Dating with abandonment issues: I'm scared to be alone

I have a form of HPD w/ Borderline tendencies. I had a suicide attempt following a breakup about 7 months ago. I really want to meet someone - I want a partner in my life, just like everyone does. So I've been doing this Match.com thing and it's been so frustrating for me. The multi-dating is stressful. I feel like I can only date one person at a time. I met a guy last week that I really liked and we did a lot of kissing etc. and had two beautiful dates. He sent me sweet texts and messaged me all the time for several days, and then it just sort of dropped off suddenly. I got a text last night saying he was busy working all day so couldn't answer the two texts I had sent him, but then I went on Match and noticed he had totally revamped his profile - rewritten everything and changed a lot of the pictures (I had told him he didn't photograph well). I really liked him - had been on some awkward dates before and this one seemed kind of special.

Well I couldn't handle it - my abandonment issues are huge apparently and I overreacted and sent him a text saying I didn't want to see him anymore. Then I sat down and cried for like a half hour over a guy I'd known for a week! Wtf? Why is this such a big deal for me? How am I supposed to date when I have these huge abandonment issues? What's going to happen with the next one? I feel like I'm giving off a "crazy" vibe or something. I'm successful, attractive, confident most of the time, but I don't know how I'm ever going to meet someone new if I'm such a mess.

I think the suicide attempt made my abandonment issues just worse. I've been in therapy, am taking meds and have been feeling really strong. I just had this "freak out" today. This guy acted like he really liked me, we did a lot of kissing and he said he wanted to see me this weekend, but then I didn't hear a word from him. Is it me? Is it them?

It just all seems so awful. I just want a lover. I want a healthy relationship, but how am I ever going to have one until I get over this?

Sorry for the hyperbole. I'm so upset tonight.

You shouldn't beat yourself up over it. I don't think it's you. Anyone, abandonment issues or not, would be confused if a person just dropped off like that without warning. Maybe he's just not a monogamous type of guy and felt like you were coming on too strong? I think you should at least ask him what's up before ending it completely.

In general, I find that online dating sucks. I have tried it, and the men I meet online either have issues or are just trying to date/sleep with as many women at one time as possible. I have yet to meet someone online who seems to be a genuinely nice guy. Just my two cents (maybe I'm just jaded).

But, aside from that, I understand why you freaked out. He came on strong and then suddenly stopped being responsive. I can't tell you how many times I have experienced the same behavior from various men and how anxious it makes me every time it happens. So you're not alone there.

It's up to you, but I would just let things go. I know this is bothering you, but I find it really odd that he went AWOL on you and then completely revamped his profile to make himself appear more attractive on several levels. It seems like he is insecure/has low self-esteem, which you don't need to be dealing with. You need to be working on yourself, not worrying about this guy's issues.

How am I supposed to date when I have these huge abandonment issues?

I ask myself this question all the time. And the answer, sadly, is that I can't date. It sucks, and it's lonely, but in any relationship these issues arise, and I'm tired of letting them get in the way of things. So for now I'm working on me. I go to therapy, take medication, meditate, practice my DBT techniques, etc. I would say work on yourself and try not to worry about finding someone (I know it's hard, and I know you are lonely). But I truly believe that if you work on bettering yourself, someone will come along when you least expect and maybe then you'll be ready for them.

I ask myself the same question everyday...

You want to be careful not to HPD/BPD your relationships. And when you do HPD/BPD your relationships, realise the person you are crying over is yourself.


You aren't crying over what some guy you've known for one week thinks of you............you're crying over what he "could" think, makes you feel. Because you're using what he "could" think, as a substitute for thinking for yourself.

It's impossible? Nearly impossible? Very hard atleast..............but we've got to learn to quite making relationships more intimate than they actually are. And to learn, to quit defining ourselves by the pretend aspects of these relationships.


If you do have HPD.........i'm sure you probably are giving off the crazy vibe. It's probably harder for women with HPD, in a sense............because men are generally not looking for romance and connection within the first 30 seconds of meeting someone..........

This guy acted like he really liked me

You're acting too.

It's very important..........you realise that. You don't like this guy, an 1/8th of what you think you do.
I know in our disordered heads............it feels like..............but those are just feelings, that cause more harm than good and come from unrealistic places.



I will say this........virtually every guy is going to make you feel like they like you. Guys lie. Especially if you are attractive........that's just going to happen.

So you should write that down like 10 different places........make it your screen saver and possibly tattoo it backwards on your forehead so you can read it as you brush your teeth and put your make up on.


Being an attractive man, it's hard enough. I can't tell you how many women "like me" until they get to know me.
And having HPD traits, it's horrible when you realise that they didn't really like you at all. (worse still, when you don't realise you never really liked them)


I actually had an ex-gf say to me.........(when i asked what she missed most about me)......."your face".

That was flattering for about 2 minutes.........until i realised what it meant.


Anyways.........it's 10 times worse with men. Until you've been with a guy for a year, don't even think about it without skepticism.

I'm serious, a year. And the less attractive the guy.........the more skeptical you should be about what he "likes" about you.

I just want a lover................., but how am I ever going to have one until I get over this?

This is our problem. That is backwards.

We should just want to get over this.............first. Then the other thing.


I'm the same way..........i just want a relationship. The "perfect" relationship.............and everything else, is really just stuff i have to do to get one. (in my mind)

I shouldn't think that way...........i should have goals and ambitions and all sorts of other stuff that matters nearly as much or more............but emotionally, it just doesn't. And that's a problem.

