from the beginning to the end. please help a non.

I'm going to try not to hit you all with a wall of text, but I need serious input here. I'm hurting, and hurting badly.


I met her at a pool party, mid-summer, late June 2010. She was this gorgeous, striking blonde. We hit it off immediately, she disappeared. A week later, facebook messages fly, we meet up to go to happy hour. Happy hour turns into getting absolutely smashed, we're making out at the bar, and we end up on the couch at my place. She initiates sex, but I try to take the high road and say we probably shouldn't - after all, I did think she was pretty awesome based on our interactions so far. But I am a guy, and we end up fooling around - not quite sex, but it may as well have been.

The next couple weeks were insane - she was so into me, like no woman had ever been. She just wanted to lay in bed and stare at me. We didn't even go on dates, we just spent tons of time together. It was pure bliss.

The first warning sign was when she took a girl's trip out of town for the 4th of July. I remember I was out with friends that day and kept getting incessant calls from her; she was obviously drunk. She was saying weird stuff about how much she liked me, etc. I can't quite put a finger on it now, but it was strange (but flattering) in a way that made me uncomfortable, but I just took it at its "drunk" face value.

My last relationship was with a girl who cheated on me - needless to say, it ended badly. She shared stories with me about her ex that were almost unbelieveable - he was a horrible person who took her to Europe on a trip and cheated on her while they were there. He tapped her phone. He screamed and yelled, etc. She made me feel like I was her world because I was so different. She knew I'd never hurt her because of the pain I'd experienced with my ex.

She was always in a state of flux - she'd get in a car accident, she always seemed to be sick in some way, she smoked, she drank too much (I'm a health nut) and I gave her advice not to, but she never seemed to hear me.

However, around this time, I was seriously thinking about moving. I had just sold my car, and was literally packing my stuff, about to travel a bit, take time off. She seemed totally okay with this despite the fact she also seemed so involved...it didn't add up. But I appreciated it, because times with her were so amazing...and well...the sex...was unreal. So I just thought if it was meant to be, it was meant to be - we'd be together when I got my life figured out, and she loved that.

Then she started insisting I borrow her car, sleep at her place 5+ nights a week, etc. The convenience factor while I got my new plan of action in place made those things really helpful. I could do without, but it was nice. Then I began to notice she was taking up so much of my time, I literally had no time to plan my travels/new job/move etc. I was kind of stuck in a lull in which she was taking advantage of 99% of my time. But I liked it...looking bad, I fed right into it. I remember spending solid hours with her on the phone with her calming her down because of work problems. She used phrases like "you're a Godsend, what would I do without you?"

I don't remember when it exactly happened during the relationship, but at one point I remember it was a hot night and everyone had come home from being out on the town, and we got in the pool, naked. At that point everyone else was asleep, and we made love everywhere. Diving board, in the pool, on the deck, it was phenomenal. Easily top 5 sexual experiences I've ever had. We took a cab home as the sun rose and she cried a little bit without explanation, and we spend the entire next day together in her bed.

Then it began. She started pulling away, being distant. She took a trip to Europe with her friends and didn't contact me the entire time. I read between the lines - it was the beginning of the end. I met up with a friend for lunch (female) along with another friend of mine (male) one day when she was back in town. She found out.

The fallout was more intense than anything I'd ever imagined. Crying, yelling, accusatory remarks. She was talking about how horrible "this town" was and how she needed to move away. She lumped me in with the worst individuals she'd ever come in contact with. I took all the responsibility even though it was totally misinterpreted and I had no bad intentions, as it seemed like it was over - and frankly, I thought she was a bit jealous and over dramatic and just didn't need that in my life.

A week went by. I was sad. Moving on with my life, figuring it all out. Suddenly she's back stronger than ever, but saying things like "I just need you to rebuild trust", etc. I started ignoring calls from my friends who were girls. I policed my facebook wall for anything that could be misconstrued as flirting. It was no way to live, but it felt like I needed to do it for her since she seemed to have been hurt so bad -- after all, I had too, and understood that pain.

Months went by. I was so happy with her. I began looking for a job and bought a car again. Suddenly life with her seemed like a possibility, we got along great. She was so happy to see me whenever I showed up, it was like her eyes lit up.

The next phase was so jarring my friends and family expressed their concern for my well-being. Prior to Christmas, she let it slip that she had gotten me something "really nice" since I had bought her a great birthday gift in the month prior. Tis the season, and I really started finding myself wanting to be around her more, enjoy the joyous time together, whatever.

Suddenly, 3 days before Christmas, she showed up at my house crying. She said she couldn't give me what I wanted and she had to let me go. We both got pretty emotional and I said "if you walk out the door I won't come after you...I don't understand why you want this"...and she walked out.

