My Borderline Ex-Girlfriend

Don't you just hate it when you're so in love with someone, but they can quite honestly just stare you in the eyes and tell you how much they just don't anymore?

Welcome to my life. I have dated a beautiful girl for eight months. I am twenty, she is eighteen. For six of those months, we were fairly isolated together, as we traveled around the world with one another (I studied in Toronto for four months). We saw each other for a month before we started dating; she had broken up with my now ex best friend, and I offered her my help and support (sounds rather unintentionally codependent, I know). I listened to her tell me about how she was molested as a child, how her ex boyfriend was horrible to her - how she cheated on him, and all about her sexual exploits. I tell her I don't care about how many people she has slept with; that it doesn't make a person and that it's in the past. We went out regularly; she liked me, I liked her. I know she was kind of seeing another guy as well, and that was fine, because in the end, he was rather emotionally immature, whereas she felt
I had my head screwed on and was stable. There were the, go away, come back days, but it never clicked to me that there was an issue. She needed a place to stay one night, and she 'accidentally' slept with a guy from her work. Supposedly, she felt obliged, and didn't 'finish' because she felt horrible. She told me a week later, after we'd already discussed going overseas together etc. I had not slept with her yet and had no intentions on doing so until well into dating.

She didn't expect that I'd take her back; but I felt so sorry for her and felt as if I could 'help' her. In short, the first mistake that all partners make.

To cut a very long story short; I went overseas three weeks before her. She made a close male friend whilst I was away, and sent a few sexual text messages and images to him - as far as what I knew - because she felt distant from me and felt that things might be hard once she came over. However I knew how much she loved me so we kept working through things.

I loved her; she made me feel wonderful - physically, emotionslly, sexually.
We moved in together to our own home in Toronto. We spent so much time together, but she was always so worried - about when I went to university, or even walked to the shops. I tried to show her that I loved her; but soon she was craving friends and talking to other people back home. Fair enough, but telling another guy that he was virtually acting as more of a boyfriend than I? I started to not trust her; hacked her email and Facebook. Saw that gradually she was bitching about me; I'm not compassionate enough, I don't give her enough cuddles.

I would do everything at her beck and call. If she was in bed, it would be "Dan, I need cuddles". I'd come in, from studying or having some alone time, to spend time with her. It was still never good enough.

I started talking to some Canadians; mainly female, purely because I get along better with them than male. I felt smothered, as if she didn't care anymore, that I just wasn't enough - almost sounds Borderline on my behalf! She found out; no one was interested in catching up with someone who was in a relationship, so I lied to one person and said my 'girlfriend' had gone home. I was craving new friends, and I admit, I probably went the wrong way about it.

One girl, who has a two year long term boyfriend, I was joking around with and said 'Oh I'm like totally in love with you" in a sarcastic manner. My girlfriend found out and was dead set that I loved this girl and wanted her in every way. She self mutilated and no matter what I said, or tried to explain, it would never make any difference. I felt bad; was this my fault? It was all me, I had to make it up to her. I tried so hard, I tried and tried. There were good days, wild sex - she would love sex when she was upset, and would constantly crave pain all the time.

I would shower with her; clean her, hold her, tell her how much I loved her. Some days it meant something, other days - nothing.

We got back to Australia, and found out that I had a pen pal account on Interpals. I had used it to chat to and meet new people, before I was with her, and a few times whilst with her (I lost a bag in Paris and needed some assistance to get it back). She went nuts; broke up with me, alcohol, abuse, drugs. Came back to me the next day, still loved me, wanted things to work out. We weren't living together anymore and this drove her mad as well. She would sulk and get upset and depressed when not with me and even would sometimes get like that when she WAS with me.

We worked at it; I tried everything, seeing her all the time. In the end, she went to stay with some friends. Little did I know, whe slept with one of them, three times, and then broke up with me after. She supposedly cried after the first time, and felt guilty. What was she doing? Trying to '###$' the feelings away? She's tell her friends how promiscuous she was being, etc. She was dating him two days after we broke up, even when the next day she was still telling me how much she still loved me and how we just needed some time to grow separately.

We saw each other regularly - she wouldn't tell her new boyfriend, I would stay over her place, sleep in her bed, give her massages - she'd still want me to sit in the bathroom whilst she showered etc. because I made her feel 'comfortable'.

One day she snapped, we were going to go to town, and half hour before we were set to leave, she chucked a fit about how unattractive she was etc. I had a massive go at her, and just left; no feeling, no emotion. This was just another time. She'd do this again and again. I went on my own, she broke up with her 'three week' boyfriend of whom she told me she doesn't love and isn't attracted to physically. Who she 'could' love. She didn't take him back and came into the city, two nights in a row, got drunk and hooked up with me. Telling me how she still wants to sleep with me etc. but not beIng able to be intimate when sober (apart from cuddling etc) - is this regret for having cheated on me (which she didn't know that I knew of).

