I was just diagnosed.

For countless years, I have felt depressed and incomplete. I would spend endless hours trying to come up with a reason as to why I was depressed, I could never find an answer. It became very frustrating my myself and my fiancee. She always thought that I was lying and not telling her the truth. But, honestly, I never knew why I had felt this way. I had everything I needed to be happy.

Her and I had gotten into an argument, and I had lost my temper. I threw my keys at the wall next to her, and she got scared and had left for the night. Completely understanding, I felt horrible for even doing something threatening like that to the person I love so much.

I have had temper problems before, in the worst case (2 years ago) put my in jail and I had to take violence intervention classes. The classes had really seemed to help me. It helped me to stop thinking of myself and worry about other people's feelings as well. I did not have one anger problem for the 8 months following the 26 week class. Just recently I again starting have this "rages" as I call them.

My fiancee left for that night, for understandable reasons. She came back the next day and we were working past our problems. I agreed to make an appointment to see a therapist and she what type of help I can get to make our relationship better, because I do not want to be this way either.

A couple nights later, I was depressed, which is rather common for me. I went out with some of my friends to go out drinking. I remember that entire night up until I had gotten home. The only thing I remember is slamming my head against the wall, then her and I falling to the ground. She got up and went to her room and called the cops. My friend came over to be with me that night as my fiancee went back to stay with her mom.

She has been at her mom's for about a week now. Then she tells me that she is going to be moving out for an indefinite amount of time. I was so torn up by this. I cut myself without suicidal intentions. I had my second appointment with my therapist that night (yesterday).

I explained to her everything... I didn't want to hold back because I truly want to become a better person. She started asking me a bunch of questions, and all my answers happened to be "yes." She then pulled a book off of her shelf and started reading to me about BPD. I was just in awe, everything out of that book described my behavior. She diagnosed me with BPD last night.

I felt so free after that appointment. The so many years of feeling empty, worthless, depressed, and no answer to why... and then all of a sudden know why. It was such a weight that had been lifted. And I am excited to finally get help for this.

My concern is, my fiancee moved out. I know other people with BPD will understand the difficulty of being abandoned. My therapist and I feel that her and I need to be together for support, so we can both get through this. Because of this disorder I have, she needs to be able to understand it too. We need to work together to better our communicative habits and how to better situations as they arise- work together. How do I convince her that this is what needs to happen, not just for me, but for her too? Her and I want to be together. We both promised to work through this. But, I know her healing process is different than mine; and that it is extremely hard for me to even consider helping myself without her in my life.

What can I do to help her understand and explain to her that individually we both need each other to move on from this and start out new life.

Thank you so much for the support.
Jake

Heya Jake,

I only just accepted my borderline as well. Also I only just stumbled across this board but seeing how rude people have been in ignoring you (likely due to your gender) I think I'll either keep shopping around, or go without. I can easily go without... I don't really trust people anyway.

While male borderlines are by no means rare, we that come to admit and accept it let alone 'come out' about it are rare. Let me tell you one thing you'll find: in these sorts of instances women are gender-centric. A girl or woman can make basically any post about anything and be guaranteed a response but for men the same rule does not apply.

Part of the reason you've yet to get a response is likely due to your being so upfront and honest (not what you were taught about life, is it?) about showing abuse to you fiancee, to which 'the girls' gut reaction was likely 'jerk' or possibly 'she should leave that a-hole' or a myriad of other repulsed and revolted emotions whereas if a woman posted something similar about showing violence to their fiancee's you'd find them being at least a little sympathetic. It's a cold hard fact, get used to it. But, screw it, who cares... ay? As men we're sometimes told we need to be more 'open' but I think you'll find in reality it does you little favor.

That may all sound a bit sexist but I'm only being blunt as well as pointing out the reverse-sexism.

I've also shown violence to my wife --who has 'issues' of her own, and hasn't been as kind as she could have been and at time psychologically/emotionally abusive, not that I haven't been those either-- on an off and on basis. I've pushed her over, head butted her once while drunk and slapped her on one occasion although I know in myself I'm not a bad person and that the real, healthy me inside would never do these things... it's this #######4 tumor which surrounds me.

I sympathize with the rages as well. It's like an uncontrollable urge to just lunge/throw/thrust yourself at said person, yeah? Things go red, or you get tunnel vision and it's like someone or something else has the wheel and you're just a spectator... close? It's powerful. Male borderlines, being male, are different than female borderlines around women even if they're borderline you'll find yourself just as alone and feeling isolate in this world as anywhere else. BTW this is not at all to say that male borderlines are all about abuse and rage, that's only a part of the huge puzzle, and even still some borderline men aren't violent at all, while some borderline women are.