To say I was crushed didn't begin to describe how I felt. I flew home, visited family, and basically drank myself into a stupor for a week. On Christmas, I received a text message from her saying she was extremely ill and vomiting, and her Christmas had been awful as well. I was so overjoyed to speak with her, I tried to soothe her via text. But we still needed time apart. It seemed like it was over.

New Years Eve, 2011. I took a trip to a ski resort with my friends, about 6 hours away from where I lived. Big party, girls, guys, a cabin, drinking. Great time. A few people asked where my "girlfriend" was - I was relatively moody and somewhat depressed, but tried to enjoy myself. Just prior to midnight I lost it and texted her referencing that night in the pool...for some reason the thought surfaced. She ignored it. I was destroyed.

Woke up on New Years Day, feeling like I needed to get my act together. While hiking the slopes, I felt my cell phone vibrate. It was her. She was already 2 hours into the 6 hour journey to come meet up with us at the cabin. I was floored. My entire demeanor changed. We all were in the lodge when she walked in; and my friends were blown away that she showed up - the entire trip I had been melancholy and we were supposedly "done", and in she walks like nothing had ever happened.

The relationship progressed. This is the point where I feel mostly at fault. I began to really show her that I was serious about her. I was completely transparent about everything I did so she wouldn't be jealous or suspicious. We talked about traveling the world together, moving, etc. It was such an exciting time. Then things got weird.

She got really drunk one night and said she loved me. It was so insincere it made me sick. Then we were having crazy sex later and she told me to tell her I loved her, and got angry when I basically didn't yell it. The drinking got worse. Almost every time she got more than 3-4 drinks in her she'd black out and just be mean-spirited the entire time, only to try and make it up tenfold the following day. Once she took me to a football game and made me dinner because she ruined one of my nights so badly. She'd always insist she didn't remember, like it was an excuse.

I got a new job, one that I really really wanted - she didn't really seem happy for me. In fact it was strange, now that I didn't have a ton of free time, she seemed really annoyed with me. She broke up with me days before I started. I was furious this time. I spent a solid week of training trying not to think about her, confused and consumed by anger. I had taken all these steps, and now it was all worthless. I had to tell my manager why I was so distant and out of it every day.

But like clockwork, that weekend, she called me out of the blue. She was stranded out with some friends across town, and wondered if I could come by and meet up...I weakened, I wanted to see her. When I met up with her she was more affectionate than she'd ever been. It was like someone dropped me on my head, I had no idea that was what would happen. She refused to be apart for the next couple days - I spent the night at her house, packed my stuff, and went to work every day.

During this time, she got really angry at my roommate (landlord) who she used to love. She criticized him for being a bad landlord, messy, egotistical, and other things that weren't even generally related to me living with him. It got to the point where I was starting to dislike him...and I don't know why now. I found myself irritable much of the time, like I was sharing her temperament. My day to day life was a barrage of stress that I now can attribute to ideas she'd planted in my head - and I bought into all of them.

Valentines day came and went, I took her out on the town, bought her flowers, and did everything I could to make her happy. She got me a card and some chocolates, and talked about how she felt ill most of the night. It wasn't a bust, we had a great time, but I figured most girls would be on Cloud Nine, not reacting with indifference. All joking aside, it genuinely scared me - what did I have to do to make her see what I had done/was doing for her?

Then it came. I was nearing the point of exhaustion anyway and was really starting to question where it was all going. But I was already so involved, it was a question of weighing it all out. I'll never forget this week of my life - I can recite it day by day: one of her (male) friends had come into town. She had mentioned him a couple times, he had been on TV, a reality star, a C-list celebrity. I hated the fact she returned his texts and told her this, and she insisted that they were both friends. I told her I didn't feel comfortable with him. She insisted that she'd meet him for a drink, and call me afterward or come by my house to make it up to me.

She didn't end up meeting up with him that night, and I was overjoyed about that. I hated to think my girl was hanging out with a guy like that, even if it was in the presence of all her friends. She had a flight out of town that Friday to see her family, and had to leave early (4am) from her house to try and make it to the airport in time. So I showed up at her house on Thursday night, bag in hand, and said I wanted to see her the last night she was in town before she left for the weekend. But she'd already made plans to go out and introduce her friends to this guy.

Right then and there, I told myself that if she really did this, the relationship was going to be seriously in question. I planned on talking to her about the situation and setting some boundaries -- after all, I'd respected them for her. I went to bed angrier than I've ever been Thursday night.

My phone rang at 3am. It was her. I barely woke up in time to miss the call. It rang again at 3:10. I woke up enough to process the fact that she probably was calling because she needed a ride to the airport. This made me even more angry, so I went back to bed and figured she could deal with the situation since she'd blown me off earlier.

