Borderline for Life?

I've been reading, but not participating on this forum, for quite some time now. I'm a pretty shy person initially, as I'm sure many of you can relate. It's hard to open up, even online. I have been affected by BPD for as long as I can remember. I'd like to say my whole life but I'll never know for sure. I was exhibiting symptoms of the disorder since I was a child, but was never really professionally diagnosed until I was 11. I was reassessed and re-diagnosed when I was 19, and have been more active with treatment and therapy since then. I am now 23.

My intent isn't really to share my life story or hardships since I'm sure most of you have similar stories like mine and I really don't know I want to waste people's time with another sob story (I don't mean to imply that everyone who shares their experience is "sobbing," just that I feel my own personal experiences are unimportant, I have a pretty low self esteem). I do have some questions though that I haven't found an answer in all the years of researching and book-reading and psychologist sessions that maybe some of you might have more insight on.

First, how common is it for children to have Borderline? I know there's always a chance, but is it more common than people realize? More so, is it more common than people think to be born with it? Genetically, I mean. To be predisposed to the disorder and just start out life as a BPD sufferer? Most of the time you hear of people developing it later in life due to some trauma or abuse in their childhood. But considering genetics and brain chemistry both have a hand in BPD, could a child be born with it and live out their entire life with it? If so, is there ever chance of recovery for these individuals? Or do we have to deal with the symptoms for our entire lives but never be able to get to the root of the problem and heal?

Lastly I want to say that I have alot of respect for the regular posters here. Especially the ones who are openly suffering with BPD. You're all so educated and seemingly in-tune with yourselves like I can only hope to be some day. The most recent post with "Begrudged boyfriend of a BPD girlfriend" was what convinced me to join. I opened the thread expecting a wild fire of insults and screaming at the guy, but the maturity and empathy blew me away. I hope to learn alot from you, and I hope I can work up the nerve to start posting once in a while myself. I also hope those weren't too many questions, and that at least some can be answered

First, how common is it for children to have Borderline?

Unlikely under 10. In my opinion, the earliest signs would start to show themselves beginning with teen years. Even then there would be a reluctance by a psychologist/psychiatrist to dx someone that young with borderline, and would probably remain that way until the child reached at least 18.

I know there's always a chance, but is it more common than people realize?

I think I read somewhere that it's around 2% of the population. It may seem like more because lay people throw around the term and try and self diagnose people. Read through the forum you'll see a ton of "I THINK my gf/bf/best friend has bpd". A person is difficult and automatically they have bpd. Sometimes people are just difficult.

is it more common than people think to be born with it? Genetically, I mean.

No, people aren't born with it. Everything I've read, seen, and heard stems around childhood trauma and not feeling validated.

But considering genetics and brain chemistry both have a hand in BPD, could a child be born with it and live out their entire life with it?

I don't believe genetics or brain chemistry have anything to do with it, others may disagree. A child is not born with it. It is learned a behavior/coping system that is developed in childhood. Yup people can live their entire life with it.

If so, is there ever chance of recovery for these individuals?

I don't about recovery, but some have learned better ways to cope through dbt.

we have to deal with the symptoms for our entire lives but never be able to get to the root of the problem and heal?

I think the symptoms will always be there, however better coping skills might be achieved through dbt. (I don't start dbt until May so not really sure). The problem with getting at the root problem is it may involve a lot of incidents that happened over a long period of time. I'd love to know what exactly what happened to me, and when did I start developing this behavior. I can think of a lot of things, all them may have played a part or only some of them.

Those are my thoughts others may disagree.

