Dissociative Symptoms

So, I've recently been experiencing something a little similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder. I feel like I have an alter. In the past week it started to build.

I have always admired my roommate I met at the psychiatric hospital. So much so that I became obsessed with her. Well, now I feel like she is inside of me, forcing me to become anorexic. I almost feel her crawling on my spine. I ended up carving her name into my arm, her name is Kerry. Through therapy I even discovered that I had created a false memory of her undressing in front of me. It didn't really happen but I held this false memory for months believing it did. I almost dyed my hair red when I felt her possessing me. When I feel as though she's inside of me, I sit up straighter with good posture like she did, I don't eat to become anorexic like her, I speak in a more emotionless voice. It's odd.

She had such composure. That's what I emulated her for. She was a pure type I Bipolar. She had a psychotic break but she had such composure it was astounding. It seems like she's taking over and becoming some sort of alter. My therapist even mentioned maybe me going back to the psychiatric clinic if this gets worse.

Is this normal for someone with BPD to experience?

I've had a few episodes like this throughout the last few years. I had one about 2 months ago. When I worked when I was 16, I worked with a girl named Christina.We weren't close or even good friends or anything. I admired her style and how quiet and hard working she was... something I could never be. She was married when she was 18 and seemed to have such a stable life. So now.. 8 years later I started thinking about her. I tried to find her online but couldn't because I can't remember her last name. I probably spent 48 hours trying to look for her online. Ugh! Before I knew it, I was acting like her. Talking the way she did, taking on her style and even pretending I was married. It was almost like my BPD and all of it's symptoms went away for 2-3 weeks. I was happy and symptom free. When I'd picture myself in my head, I did not see my own face. I saw Christina's face. I even found myself wishing that people would call me Christina.

This eventually faded away and I became me again.. Yippee... NOT! Why can't I be Christina? I was so happy being her for a little while. I think others actually enjoyed being around me while I was her.

I understand what you're going through. Please don't carve her name into your arm again or starve yourself. Trust me, I know that's easier said than done. Dying your hair would have been a less destructive option. Best of luck to you Monroe! <3

Its nice to know that someone else has experienced the same kind of symptoms. It makes me feel a whole lot better to know I'm not some rare nutcase.

I thought maybe this was a dissociative symptom but my therapist tends to use the word psychotic. Hmm... not the most reassuring haha.

Haha yea saying psychotic doesn't make me feel any better either lol! If these feelings haven't passed yet, I believe they will soon. Everyone is different but it was only a matter of weeks for me and then I was back to my normal insane self.

I have found that writing therapy is good for this, it has helped me quite a bit over this past week. I've been writing about her in different ways. Poems, narrative of what happened and what I thought about her, and fiction as well. I'm still doing it, but I find it helps her get off my spine a little bit.

But yeah, I read that with Borderline, psychotic or dissociative symptoms are usually brief not chronic. So, I do have hope that I'll feel normal again soon, I'll just keep doing my writing therapy.

Ooohh writing about her sounds like fun! I might try that too. It would be interesting to write a fictional story about what I think she would be doing now. Thanks for the idea!

I'm bringing up this topic because I did a lot of writing therapy about Kerry. I thought I'd share two of the poems I wrote. Let me know what you guys think. And remember, I'm ######6 in love with the memory of this woman.

*removed*

MMonroe, these are beautiful! I'm in love with the second one. You have some serious talent!

I can't say I've ever met anyone that I wanted to be but I did have imaginary friends that lived in my head. It started with one person. A more feminine, more empathetic, more emotionally intact, gentler, all around better person than I was. She gave me advice and helped me stay out of trouble. It got weird after that. For awhile I wondered if they were real but that's just silly. I still think I was just a very, very bored kid and that having them around became habit.

Thanks Kanin. <3

Did you invent that imaginary friend with those traits because you didn't have those traits in yourself? But you wanted them to be in you? Because I think thats why I'm latching onto this person & trying to imitate her.

Aye, that's the base of it. She's very much the opposite of myself. An internal complementary. Together we made a well-rounded, almost universally tolerant individual at least until she "gained a mind of her own", if you will. She no longer needed my prodding or prompts to pitch in. I think of it like when I'm writing and a character seems to dictate their own lines and write their own plot. That's not the truth, obviously, because she's still imaginary.