BPD and children **TRIGGER WARNING**

My BPD wife and I were angry with our sister in law , a nurse, when she told us we were crazy to contemplate having a child.
How could she be so cruel to even think such a thing ? We wanted a child so much and my wife was such an 'exception' to the 'typical' BPD.
My wife was a very intelligent person with a degree in physiotherapy and had an unusual insight into her illness.
She had also (finally!) found a psychiatrist who was an expert with BPD.
Despite her many struggles , she was a wonderful mother to our son... until he was ten years old , when she suicided.
Suicide is the worst kind of child abuse.
My sister in law was right.

Digibitz wrote:My BPD wife and I were angry with our sister in law , a nurse, when she told us we were crazy to contemplate having a child.
How could she be so cruel to even think such a thing ? We wanted a child so much and my wife was such an 'exception' to the 'typical' BPD.
My wife was a very intelligent person with a degree in physiotherapy and had an unusual insight into her illness.
She had also (finally!) found a psychiatrist who was an expert with BPD.
Despite her many struggles , she was a wonderful mother to our son... until he was ten years old , when she suicided.
Suicide is the worst kind of child abuse.
My sister in law was right.

So anyone who commits suicide is doing it to hurt someone? I seriously doubt it. It is hard for others to understand what is going on in the head of someone contemplating suicide. I know when I thought of it after having my son, it was because I felt he would live a better life without me.

Squeekerz wrote: So anyone who commits suicide is doing it to hurt someone? I seriously doubt it. It is hard for others to understand what is going on in the head of someone contemplating suicide. I know when I thought of it after having my son, it was because I felt he would live a better life without me.

The intent is irrelevant.
The end result is a child abandoned by his mother.
That's the real life fact.

Also, do you realise that nobody can see inside your head ? All your intentions and thoughts do not live on. Nobody ever understands. All that is seen are your actions. That is the hard truth.
WAKE UP ! What kind ofperson would offer the 'excuse' that they thought that their child was better off without them.
Lame excuse, nobody believes weak drivel like that. It is pure selfishness.
BPD - the irony ....supposedly lacking a 'sense of self' , yet, in fact , being the most selfish.
Admit it. It's all about you.

Digibitz wrote:Also, do you realise that nobody can see inside your head ?

It sounds like you're in a lot of pain Digibitz, and that's completely understandable, were I in your shoes I'd be hurt and furious. I had a cousin and two friends that decided to end their lives. I was at each one of their funerals, and it hurts unimaginably. I also have BPD and have contemplated suicide before.

As you said though, you cannot fathom what goes through another persons mind, especially someone with a mental disorder. Not everything they think is rational, though that doesn't mean that this was meant to intentionally hurt anyone. Most times when someone does this it's because they're suffering on the inside, they're frightened, and they don't know what to do. All of that combined with the severe mood swings a person with borderline pd can feel makes to some choices that people without it may never understand.

That doesn't mean you should burn your memory of her with anger. Anger does no one any good, and if it helps, maybe you should talk to a counselor yourself to help with any feelings you're having, or even for advice for how to best help her child with it. Your son is your main priority now, and you don't want him to have a negative light of this either.

I'm sorry for your immense loss.

*trigger* *TRIGGER* *trigger!!!!*

Someone needs to get a motherf***cking trigger notice on this thread, and QUICK.

I mean, I personally feel bad that you're hurting, and that there's a child without a mother, but I somehow cannot fathom that you didn't do more to be involved in her treatment, to somehow stop this from happening, or have some insight to the fact of how she was feeling.

People have the right to have children, or not to have children, if that was your original post/thought.

However, the last line of your post is of utmost digression to each of us here, and there may be other places where you can go to place blame, but not here.

You're going to likely get a lot of backlash from this, and I think that's terrible, because you're hurting. You just outrightly blamed an entire population for your pain.

Not. Good.

AMP

I'm sorry about your wife. I can't even begin to imagine what you or your son are going through, but you do have my deepest condolences.

Because it was your wife, I'm going to defer to Ali's comments and refrain from saying a lot of what I initially wanted to say. Let me just say that your sister-in-law may have had a point in this particular case, but not in general. Most BPD people do go on, no matter how much they're hurting. I don't doubt for a moment that most, if not all of us here have contemplated suicide at one point or another, but for whatever reason, we didn't do it. Also, BPD people are typically good with children, and often it is the children that give the BPD person their biggest reason to keep going.

Here's where you need to step up for your son. As hard as it may be, make sure your son knows that you loved your wife and she loved both of you. What she did, she did to end the immense pain that she was in; it wasn't done to hurt you or your son. She held out as long as she did because of you and your son. You two were her reason for living; you kept her going.

Please don't show anger to your wife in front of your son. I know you're both hurting, but if he sees you being angry at her for what she did, he'll be torn. As it is, he's probably not sure why she did it, but seeing you angry will only confuse him more. Given how long you two were together, you obviously loved each other, so don't let anger be the last thing you feel towards her. She tried to go on for you and your son; she must've loved you both, very much.

I hope both you and your son get through this okay.

I'm just wondering why he waited almost a ** YEAR ** to finish his thought. He left off in March, 2011 and picked up again Jan 2012.

Regardless of the reason.. I'm sorry for your loss..

Now a reality check... Your sister in law is actually wrong. Borderlines can and do make good parents. I'm a bpd dad and I love my kids with all my heart and consider myself to be a great dad.

It's unfortunate that your wife committed suicide, but that is NOT strictly a bpd phenomenon. Even people that don't have mental illness commit the unfortunate act of suicide.

There is nothing written in stone about who will be a good/bad parent. Some Bpd's are great parents and some aren't. Some Non's are great parents and some aren't. So while I feel bad for your situation and the position your kids are in, the sister in laws point of view is just incorrect!!

What kind ofperson would offer the 'excuse' that they thought that their child was better off without them. Lame excuse, nobody believes weak drivel like that. It is pure selfishness. BPD - the irony ....supposedly lacking a 'sense of self' , yet, in fact , being the most selfish.
Admit it. It's all about you.

This all applies to BPD, as well as, any other parent in the world.. It's all about everyone!!!

"Borderlines can and do make good parents. I'm a bpd dad and I love my kids with all my heart and consider myself to be a great dad.".

You obviously didn't read my original post carefully enough where I stated :
"Despite her many struggles , she was a wonderful mother to our son.."

The fact is that she was an intelligent loving, caring mother who , before her suicide promised my son that she would never do such a thing ! (My son had overheard a phone conversation between her and her sister about previous 'attempts' when she thought he was asleep).

The issue is the unreliability with BPD. When things are good, they are wonderful! We had enjoyed 3-4 years of stability. My wife had a full time job as a physiotherapist at a health care centre where she was happy, in fact, that was what held her together all that time. She was only needing to see her psychiatrist monthly on a 'maintenance' basis. Then, suddenly, one day at work, she accused fellow workers of plotting against her. She made a loud emotional scene in front of the patients and threatened to kill herself. Things spiralled downwards from then on with her having the old conflicts with doctors and everyone else , culminating in her suicide ....left her doctor's office angry one day and suicided...just like that.

My point is, if you have BPD , there are no guarantees , there is no permanent security.
The most stable, loving, people with BPD can (and sometimes do) turn and throw it all away in an instant.
My wife, too , would have been angry with anyone who suggested she could do such a thing.