Msbehave wrote:My intent isn't really to share my life story or hardships since I'm sure most of you have similar stories like mine and I really don't know I want to waste people's time with another sob story (I don't mean to imply that everyone who shares their experience is "sobbing," just that I feel my own personal experiences are unimportant, I have a pretty low self esteem).

you sound so much like me.. i do post(i was creeping for a long time first!) but spend an awful amount of time dwelling on my posts, feeling stupid and occasionally deleting them. i've been too 'my experiences aren't "bad/important" enough' to post a full "life story" either though.
but really, it might be good for you to get it all out, it could be really important for you - if there is a little part of you that would like to, you should. seriously, you are not wasting anyone's time.. but i know how that feels. (of course if you genuinely don't want to talk about it and don't think it'd help you then fair enough) (:

Msbehave wrote:More so, is it more common than people think to be born with it? Genetically, I mean. To be predisposed to the disorder and just start out life as a BPD sufferer? Most of the time you hear of people developing it later in life due to some trauma or abuse in their childhood. But considering genetics and brain chemistry both have a hand in BPD, could a child be born with it and live out their entire life with it?

in my (reasonably well-read) opinion you cannot be born borderline, however the majority of sufferers have a 'genetic predisposition' to it(or other disorders) and it's "unlocked" by a trauma/childhood experience/emotional invalidation etc. a lot of people have reported 'always felt different' or 'felt more than others' at a young age and research suggests that borderlines are born/biologically very emotionally sensitive. i think a misconception about borderline is that there needs to be some kind of abuse - i mean sexual/physical abuse at a young age is very common in borderlines but the 'trauma' isn't as clear cut as that...emotional abuse, invalidation, neglect and 'inconsistent parenting' are factors.

Msbehave wrote:is there ever chance of recovery for these individuals? Or do we have to deal with the symptoms for our entire lives but never be able to get to the root of the problem and heal?

i get scared of projecting my hopelessness out here so tend to stray away from the recovery topic for fear of my personal feelings getting in the way, however..
full recovery? i just don't think that's possible - i guess it's a bit like the alcoholic thing, they still say "i'm an alcoholic" - but they don't drink. if that makes sense. change/getting better is possible, probable even. self-harm, outbursts and impulsive behaviours are the most common to go with age/therapy. identity issues/stability and abandonment fears are more difficult to change. (again, don't take any of this as fact - but from what i know/have read)
getting to the root of the problem is possible, and important. i've been doing cognitive analytic therapy, it's turned out to be a disaster but the initial sessions were incredibly valuable - we really went into my childhood and i remembered/realized so much stuff that i never considered before - (i used to think all my problems started at 12). i'm a very self-analysing person anyway though, it can be harder for others, but so important the get to the root of the problem. i feel, and i think many others do, that i understand exactly where things have come from.....the really hard bit is when you know exactly what you're doing, and part of you knows that you're being irrational, and you really want to change.
i'm rambling, sorry - but i believe that it's incredible hard to change how you feel, but much easier change your behaviour - or to act on the emotion/feeling. i hope this doesn't sound defeatest. perhaps that is the first step - i've only been diagnosed and getting help for a year, and i think now i understand myself and BPD a lot of changes have been made. i like this quote:

"Nobody realises that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal" - Albert Camus.

maybe over time it's less exhausting.

Msbehave wrote:You're all so educated and seemingly in-tune with yourselves like I can only hope to be some day.

i didn't notice this until after i wrote the above. trust me, you absolutely will - and it will be sooner than you think. but like i said before..knowing is not enough..for me that was the most difficult time, the frustration of suddenly knowing EXACTLY what i was doing, how irrational i was about situations for example - and yet completely unable to act on that knowledge/rationality, so - if you experience that, don't give up, keep going - that's the start of the journey.....

Msbehave wrote:I opened the thread expecting a wild fire of insults and screaming at the guy, but the maturity and empathy blew me away.

it brings me so much hope (of being in a real relationship one day) when i see posts from people who are really trying to understand, and it's just...so.. lovely to see how far some people are pushed, and yet they still love and care. but you will come across nasty posts sometimes - sometimes ugly truths you don't want to hear but also the occasional ignorant and cruel posts, it can be hard to not let them get to you.

