abandoned...

had a fuckbuddy... but he was more than that... i wasn't going out with him because i've been trying to avoid relationships... trying as hard as i can because you know what it's like when you have bpd and you're in a relationship.. it's not good, not good at all, just makes you worse especially when you find a liar or someone you're really para about...

but yeah i had a fuckbuddy who decided yesterday that he didn't want this anymore he wanted to be with some other girl... so yeah he practically abandoned me for some other girl... and my friend saw him with this girl today.. and he is happy even though he knows he has ######6 destroyed me... i feel so worthless and ugly and just ... not good enough...

he says on his blog "i think i've lost my best friend" ie me but then comments on FB saying "I'm very happy today even though I shouldn't be" probably because he's been with this girl

who is probably so much better prettier more stable than me...

how can i continue to try my hardest to avoid attachments to protect myself, to avoid relationships to stop me getting worse,
to be alone despite how difficult it is,
with the added plus of this intense abandonment and jealousy to cope with ?

how?

someone help

please

Firstly...........i'd start by devaluing him. As great as he was......there are plenty of people in the world just as great. (that doesn't mean hate him........just don't idealise him, why should all your self worth come from his feelings about you?)



I know it's hard........when you just picture someone's face or are reminded of any little thing by any little thing........and it totally sends waves of negative depressing hopeless lost emotions at you.........but that's part of our problem.
Recognise it. It's not as bad as it feels. It FEELS horrible........but it's not that bad in reality. You don't have cancer....you didn't get aids......he wasn't even your bf.



Look to the past..............how many times have you felt this way? 2? 20?

I'm sure you've been crushed many times. Try and understand that you will feel better, even if you can't feel it.



As for avoiding attachment............well you didn't do that did you?

It's probably not going to work........because attachment, is kind of all we really want. Atleast that's the way i feel.


You got to come up with a plan.......... what do you need, to get through this?

Has anything ever helped you?

Ever see any motivational speakers? Religion? Science? Anything that for a moment.......helped you to gain more confidence in yourself? or your emotions or life or whatever?



Did you ever have 2 crushes at once? Was it easier then?

Are you the type of person.........that can move on easily and quickly? Maybe you need to date more not less.



Are you in therapy? Have you made progress?


Is what just happened............something that doesn't hurt as much as it would of a year ago? 2 years ago?



I'm sure what you are going through is horrible. And it's a disaster.

And i'm sure it's made even worse.........knowing you are going to go through this like 50 more times in your life probably.

But i guess in a way.........doesn't that make seem, freaking out about it a little more silly?

You know this is something that could make your life better, if you could get a little more control over it.

But you also know........you are alive now. So it hasn't killed you yet.

So things probably aren't going to get any worse.........they'll get better. A tiny fraction of a bit better.......or a lot better. Massively better.
Depending on how hard you work at it and how lucky you are.

its funny because it's exactly like you say.. my feelings of self worth come from him
now i feel ugly because he doesn't want me, i look ugly to myself. stuff like that

but a lot of the stuff you said does make a lot of sense

maybe i should date more? or maybe that will result in more pain i dunno

Sorry you're feeling abandoned kazine. i've had a sort of panic reaction to abandonment before, not quite the same i know, but i know it can feel bad.

i think you should talk to your therapist about it. i dont think devaluation will help much cause is just the opposite side to the idealisation problem that leaves you feeling that way, and you won't be able to do anything to work on your feelings as they are if you devalue right now. dating more or dating less isnt necessarily the answer - if you form unhealthy attachments it wont change that. i think the best thing to do is talk to your therapist about how you feel about the abandonment, and maybe they can help you understand whats going on better.

i dont think its helpful to try not to become attached to anyone, or even whether it would be possible, its only delaying having to work through something you need to. what you can do is if you find yourself becoming attached to someone, go and talk about that too - if you're not forming healthy attachments, it might help you see how & why. dont try any of that stuff on your own tho!

in the mean time, try to distract yourself, sounds silly, but if you feel ugly, do your hair & makeup, get a new haircut, buy a nice outfit, run a bath & relax... do something to look after yourself. if you feel like you've lost your sense of self, can you try to feel ok with not knowing? maybe try loads of random things, see if you can figure out what you like & what you don't without someone to mirror? even if not, if not, its still a distraction to help with things from day to day.