I was in at work the next morning bright and early at 7am when I get the call. She blacked out, didn't know what happened. Woke up alone in her house, missed her flight. She was hysterical to say the least. She managed to get a later flight out that day (a rather expensive mistake), and we didn't talk until Sunday morning.

Sunday morning: I get the call, she's already in tears. She tells me that she had gotten a text from the guy from that night and he said they had had sex. She doesn't remember anything, and insists that something had been slipped in her drink. Then she switched gears to say that he potentially was lying, after all, she did call me at 3am, and he obviously wasn't there, and he wasn't when she woke up. A million different scenarios went through my head.

In the end, my thoughts stayed steadfast: she got in a cab with the guy solo and under her own power (this was confirmed by her friends), and that was enough to end the relationship. But to this day, she insists she is the victim of a really heinous crime. She says this guy drugged her and took advantage of her. She says she's disgusted by men, she seems like she's in a horrible place.

My first reaction was absolute devastation and anger. My second was pity and hatred for the man involved who potentially caused the situation.

Then, at the advise of a close friend, I was told to look closely at the DSM-IV and BPD in particular.

Here I am. From meeting her to now, about 9 months.

My question to you, my friends: where do I go from here?

I have never been so hurt in my life.

Whooaa.. quite a lot to take in here.

Cutting to the chase though, you need some time out of this destructive relationship.

You need to get control of yourself and your life again, and if you stay with her, you won't do that.

BPD ?? Who knows, but a professional.

You really need to take care of YOU for once and I think you're aware of what you need to do......

good luck

BPD we sure have game don't we?

crimsonandclover wrote:BPD we sure have game don't we?

crimsonandclover wrote:BPD we sure have game don't we?

wow. guess I shouldn't have come here for any help. My goal was to understand if anything on her side was real, genuine, or just some big game. Definitely in the trenches right now, don't especially need input like this.

Best of luck to all, I know that this has been an extremely difficult time for me, and I can only begin to imagine what life with BPD can be. Mods feel free to delete the thread if you'd like.

From one Non to another:

One thing that I have learned is that we are not equipped to help someone who suffers from BPD. This is a very serious condition that should be left to the expert therapists. It's very honorable that you are willing to help, but the best thing you can do is be supportive should they seek help from a therapist. Should they decide they don't want help, I would say it's best to move on. Things won't change unless they want to change. It's time to protect yourself, and move on. Seek out a therapist if you need help. I did and I have been seeing a therapist over this for 8 months now. I'm doing much better because of the therapist.

Do forgive her as I'm sure down deep she isn't in a happy place either. Hope for the best for the two of you.

Wow. I could write a reply as long as your original post, but this isn't the proper venue because: It doesn't matter whether she has BPD, and this is a BPD forum. I dated a guy with mental health issues, some of which strongly resembled aspects of BPD, and he didn't do ANY of the stuff this woman did.

This is where you go from here: Block her number on your cell, landline, and work. Tell all your friends you're done with her and are no longer on speaking terms. Read all the books on codependency and boundaries and sex/fantasy addiction that you can find. Think about the role of alcohol in your life and relationships. Throw yourself into your work and make up for the time lost to spacing out over this woman. Reconnect with your sober friends. Take those trips that she magically prevented. Ask your MD for a referral to a therapist. Did she leave any stuff at your house? Donate it to charity. Delete her from all social networks.

Make a list of your must-haves and your deal-breakers in a relationship. For example, mine are: can hold a meaningful conversation; doesn't use alcohol or sex as an escape/crutch/avoidance/make-up; has some friends who are good people, and who will say that he is a good person in return. BPD is not a deal-breaker for me. Behavior is.

I'm really sorry you're hurting, but this a tough-love post, so: Nowhere did you say anything positive about her except that the sex was hot and she provided an element of excitement.

I feel like I have to reply to this one.

Yes, there were good aspects about her. She was kind and caring (most times) and actually very thoughtful. When I was with her, I almost always was smiling. When we were out, just the two of us, we'd have an awesome time, 100% of the time. When other people were involved, it usually was chaotic and I almost always tried to somehow avoid being around her and her friends.

In retrospect, the relationship was not healthy at all; however there was enough that would make any sane person want to pursue it. What I figured is that she'd been through a rough spot and needed someone to count on; and I was that "rock".

She's definitely reached out to me since - I have to admit I have had limited contact with her. She doesn't seem to realize that what happened was a deal-breaker - I honestly could never be with a woman who put herself in that situation with another guy. There were many things that came close to that (that I thought she'd work on), but that honestly just killed the entire thing.

As a girl friend of mine said when I told her the story in its entirety, "it sounds like the relationship is just broken, completely broken. There's really nothing you can do to salvage it, you've tried so many times."