It drives me mad; she bought me a book in Canada about Borderline PD which I read back to front; she has always known in the back of her mind that she has an issue. She's 'trying' to come to terms with it now, amidst needing constant company and people being around her. I still care about her so much, and sometimes she still really seems to care about me - I feel almost sorry for this new guy, but in a way I feel relieved - she told him the issue. Guess what? He said he could try to 'support and help her'. She told him that if after eight months I hadn't been able to do that, no one could but herself.

A start? Maybe. Sometimes she'll know she has a problem, other times she just wants to drink, pass out, have fun and forget everything. She said I'm the one with the problem; that my chronic 'codepedendancy' drove us apart; and my need to help others, letting me 'own relationship fall apart'.

She can't delete the pictures of her and I off her Facebook. None of her friends recognize that she has an issue; why would they care? They get a flamboyant, promiscuous, sexual friend. In return, I get the troubled young girl who has no idea where she is going or what she wants. She wants to be a Psychologist and Social Worker. She has no job, no permanent house - despite just a day prior to her cheating on me, she wanted to get married and move in together.

She sees everything in black and white; I either loved this other girl, or I didn't. And me 'loving' her makes more sense in her mind. She's told me in tears that she has realized that she was never abused; that she took the story from someone else. I'm taking her to get a mental health plan drawn up. In the mean time, she's wanting me to see someone over my 'issues'.

I know in my heart that I don't think I'd ever be able to have a healthy relationship with her again. I don't know whether she'll get better; she admitted that I'm seen as the 'enemy' in her eyes and that she won't be able to forgive me until she gets better. Did she ever actually love me? Or is it all about the attention, reassurance and affection that she never received from her 'mum or dad'.

I still will always love her. I've been around the world with the girl, made love to her, supported her, held her.

I still do! But it's so draining on me; especially after finding out that she cheated - down to the details.

She's not talking to this new guy and is refusing the see him.

I don't know what else I can do.

Did she ever actually love me? Or is it all about the attention, reassurance and affection that she never received from her 'mum or dad'.

Short answer..........no. She never loved you.

Her feelings for you were real.......she wasn't faking it to trick you. (most likely)

But it's just.......she also loved those other guys too. It just didn't last as long with them.


I don't know if you want to call that love. I don't know if you want to call what she felt for you, love.
I don't know if you want to call what anyone feels for anyone, love.


But yeah..........her relationship with you, was all about her. She never really saw you as a person. You were merely something to reflect her own insecurities and paranoid beliefs about herself off of.

I mean, that's what normal "love" is between non-BPD people too...........but with us, it's just more intense and more shallow, usually.


"she loved me".........is really not a good way to look at it. She needed you.

She doesn't really love you. I don't really love the woman, i would think i was in love with now, if i didn't know i had bpd.


Really.......you should move on. She's just going to betray you again. She'll probably betray you, because she's already betrayed you so frequently...........i wouldn't respect you anymore........and obviously, she didn't respect you enough to begin with.


Sorry......she's 20? Or you're young too? Yeah.............

I don't know how to break this to you............i would bet almost everything i had on earth, that this won't work out.

I'd also bet almost everything i had........that you would give your left nut to make it work out.

There's a reason for that...........WE LIE. WE MANIPULATE. WE GO TO EXTRAORDINARY lengths to be what you want.
Obviously we stop doing it............we do it less and less and less..........as your value to us diminishes.

For me.........it's usually when a girl, finally convinces me she loves me. It's like.......when i really know she cares.........i stop caring about her.

It's not like a plan.........it's just the way i am? (it's been awhile......maybe i've grown)


And we always try........to leave you with the impression we care. We're sure no once loves us and we'll end up alone...........so why not have a life raft incase things don't work out?

It's easier to leave you, with feelings for us.........because it's always about us. Why would we not want an ex, to want us?
Like if there is no immediate danger........(she knows you won't stalk her, she knows you won't ruin her new relationships)..........then why not keep you wanting her? Why not string you along.......she probably doesn't even see it that way.

She's just being nice. Because she's so nice............cheating on everyone. Lying......complaining behind your back..............she's so nice though.


How ya'll fall for this #######4?

She called you co-dependant?

"dan i need cuddles?"

Wow........you gave too much man.


You know that saying? too good to be true............that's us basically.


I think there's like 2 types of borderlines. There's ones that realise they're bad news........and others that try desperately to convince themselves and others that they aren't.

There's no reason...........to waste your time with anyone with BPD. Or and PD.

Not unless you like pain. If you like pain.......then have at it.

But honestly.......it's just like buying a car, with a messed up engine. A car that has to magically fix itself. SUre........you might be able to help it fix itself...........but why, in the end, it's just a car like any other.
The first month......maybe even year............that's just like the sales pitch to get you in the door.

after that........we just don't care nearly as much.

I love the stupid honesty.