Msbehave wrote:I hope I can work up the nerve to start posting once in a while myself.

please do (:

Msbehave wrote:I also hope those weren't too many questions

- you sound so much like me it's unreal. please try not to worry!

peachplumpear wrote:

Msbehave wrote:My intent isn't really to share my life story or hardships since I'm sure most of you have similar stories like mine and I really don't know I want to waste people's time with another sob story (I don't mean to imply that everyone who shares their experience is "sobbing," just that I feel my own personal experiences are unimportant, I have a pretty low self esteem).

you sound so much like me.. i do post(i was creeping for a long time first!) but spend an awful amount of time dwelling on my posts, feeling stupid and occasionally deleting them. i've been too 'my experiences aren't "bad/important" enough' to post a full "life story" either though.
but really, it might be good for you to get it all out, it could be really important for you - if there is a little part of you that would like to, you should. seriously, you are not wasting anyone's time.. but i know how that feels. (of course if you genuinely don't want to talk about it and don't think it'd help you then fair enough) (:

I guess I can oblige. What better place to talk about it than here? I'm always worried I'll be judged or made fun of when I talk about my problems, but I get the impression this might be a safe place try it

I came from a very abusive home. My parents fought constantly, to the point of physical and emotional abuse. They got a divorce when i was 5 months old. My mom had to go into hiding for the first year of my life from my father until he eventually "calmed down" as she described it. There was some apparent sexual abuse from my father when I was 1 all the way til supposedly 6 years old, but I don't remember any of it so we'll never know. She's shown me documentation of doctor visits, "Good touch Bad touch" certificates that I signed in my little 4 year old handwriting, etc. My father was a very emotionally absent father, and more often than not he wasn't involved in my life at all for the first 10 years.

My mom blamed everything on me when I was growing up. From my own behavior, my reaction to things, her boyfriends breaking up with her, and even things that people would accuse me of doing but were not my fault. She took everyone's side but mine. She would never listen to anything I said, even if it was the truth. I'd be punished for things that weren't my fault (say my friend broke one of their toys when I was playing with them, and their parents said I did it). I would always be punished when I did something wrong (naturally) but when I would do something right, I would receive no praise or acknowledgement of any kind. If I asked for it, my mom would say "Why? It's what's expected of you." My mom eventually started physically abusing me. She would either say I asked for it, or she would deny it happened at all. She was also a very hysterical and untrusting person, because of her own past. She passed these behaviors on to me.

When I was 9 I lost my first "best friend." I apparently got so depressed that I started threatening to kill myself because she rejected every attempt I made to try to change her mind and win her back. I don't know why she stopped talking to me, only that I couldn't handle it. That was when I first started seeing mental health professionals. My family doctor thought I had bipolar and misinformed me of her assumptions. All through highschool I went along with the impression that I had that diagnosis. I later found out through reading a court hearing between my mom and my dad back in 2008 over something unrelated, that a doctor had diagnosed me with BPD when I was 11. I went my whole adolescence under false pretenses.

Of course during my adolescence, I was your typical crazy teenager. I fought with my mom, I drank and experimented with drugs. I was kicked out of my house several times. Sometimes they were just overnight, a police officer would take me to the local emergency for a few hours until "I calmed down enough to go home." Other times they were for months on end. I've lived with my grandparents, my father, my aunt. I never really had a stable upbringing, emotionally or otherwise. To this day I'm in constant fear of losing my home, losing my loved ones, being rejected, abandoned. I feel inadequate, empty, angry. Every criteria for having BPD, I meet.

I don't mean to blame everything that happened to produce what I am now on my mother. I know I was probably predisposed because of the personality traits both my parents gave to me, among other things. But I know they had alot to with it. To this day my mom will flip flop between denying any blame she has, admitting and accepting the blame, and pushing the blame on me. I'm in a constant state of confusion when it comes to our relationship.

thanks for sharing msbehave, hope it helped you somewhat to write it down?

i'm so sorry to hear about your childhood... where are you now? my i ask how old you are, are you at school/work, do you live with your parent/s?
what's life like at the moment, what would you say are your biggest problems?
also how much have you shared with your mum about your bpd, feelings about your childhood etc. - can you talk to her?

sorry for all the questions! i won't be offended if you don't want to answer (:

Msbehave wrote:When I was 9 I lost my first "best friend." I apparently got so depressed that I started threatening to kill myself because she rejected every attempt I made to try to change her mind and win her back. I don't know why she stopped talking to me, only that I couldn't handle it.