Twistedmister wrote:You want to be careful not to HPD/BPD your relationships. And when you do HPD/BPD your relationships, realise the person you are crying over is yourself.


You aren't crying over what some guy you've known for one week thinks of you............you're crying over what he "could" think, makes you feel. Because you're using what he "could" think, as a substitute for thinking for yourself.

It's impossible? Nearly impossible? Very hard atleast..............but we've got to learn to quite making relationships more intimate than they actually are. And to learn, to quit defining ourselves by the pretend aspects of these relationships.


If you do have HPD.........i'm sure you probably are giving off the crazy vibe. It's probably harder for women with HPD, in a sense............because men are generally not looking for romance and connection within the first 30 seconds of meeting someone..........

This guy acted like he really liked me

You're acting too.

It's very important..........you realise that. You don't like this guy, an 1/8th of what you think you do.
I know in our disordered heads............it feels like..............but those are just feelings, that cause more harm than good and come from unrealistic places.



I will say this........virtually every guy is going to make you feel like they like you. Guys lie. Especially if you are attractive........that's just going to happen.

So you should write that down like 10 different places........make it your screen saver and possibly tattoo it backwards on your forehead so you can read it as you brush your teeth and put your make up on.


Being an attractive man, it's hard enough. I can't tell you how many women "like me" until they get to know me.
And having HPD traits, it's horrible when you realise that they didn't really like you at all. (worse still, when you don't realise you never really liked them)


I actually had an ex-gf say to me.........(when i asked what she missed most about me)......."your face".

That was flattering for about 2 minutes.........until i realised what it meant.


Anyways.........it's 10 times worse with men. Until you've been with a guy for a year, don't even think about it without skepticism.

I'm serious, a year. And the less attractive the guy.........the more skeptical you should be about what he "likes" about you.

I just want a lover................., but how am I ever going to have one until I get over this?

This is our problem. That is backwards.

We should just want to get over this.............first. Then the other thing.


I'm the same way..........i just want a relationship. The "perfect" relationship.............and everything else, is really just stuff i have to do to get one. (in my mind)

I shouldn't think that way...........i should have goals and ambitions and all sorts of other stuff that matters nearly as much or more............but emotionally, it just doesn't. And that's a problem.

Some people really do like eachother. It's just healthy people.

Twisted - thank you for the advice. You are amazing. You are right that I was making the relationship too intimate. And I need to remember that my disorder requires that I work hard to be "reserved," particularly on the first few dates, whereas nons would probably call such behavior "game-playing." Everyone is like "be yourself on dates." Well, I can be myself to an extent, but I need to be careful not to be my disordered self. And I think you have a good point about men. They do lie - not only that, but they tell you everything you want to hear. This guy brought me to his workplace, took me on a tour of his office, and then introduced me to all his colleagues for ciol. Then 2 days later he was out the door.

Cat - I took your advice and asked him what the heck was up. He was like "I've been thinking about it and I think we want different things" (i.e. he wants a relationship with someone who later wants to get married and have kids. I've been married, have kids, and don't want to get married again. The thing was, the guy knew all this on the first date, but then all of the sudden "we want different things." Whatevah.

I have another date Saturday with a guy I really like, and I'm going to be careful and reserved until I get to know him.
It's tough. I miss my ex - he was a narcissist a s s, but at least he was comfortable (most of the time).

Thanks so much.

Sorry I got cat and neo mixed up.

Just got an email from my Saturday night date who says we'd be "wasting each other's time" since I told him I didn't want to get married or live with anyone.

Thank god I don't have anything to do today because now I'm in bed crying like an idiot. Am I going to have to be alone for the rest of my life because I'm a basket case? Wtf? I'm an attractive, successful woman.

I miss my ex. No more dating. I took myself off Match. This sh it is really bad for me.

I do pretty much the same as you. Something will trigger me, and then I say "maybe we shouldn't see one another" and that's the end of it. The pattern is ALWAYS the same. Later, I always end up regretting it, but by then it's too late. I know my behavior, but I can't stop it.

I'm not dating anyone at the moment which is probably a good thing, because I'll be starting a dbt class in May which will end up costing me $300.00/month.

I like online dating, but my experience with it is many people seem to want these perfect/ideal relationships, and I'm not sure those exist this day and age. If they do there certainly hard to come by. More men are taking an active roles in their kids lives with either full/shared custody, more women are focussed on careers, people are having younger kids later in life, people having to work more. I'm a 42 year old guy, shared custody, and my kids are 8 and 10. It's incredibly hard with my circumstances.

I hate not being married anymore, especially since I was married for 10 years. I'm beginning to believe though I'll remain single for the rest of my life..

Twisted - You are amazing.

That's what my tattoo says.


Sorry to hear your saturday date cancelled. And i'm even more sorry to hear that you're finding this s**t too hard.


Maybe if you focus on yourself a bit more.......in a few months you'll be better equipped to survive this kind of thing. And maybe in a few years you'll get past surviving and into thriving.

If you work on yourself........you won't end up alone.


I got to ask.......why are you telling people you don't want to live with anyone?

I certainly understand not wanting to get married...........but if you're telling people you won't ever live with them aswell........that's sort of shrinking the pool quite a bit. (leaving only other basket cases! lol)

Is your single habitation dream, just like something you see yourself doing in the short term?
Do other people understand that? (this seems like it could be self-defeating behaviour)