BPD Characteristics After Suicide In Family?

Hello, this is my very first post.

My twin sister committed suicide a little over three years ago. We were 16 years old at the time. I am 19 years old now. For about two years before she succeeded, she was addicted to Opiates and Benzos. She made several suicide attempts that led to being hospitalized for weeks at a time. Her behavior was so erratic I couldn't even recognize her anymore. She would sneak out in the middle of the night drunk and high, just wandering around with a lost expression on her face. She was so volatile and out of control. Our parents worked a lot so I felt an obligation to look over her 24/7. I was so overwhelmed by the responsibility and stress that I started getting panic attacks on an almost daily basis. A few were so bad I went to the emergency room a few times thinking I was dying. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sit still in class, I had to know that she was okay at all times.

Eventually she seemed to calm down a bit and claimed she was feeling much better. I knew she was a good liar but I gave her a chance to have more alone time and not watch her like a hawk the way I did. I thought she (and I) deserved it. To cut the story short, she hanged herself after school one day when I wasn't home. To this day I feel like I had failed her or gave up on her too soon. I don't think I will ever shake that feeling.

I don't even know the person I am anymore. After it happened many people wanted to console me but were confused by how blank and empty and cold I was. I couldn't cry. I was so emotionally exhausted. I felt numb. I almost starting judging my own reaction to her death, like why am I not bawling my eyes out like everyone else? Why am I so stoic? Am I a robot? What is wrong with me?

I know everyone deals with death differently but I've noticed my personality and behavior make a total shift, which is why I'm considering bringing up BPD to a psychologist. I am flat out MEAN to people I'm close to for no reason. I lash out at my friends, try to humiliate them, throw low blows and hurt them where they hurt the most. I don't even need provoking, I just go off. It sounds so sick but it almost gives me a feeling of euphoria. I want to hurt them so bad, yet if they retaliate, I get extremely upset and feel sorry for myself, even though I was cruel to them first. One minute I hate them and promise to cut them off completely, and then the next minute I feel like crying and wanting to apologize and tell them how much I need them and beg them not to leave. I scare myself with these intense swings. I can't tell how I TRULY feel about my family/friends/boyfriends/etc.

On most days I have a few hours where I feel intense yet vague anxiety. I get this foreboding feeling like something horrible is going to happen. It lasts only a few hours but it goes on almost every day.

I have struggled with binge eating and anorexia. It's been a year and half since I lost my period. My BMI was 14.2 at my lowest point. I am no longer dangerously thin, but I am certainly not recovered either. I go through cycles of starving and exercising to binging on so much food I can't even get up. I would be ashamed to have anyone see me when I'm in these episodes. I'm like an animal.

It just seems like everything in my life since my sister's death I go from one extreme to the other. There's no regularity. I don't know why I'm so insistent on hurting myself and hurting the ones I care about. I feel reckless.

I would appreciate any feedback about whether this is characteristic of BPD and if anyone has developed it after dealing with death or some loss? If not maybe it sounds like something else? Thanks if you read this far.

I would just like to say. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing someone like that. I really wish I knew what to say that could console you and make it all better, but I'm not even going to attempt that. It would just be empty words to you, and I realize that. You are in a bad place and need more than just words over the internet screen. Just know that someone in Pennsylvania is thinking about you, love.

Right now, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about BPD. But rather, I'm thinking more PTSD. Or a variation of it I just learned, C-PTSD, that is very acute and has Borderline traits.

I think it would be very beneficial for you to see a therapist at this time if you haven't already. I'm sure your parents would completely be supportive after what you went through. Sometimes just having a human lifeline there that listens to your troubles and that you don't have to hold back with is just what some of us need.

I'm going through a crisis as well. My family just found out about my sexual abuse by my brother. I'm sure thats what caused my BPD. So, I'm not denying that something as traumatic as your sister's suicide couldn't produce the disorder in you. I'm just leaning more so towards PTSD. But, you have so many Borderline traits, please, feel free to continue posting in this forum.

Thinking of you. <3

I agree that seeing a therapist may help answer your questions, and more importantly, help you heal from what sounds like an extended period of trauma. Know that you did everything you could.
And please accept my sympathy for your loss. Grieving can take many forms.

My brother killed himself. My mother and father both tried.

To this day I feel like I had failed her or gave up on her too soon. I don't think I will ever shake that feeling

You feel like you need to punish yourself for failing her. Shaking that feeling.......is like shaking her........and you can't let go of it, because then it can happen again.