kazine wrote:had a fuckbuddy... but he was more than that... i wasn't going out with him because i've been trying to avoid relationships... trying as hard as i can because you know what it's like when you have bpd and you're in a relationship.. it's not good, not good at all, just makes you worse especially when you find a liar or someone you're really para about...

but yeah i had a fuckbuddy who decided yesterday that he didn't want this anymore he wanted to be with some other girl... so yeah he practically abandoned me for some other girl... and my friend saw him with this girl today.. and he is happy even though he knows he has ######6 destroyed me... i feel so worthless and ugly and just ... not good enough...

he says on his blog "i think i've lost my best friend" ie me but then comments on FB saying "I'm very happy today even though I shouldn't be" probably because he's been with this girl

who is probably so much better prettier more stable than me...

how can i continue to try my hardest to avoid attachments to protect myself, to avoid relationships to stop me getting worse,
to be alone despite how difficult it is,
with the added plus of this intense abandonment and jealousy to cope with ?

how?

someone help

please

You 'had a ###$ buddy'... but he was more than that! Were YOU more than that to him?

You really can't be getting upset that a '###$ buddy' left you yesterday for another girl. He'll probably be back for another ###$ tomorrow, if you're handing it out on a plate!

He hasn't 'abandoned you'.. !! After all, you weren't married or engaged.. you were just '###$ buddies'... so HOW has he abandoned you?

I really can't understand how you can be jealous....

how can i continue to try my hardest to avoid attachments to protect myself, to avoid relationships to stop me getting worse,
to be alone despite how difficult it is,
with the added plus of this intense abandonment and jealousy to cope with ?

My advice (for what it's worth) ... stop with the '###$ buddies'! I mean.... what the hell is that all about?? You ask how you can avoid attachments to protect yourself.... well, I don't consider a '###$ buddy' to be an attachment or even a relationship. If it's a relationship you want, then make it clear to your bloke. Do you really expect a bloke to hang around with you for the rest of his life if all you're going to be to each other is '###$ buddies'?

You're being very unfair to this bloke and also very immature... sorry, but it has to be said! He's moved on...maybe he sees this new girl as more than just a ###$ buddy. Surely he's entitled to a proper relationship and some happiness? Maybe he even fancies getting married one day and having a family; he's not going to get that with a '###$ buddy', is he!!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and either tell this bloke that you want to be more than '###$ buddies'.... or MOVE ON and stop moaning!!

Hi, as a non I found your post both interesting and confusing. I'm just thinking that you and your f-buddy wanted two different things, I am not sure if this is the case but I kind of feel like he was looking for a relationship more involved then just a roll in the hay... And I am confused about the abandonment feelings, if he was kind of looking for more of a relationship did it concern youthat he may find it elsewhere ? Do you feel now that you kind of regret the fact that you guys didn't become more involved. Seems like the guy had some really loving feelings towards you, and I really think he was your best freind. But ideally being in a relationship with another person usually involves having to give up people that you are intimate with for the mere fact that if someone is seeking something a little more intense, and may have found it, a continued f-buddy relationship could/would jeopardize that...

I mean this with the utmost respect, and I am sorry you are feeling as you do, and it is obvious the guy has some strong feelings for you, loving you more than a friend and thinking of you as a best friend... I'm sure it's not easy for him either, and I feel like if he could find a more involved relationship with you the other girl would be toast.

I am sorry if I seem to be wording my post in a way that seems mean, but with the abandonment feelings would it be harder for you if you guys had become more involved.. Because then wouldn't you not feel the abandonment feeling that you are feeling now ?

I actually can empathize. Sure, you didn't want the commitment of having the label, right? This is just what I'm assuming from being "f-buddies but more" . . . As awful as it sounds, I would keep a guy around for a looooong time without giving him the commitment of being able to say we were dating. Obviously that backfired, but I was too afraid to commit myself to him and then to later want to go after someone else. In essence, I was sabatoging it before it even really got to a serious point. Strangely enough, I have found 2 men throughout my life that stuck around for an insane amount of time despite my lack of willingness to commit. One of them is the father of my two children. (Well, I haven't gotten a paternity test for my daughter...) The other is the man who I'm with now, and who wants to be the biological father of my daughter extremely badly.