You BPDs really tell it how it is, most of the time! ;D

Argh, it's awful, because today she told me that she still loves me, despite having slept with another two guys since she broke up with me this month. That she's addicted to compulsive, meaningless sex, that she is going to go and get help, and that she still wants and needs me in her life.

I bounced back and forth between the father of my children and my friend, who I am now with. I continuosly felt guilt and always told each of them what I did with the other. I still love my ex very very much, and it took me awhile to admit how badly I was treating him. Having BPD doesn't have to be a relationship death sentence if the disordered person is sincere in their want to change, and in my experience I don't ever use the word "love" unless I'm serious. Saying I love someone is making a commitment to them, even if we aren't together. The thing is, if a person doesn't make things clear with me about what chances are in the future, it's hard for me to wait around for an unsure thing. As bad as it is, it is very hard to be alone and waiting for someone if the outcome is unclear.

My advice, though, is to (if you are even wanting to be with her again after all this has happened to you) tell her how things need to be. She needs to start going for therapy before you even think about trying again with her. Until she is seriously trying to correct her behaviors, she's probably not going to change, even if deep down she wants to.

This thread is what caused me to sign up here. It sounds like several relationships I have been in. Just a whole lotta confusion and instability. Sometimes I feel like it was caused by myself, other times I felt like it was the other person who was just crazy. Eventually I got some counseling and was really able to flesh out what was going on with me and others. I found out that some of my own traits caused me to become more easily attached to certain types of people who reflected them. So, my question to Dan is have you had any kind of counseling at all? Do you have any traits of BPD yourself? It seems like you are letting yourself get really wrapped up in this chaos and game playing.

Hi Meg554, yes, I have started seeing a Psychologist myself. Only my second meeting with her on Wednesday this week, but so far, I get the feeling that I may have codependency issues.

I really have let myself get wrapped up in all the game playing. I feel as if I am still in love with her, and as an update, we have started seeing one another to a degree yet again, because she has realized that she still loves me and that she appreciates me a lot more than what she did - which is naturally feeding my issue as well.

She is getting help, however; she doesn't want to date again until she knows that she won't hurt me again. Which is an excellent admission on her behalf. In short, I am not keeping my hopes up, but I will stay close to her in the mean time.

That is really great to hear. So often it takes two to tango. And that tango really is no fun! It's good to hear you guys are seeing each other again, but don't get too deep too fast. Learn to be a strong, supporting friend to her first. Then, it's relative cake.

Meg, you're always spot on. We had a discussion about this on another post, but normally people in relationships with Borderlines also have issues themselves. Codependency issues and Borderline traits seem to be the most common issues I have seen in those who date Borderlines, including myself. I mean, I think something has to be "off" with you if the constant pushing and pulling of a Borderline relationship is appealing. I think to a normal person it's probably highly frustrating and tiresome.

You get the "feeling" that you're co-dependent? You ARE co-dependent. Your post made me think of a little puppy dog being led around on a leash. The fact that you're getting counseling is a step in the right direction.

Your post seems to be somewhat common. I don't really believe all these well intentioned guys who feel sorry for their girl and showering them with gifts. It comes across as if you're trying to buy their love, or by giving them everything you'll be the one she wants to be with, and will be faithful with. It's NOT going to happen! She lies and she's loose and she's not going to change.

Did she love you? I think at best she thought she loved you. I highly doubt she really knows what love is. You can do whatever you want, buy her anything, always be there for her, however you will NOT change her.

The best thing you could do is tell her to F off, and then change your phone number and be done with her for good.

Sorry to be harsh, but the faster you can move on the better for you.

kinnoda wrote:Don't you just hate it when you're so in love with someone, but they can quite honestly just stare you in the eyes and tell you how much they just don't anymore?

Welcome to my life. I have dated a beautiful girl for eight months. I am twenty, she is eighteen. For six of those months, we were fairly isolated together, as we traveled around the world with one another (I studied in Toronto for four months). We saw each other for a month before we started dating; she had broken up with my now ex best friend, and I offered her my help and support (sounds rather unintentionally codependent, I know). I listened to her tell me about how she was molested as a child, how her ex boyfriend was horrible to her - how she cheated on him, and all about her sexual exploits. I tell her I don't care about how many people she has slept with; that it doesn't make a person and that it's in the past. We went out regularly; she liked me, I liked her. I know she was kind of seeing another guy as well, and that was fine, because in the end, he was rather emotionally immature, whereas she felt
I had my head screwed on and was stable. There were the, go away, come back days, but it never clicked to me that there was an issue. She needed a place to stay one night, and she 'accidentally' slept with a guy from her work. Supposedly, she felt obliged, and didn't 'finish' because she felt horrible. She told me a week later, after we'd already discussed going overseas together etc. I had not slept with her yet and had no intentions on doing so until well into dating.

She didn't expect that I'd take her back; but I felt so sorry for her and felt as if I could 'help' her. In short, the first mistake that all partners make.

Wow, just like how mine started haha. Scary. I bet you will not be so "understanding" in the future.