she's tall.........but it could be that i like her, because she has the same facial structure as my mother or a babysitter i had when i was really young.


That sort of narration, goes on all the time........ and the problem for us, is that we don't challenge it. Or atleast, don't challenge it enough.


So if you want to stop the love fest..........stop thinking it's love.

If you want to stop thinking someone is extra special..........stop thinking they are extra special.

Even though it feels like love and feels like they are extra special...........realise that they are not. That's just the easiest story to tell yourself.......*that's why we do it over and over


U will feel the need to cling.

You need to feel the need, to fight that. To understand it and have the courage to act however you THINK you should act, rather than how you FEEL you WANT to act about it.


But yeah....... it's coming. You will want to cling. Understand why that is.