In any case, it sounds like your fear of being alone or abandoned made it so you weren't willing to slap that label of dating on there? I definitely wouldn't let your emotions be invalidated here though! I read some things that aren't the best advice to be giving. Your hurt and jealousy iare very real. You were attached despite not being willing to have a label. It doesn't mean you're not "allowed" to feel abandoned or jealous. It is what you decide to do with those feelings that matters.

Avoiding perceived abandonment is one of the core issues with our disorder. I've avoided it by not giving the label... but I slowly realized that even without the official status of being with someone, I still managed to be emotionally attached, so them leaving me still stung just as much. Also, if I'd have just gone along with it and not fought so hard because of my fear, I wouldn't have been left in the first place!


Also, I have a question, what's going on with your pregnancy?

kazine wrote:maybe i should date more? or maybe that will result in more pain i dunno

Hi Kazine,

I don't think dating more is a good idea: you'll just get lost in other people without establishing who you really are. I think your goal needs to be similar to my own: to develop a relationship with yourself. Then, when you're ready and able, you can develop a relationship with someone else.

There's some great posts on this thread that offer practical and helpful advice. Twistedmister suggests putting the experience in context (how many times have you had this experience before - remember that it passed and you survived). He suggests devaluing your ex-lover, which perhaps isn't as practical as seeing things as they really are i.e., put the relationship in perspective and put your idealisation of your ex-lover into perspective. Miss_understood is calling you out on your borderline traits i.e., you may wish to avoid a relationship because they hurt, but because you have a tendency to have deep emotional connections with others, a casual-sex understanding probably won't work for you. I think it'll be a good idea to diffuse your feelings by distracting yourself like Katana says (particularly in the ways she suggests that emphasise values of personal care (bath, new haircut, a treat etc). Just go easy on the spending!

miss_understood wrote:

kazine wrote:had a fuckbuddy... but he was more than that... i wasn't going out with him because i've been trying to avoid relationships... trying as hard as i can because you know what it's like when you have bpd and you're in a relationship.. it's not good, not good at all, just makes you worse especially when you find a liar or someone you're really para about...

but yeah i had a fuckbuddy who decided yesterday that he didn't want this anymore he wanted to be with some other girl... so yeah he practically abandoned me for some other girl... and my friend saw him with this girl today.. and he is happy even though he knows he has ######6 destroyed me... i feel so worthless and ugly and just ... not good enough...

he says on his blog "i think i've lost my best friend" ie me but then comments on FB saying "I'm very happy today even though I shouldn't be" probably because he's been with this girl

who is probably so much better prettier more stable than me...

how can i continue to try my hardest to avoid attachments to protect myself, to avoid relationships to stop me getting worse,
to be alone despite how difficult it is,
with the added plus of this intense abandonment and jealousy to cope with ?

how?

someone help

please

You 'had a ###$ buddy'... but he was more than that! Were YOU more than that to him?

You really can't be getting upset that a '###$ buddy' left you yesterday for another girl. He'll probably be back for another ###$ tomorrow, if you're handing it out on a plate!

He hasn't 'abandoned you'.. !! After all, you weren't married or engaged.. you were just '###$ buddies'... so HOW has he abandoned you?

I really can't understand how you can be jealous....

how can i continue to try my hardest to avoid attachments to protect myself, to avoid relationships to stop me getting worse,
to be alone despite how difficult it is,
with the added plus of this intense abandonment and jealousy to cope with ?

My advice (for what it's worth) ... stop with the '###$ buddies'! I mean.... what the hell is that all about?? You ask how you can avoid attachments to protect yourself.... well, I don't consider a '###$ buddy' to be an attachment or even a relationship. If it's a relationship you want, then make it clear to your bloke. Do you really expect a bloke to hang around with you for the rest of his life if all you're going to be to each other is '###$ buddies'?

You're being very unfair to this bloke and also very immature... sorry, but it has to be said! He's moved on...maybe he sees this new girl as more than just a ###$ buddy. Surely he's entitled to a proper relationship and some happiness? Maybe he even fancies getting married one day and having a family; he's not going to get that with a '###$ buddy', is he!!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and either tell this bloke that you want to be more than '###$ buddies'.... or MOVE ON and stop moaning!!

wow, you're a bitch, don't ever reply to my threads again.

wow, you're a bitch, don't ever reply to my threads again.

you're funny!!