Borderline And Bipolar Love Relationship

A few months ago I started in a seriously fast-moving, amazingly captivating romantic relationship. I am a young-twenties female, diagnosed borderline and he is a young-twenties male diagnosed manic depressive (i.e. bipolar). We have an incredible connection because we "get" each other's severe mood changes and are often able to help calm the other pretty well. I found that we are very highly compatable in that we either have the EXACT same thought/habit, or the exact opposite, as if to balance one another out. Im surprised at how much i am actually trusting him and am comfortable with him, a lot of my super-severe borderline tendancies actually arent popping out nearly as much as they did in other relationships, and we are both becoming extremely attached, unable to spend basically any time apart without both having emotional meltdows... see, when we are apart it's quite likely that something DOES happen to go wrong between us (be it communication, misunderstanding, or actual mistake) and we both lose it reeeeeally badly and are seemingly unable to control ourselves for a while. We do not get angry at one another but we both get mad, severely mad, at our own selves and tell each other how much we hate ourselves. This then upsets us more because we both think the other is perfect... It can get really out of control and we are both such emotional wrecks sometimes that it scares me for our well-being, both as a couple and as individuals. Does anyone with BPD or a mood disorder have any experience or input to share about dating someone who also has a similar mood disorder or BPD?

I would like to add also (decided to post rather that just edit) that we both have an A.D.D. diagnosis.. this makes our situation much more specific, and definitely much more complicated. Any advice or insight would be GREATLY apprecited..

Ummm well I have problems with some sort of mood dysregulation, (severe depression, sometimes elation driven off other feelings.) I'd say communication is really important... which it sounds like you're doing already. Is the ADD a problem between you in any way ?

The good bit is you understand each other better than people without those problems might, the bad is that you have to be careful not to become too emotionally dependant on each other in the wrong way - love each other as much as you like, (trying not to confuse that with need or dependance,) but get some help - maybe get a therapist to help you use CBT & DBT exercises (or something similar?) to try to learn to avoid some of the problems with misinterpretation when you're apart - reminds me of that radical acceptance thing - accepting you're apart and that (cbt kicks in here) that there is nothing likely to be going horribly wrong when you're apart , one or both of you is probably just having a bad time, using things like that to address anything that feels misinterpreted to give yourselves a chance to ask and find out before it flies out of control and makes things worse. (i know all easier said than done but thats where the therapist comes in, which im not! lol but there is plenty of that stuff online too.)

2 really important things I'd say is if you seem to set each other's disorders off in any ways, you need to work out how and why, and try to come up with ways of avoiding that happening. not being able to be apart at all is very BPDish (unless its more because you misinterpret when you're not together) but if its the first solving it by constantly being together wouldn't be helping with the BPD, if its the second, it seems better to work on the problem than to never be able to leave each others' side !

the other thing id say is that its great when you can understand each other in ways others can't, but dont forget to do the normal stuff too, you both have disorders but there is more to life than being disordered

Hi,

I've had relationships of some type with 3 BPD women. Am sort of in a pseudo one with an HPD and have a Narc. ex.
(oh i have BPD aswell)

I would say.........all of my relationships.......were in one way or another........pretty awesome like the one you're describing. At the start.

But this:

and we are both becoming extremely attached, unable to spend basically any time apart without both having emotional meltdows

This is most likely the end of your relationship.

So unless you work at getting away from this in a healthy manner...........you're headed for massive failure. (well one of you, for sure)


You're both mentally-ill people. The fact that your mental-illness helps create this bond, doesn't negate the fact, that your mental-illness will also break it. Gas, meet flame.

As great as things are.........they are only so great, because they are "wrong".

Not that you shouldn't enjoy it. It's just that if you want this to last........it's likely that you both have (especially you) a lot of work to do.

So as amazing as things are........you might want to take a deep look at whether or not you are idealising this person. (that's not gonna help, if you are you won't see it!) lol


I mean, you're aware there is a problem right? That's why you are here?

So that's really good. : ) Brilliant.

Keep an eye on it. Work to understand/change yourself......and try to encourage him to do the same. (though don't expect it)


You're young. You're a borderline. He's bipolar.......he's young. It's a new relationship. We're talking massive chance of this not working out. So that's good.......use that to take the pressure off.......and enjoy your relationship and try and take a step back from it wherever you can to figure it out in an unbiased way.


So yeah.....that's my advice. Don't take this relationship too seriously. Enjoy the emotions.....but understand, where they come from. Regardless of how you feel, you've got to work to make this work.....and that takes time and work on both your parts......no matter how strongly you feel right now.
Educate your emotions.

(and enjoy! I'm jealous LOL )

I think your relationship should be OK if you both stay aware, communicate honestly and most of all – do not idolize each other.