I also sympathize with the drinking (as well as slamming your head around if something interferes with the intoxication). Male and female borderlines use drinking. You feel fantastic -due to the short release from the hell, or at least illusion of one- while around friends, especially easy friends, but once you add someone close to you into the mix and they 'blow your buzz', 'pop the balloon' you're floating on, you come crashing down and it makes you incredibly angry... am I close? Also I've found guys, instead of cutting, do the sort of 'self harm' that you mentioned and I mentioned above rather than cut.

Anyway, my wife put up with it far longer than she had to and probably should have but eventually gave me an ultimatum to find a psych and see him on a regular basis. I'm both a proud and extremely stubborn man but really I felt I had no choice (always a choice)... so that's the begrudging situation I'm in. For now, anyway. I'm thinking I'd rather be single than have anyone control me or tell me what to do, or have any baring on my life what-so-ever. I've read this selfishness can be a trait of borderline but I personally do not care and I make no excuses for myself as excuses are dis-empowering.

I wish you well with your quest to become a better person but I'd advise you do it for yourself first, and your fiancee a close second but nonetheless--you first. It's only fair to you if you aren't doing it for yourself, and if you aren't doing it for yourself first you either wont follow through or you'll become bitter and resentful both toward her and in general. Really, though, in your quest you may find you want to embark on a quest to find and be you. Don't run yourself down, and don't let others tell you you're 'bad' and 'wrong'. Also, remember you aren't your illness, you are you.

"What can I do to help her understand that individually you both need each other to move on from this", you ask? You can't, as it isn't true. She doesn't need you ultimately, nor do you need her to the excessive, absolute extent you believe you do. It's a matter of you and her wanting each other. Basing a relationship on some erroneous foundation of 'need' will ultimately cause it to crumble.

All I can tell you is it's on you to convince her why she should want you, and explain to her why you want her so badly. Perhaps you should ask yourself that question first before you explain it to her?

What ever you do, don't let anyone tell you what to do. Decide on your own. Don't let your diagnosis make you vulnerable or you'll end up locked in a cycle where you're always second guessing yourself, wondering if every negative thing people say about you is true, and going along with everything people tell you that you should do. It's dangerous. You'll regret it.

That's all I can think of for the moment. All that doesn't come from doctors, stuff I've been told to think, nor stuff I've read or some book. It's all from personal experience.

Good luck brother...

I'd also like to add that if I'd ever seriously injured my wife (of 7 years) I would have left for her sake. Having a relationship with a borderline is not fun and I do regret the pain I've caused her. The times when I am unable to 'split' it off (in true borderline fashion) it torments me, in fact. I most often prefer to 'split' rather than to feel the hell that is in my head. Men in a relationship with a female borderline is equally unpleasant. This $#%^ is verging on finally destroying my marriage and is currently destroying my mind partly due to it. I know I'll see it through and survive, adjust, adapt, but the pain will be forever. My marriage with her has been a roller-coaster with incredibly times and memories, with horrible times and memories in equal measure. One thing we both agree on though is that the good times outweigh the bad and she admits her problems weren't fair on me either. Part of why we married was on the basis that we both were mentally ill although at the time we were both misdiagnosed as Bipolar type II. She's not borderline, her problems are different.

My mind is breaking down atm although I'll never hospitalize myself. I'll find some way. With that Cymbalta had worked out better, and I wish there was something else I could take. Point is, I come off as aloof and dispassionate both in my writing and in life but it simply isn't the case. I simply didn't want to feel the pain anymore so I imposed on myself a rigid, logical way of thinking and being on myself. Part of that also was to straighten out the chaos in my head.

I apologize if my writing was a bit difficult to follow. It's likely due to the fact that I'm current half-starving myself as I feel I've gotten fat. LOL! I'm serious... Not anorexic though. My wife is, though, despite my constant assurance that her weight is perfect. She messed up her body with anorexia so she's finally stopped (she had to).

Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble.

Later.

Study up alot on BPD and everntually you can use the knowledge to cure your self

I've been studying BPD tons ever since I hurt my girlfriend. She answered one of my questions wrong when I was having trust issues and I freaked out pretty bad... I broke up with her and said horrible things. I was calling and texting her for the next like 30 days saying how sorry I was, I tell her to just leave me cuz I dont want to hurt her, but it ends up hurting me for weeks when she finally does I sucked the life out of her I treated her like a princess then took every last drop of love out of her :O
I dont want to do that $#%^ again so I'm trying to cure my self, its hard though when I'm going nuts over another girl with BPD

I just relized im talking about my problems instead of helping u... see im a terrible person