I can relate to this - my childhood/teenage years are plagued with losing friends...
you say you started getting help young, was that through school/doctors or did your parents make the first move?

Msbehave wrote:I later found out through reading a court hearing between my mom and my dad back in 2008 over something unrelated, that a doctor had diagnosed me with BPD when I was 11. I went my whole adolescence under false pretenses.

did they let you read the court hearing? what had your parents told you?
i'm interested in how your parents negotiated your problems as a child.

peachplumpear wrote:

Msbehave wrote:When I was 9 I lost my first "best friend." I apparently got so depressed that I started threatening to kill myself because she rejected every attempt I made to try to change her mind and win her back. I don't know why she stopped talking to me, only that I couldn't handle it.

I can relate to this - my childhood/teenage years are plagued with losing friends...
you say you started getting help young, was that through school/doctors or did your parents make the first move?

My parents first did. The schools had their involvement more in junior high. I had an assigned social worker and the counselor at my junior high would pull me out of class for regular checkups to see how I was holding up during the day. When I went at 9, I remember sitting in the room and not wanting to talk to the lady there because I didn't trust her and why should I? Who is she? She's not my mommy. So they gave up, saying I was just a normal kid because I wouldn't tell them anything.

peachplumpear wrote:

Msbehave wrote:I later found out through reading a court hearing between my mom and my dad back in 2008 over something unrelated, that a doctor had diagnosed me with BPD when I was 11. I went my whole adolescence under false pretenses.

did they let you read the court hearing? what had your parents told you?
i'm interested in how your parents negotiated your problems as a child.

My mom let me read the court hearing. My parents hadn't told me anything when I was growing up, the idea that I had bipolar came from my family doctor alone. When I read the court hearing, my mom claimed she did know that whole time but her and the doctors wanted to keep it from me in hopes I'd grow up better without knowing. Which didn't happen. I went my whole adolescence wondering what was wrong with me and acting out because I was so frustrated that I didn't know, just that people hated me for it. My dad thought my bad behavior was my mom's fault. My mom would always throw insults at like how "I'm so much like my father," and my dad again would blame everything on how my mom raised me. My mom recognizes now that I truly have this disorder, and has tried her best to educate herself on it (buying self help books on BPD, reading articles online, asking doctors,) but my dad still doesn't believe there's anything wrong with me. He's said many times, that he thinks it's all in my head and all just because my mom raised me this way and it's her fault, not mine. I can't really go to him for anything because of this, he's in total denial and that makes it almost impossible for me express myself to him at all.

Was diagnosed when I was 17. Far as I can tell I have had this since early teen years. It sort of went into remission or didnt effect me much until a few months ago. Man it came on strong, its very scary! I am trying to find a counselor, I doubt the "system" will be of much help. My goal is to get better insurance so I can find a private counselor who deals specifically with BPD, or I will be forced to do it on my own as I have done before. Normal counselors do not understand & like my dad says, its in your head which pisses me off even more!

cboxpalace wrote:

First, how common is it for children to have Borderline?

Unlikely under 10. In my opinion, the earliest signs would start to show themselves beginning with teen years. Even then there would be a reluctance by a psychologist/psychiatrist to dx someone that young with borderline, and would probably remain that way until the child reached at least 18.

I showed BPD behavior as early as 8 years old. My parents saw that something was wrong, and took me to see some therapists, but unfortunately I was not diagnosed correctly. I'm not sure if that was because they were reluctant to diagnose BPD in a child, or whether they just didn't understand what was going on.