I know it's hard to feel such intense emotions towards anyone and not be able to see him in any other color but either black or white… but I really feel that the real problem starts with the "white" phase… where you start to see the other person less and less as a human being, the boundaries between you and him melt, each one's expectations from the other go up and up until you expect him to be super human and… then one day a trigger comes along when you're totally vulnerable emotionally and least ready for it.

Try to keep in mind that you're both a couple of human beings (and not just a couple of disorders) and there's a limit to how much you can expect from each other or from the relationship. Not because of your disorders but because that's what everyone has to deal with. Perfection and full satisfaction exist only in fairytales unfortunately.

I am no professional but in my relationship experience there are so so many warning signs in your description of this relationship. You’ve picked up on some of them already, good job.

What you guys are essentially doing is putting two band-aids over a wound that you share. It may seem like a good ‘fix’ that works for you both right now, but you are really just covering something up and not allowing it to heal or improve. If you are serious about choosing a person that is as unstable as yourself you really could be setting yourself up for a collision course through life that is not going to be a happy and will not end well. E.g. chances are he will have frequent spells of depression, and chances are you tend to dwell on negativity. What a scary combination! That’s not fair to either of you.

If you are serious about pursuing serious love relationships, then you NEED to remember to take it slow! You need to find someone ‘normal’ who is strong and stable and openly willing to learn and understand you completely. This takes years, literally years, not months, and a lot of work and tons of mistakes (therapy helps too). This is why borderlines have a hard time maintaining stable relationships for more than a short time…..because of the nature of their emotions AND because it can be very difficult to find someone who is willing to stick around and pour out their support and unconditional love you even when they can’t understand what is going on. But when you do find that person, it can be magical in the long run.

You are young! This is a vital time for you to be growing as a person! Feeding off of somebody with similar problems is only going to bring you down and stunt that growth, as comforting as it may feel at the time. My heart goes out to the both of you as individuals! Meg.

i just re-read this thread and got to admit when i read the original post i had things on my mind and was probably not paying attention as best as i could... there is a distinction between 2 people with a similar experience being able to understand each other better, and "feeding off" their problems and enabling each other. not being able to be apart at all is not a good sign. you should be able to be apart even if that being apart brings up things you need to work through with your therapist, staying with each other constantly cause you cant be apart isn't going to be helpful. seeing to your problems is one thing that has to be done separately. you can support each other, but you can't cure each other. "balancing each other out" is a good thing when it comes to personality traits, but when it comes to mental illnesses, understanding is good, but you can't cure each other.

for a few reasons, i dont think its necessarily a bad thing for 2 people with mental health problems to have a relationship. sometimes it can be, other times not.

sometimes people's problems can do the opposite of enabling each other - if you're "pathologically incompatible", it can be helpful!

a lot of the time if you end up with one emotionally stable person and one person with mental health problems, the relationship can sometimes become more of a one-sided caregiver thing, which is also unhelpful - and can be almost as unhelpful as being stuck in a relationship feeding off each others' disorders. being completely unable to understand someone's experiences makes a genuine equal and intimate relationship very hard to achieve. there was a thread where something a little like that was being discussed a while ago i think. its also untrue that non BPDs never enable BPDs.

i have some so far undxed mental health problems (psychologically based)... but if anyone tells me i can't beat this or that it will take me 10 or 15 years, i don't accept that, and i won't be the first person to have done it. i also take sole responsibility for my recovery. by that, i mean no one can enable me any more because my behaviour is my reaction, my responsibility, not anyone else's, in any way. if someone sets off an issue i have, its my responsibility to deal with it as it comes up. if i cant, i guess i need to take a step back, take a break, and try again.

the worst relationships can do is enable problems, the best they can do is help you find the strength to help yourself. sometimes knowing someone cares can do so much to help you get through things, but the truth is, whether your partner is emotionally stable or unstable, nothing about that really cures BPD or any other mental illness or PD. its up to each individual to try to recover from their own problems, and while support from loved ones can do a world of good, it doesn't change that truth.

i think as long as people are not enabling each other, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

but i do agree with what you say about taking things slowly and building something genuine.

I agree with most of what you said. You make a good point. Lookaround, I would like to clarify that I was NOT suggesting you find somebody who will become your ‘caretaker’ or treat you as a project. Even though it can also be very comforting at first, it is also unhealthy. Been there too.

Somebody stable, who loves you enough to actively learn about how you and BPD works. Someone who isn’t fighting with their own personality while trying to understand yours. Someone who knows how to be there when you feel like turning your back, but can learn how to let you fight your own battles. And someone who is fully dedicated and in love with who you are. These are just a few things that each of us hopes and prays for.

True, most people out there are not going to be willing or able to take that journey. But trust me, they exist. You/they just have to remember that it is a journey.