Also......i'm sure there are other reasons for your guilt. Some tiny part of you..........probably wanted to be rid of the responsibility of her. That's normal.
That doesn' mean you wanted it to happen.


It does sound like BPD.

And you do clearly blame yourself for what happened.


You think, you weren't good enough to save her. And you're anxious to prove that you aren't good enough for anyone else.

It's pretty sick.


People who are young can develop BPD after traumatic events. Especially given........you had an ongoing traumatic one just dealing with your twin sister.

The fact you're twins.......don't overlook that. And your young age.........




I'm not sure what to tell you.

You know it wasn't your fault right? Like........i know you don't really feel it. But you like intellectually know it?

Because yeah.......you're going to have to work on managing your feelings. (ick.....it's hard)


You're right though........you'll probably never shake the feeling. Not really.

The key is.......first forgiving yourself, intellectually. And secondly.......learning to manage your emotions that stem from a deep anxiety about your own self worth.

Good times.

I can't tell how I TRULY feel about

Truly doesn't exist.

Let go of truly.........and understand that needing to "Truly" feel any way.........is just going to make it harder.


I'm finding it hard to reply to your post.


I sometimes think i have survivors guilt.

Thank you everyone for responding. I really mean that. I literally never talk about what happened even with my own family. For so long I tried to push it out of my mind and not think about it but I know that won't make it go away.

Twistedmister wrote:Also......i'm sure there are other reasons for your guilt. Some tiny part of you..........probably wanted to be rid of the responsibility of her. That's normal. That doesn' mean you wanted it to happen. It does sound like BPD. And you do clearly blame yourself for what happened.

When she was admitted to psychiatric wards, I felt like I could actually take a deep breath and relax somewhat, knowing that she was getting help and under constant supervision. When she died a part of me felt the same way. It was my worst nightmare and I didn't want it to end like that, but things were so chaotic at my house especially the last 6 months of her life. I couldn't take it anymore. I knew something had to happen but she controlled my parents and they were too afraid to give her any consequences besides at-home drug tests once a week. Looking back, I wish I would've talked to police or a rehab center about admitting her to inpatient since my parents wouldn't do it. I was the only one who knew how dire the situation was and I didn't fight the way I could have.

The first year or so after she died I went from being numb to having intense feelings of anger towards her. I mean, I really hated her. I hated her for all the turmoil she put me and my parents through all those years and for ending it that way, having us find her in such a state. I just thought of her as being this toxic person who was only put on this earth to ruin the lives of everyone who cared about her. For some reason I refused to understand the mental illness aspect of it, at all. She was pure evil in my mind at that point.

Things really changed for me when I came across a public online journal she kept. Having no idea what I was in for, I read it. I found out that one of the times she snuck out in the middle of the night, she was raped. When I read that I lost it. I had no idea and now I feel incredibly guilty and selfish for only thinking about how she hurt everyone else, when she was in more pain than I could imagine. I feel horrible for hating her. I feel horrible for wanting to forget about her when she died. I feel so heartless and cruel.

I repeat in my head that it should have been me instead of her. Now I'm reckless, hurting others and hurting myself.

Okay, that's enough before I write another essay. I do plan on seeing a psychologist somewhat soon. Just thank you all for reading and responding. I'm also for your loss twistedmaster. Monroe, I wish you the best with you and your family dealing with the aftermath of that crisis.

Okay, that's enough before I write another essay.

There's nothing wrong with another essay.

Hey Tine,

I just read your story. I went almost to the same situation as you went through. Im 24 years and i also had a twin sister who also comitted suicide not even so long ago.

I understand your feelings so good. My sister was in an institute and the things you are saying as ' not recognizing her anymore' are very very familliar. Because i had the same with my twin sister.

When we were little we shared everything and wearing the same clothes as a twin does also when we were growing older we were still together. My sister was suffering at the age of 17 from a depression since then it never was going away. Because of this she was also running away from home and she was so confused.

I tried to help her and trying to talking sense into her. I tried my best being there for her. This was going on and on for years. As a human and sister you also have boundaries and also have a limit of what you can take and what not.

I was also so emotionally ehausted from all the years that i was also almost drowning and i needed to keep my head above water so i decided to take some distance for a few months because i know that you are the only one wo can live your life and also who can make it better. It is nice if there is someone or something in life what makes its easier to carry. But, the persons who are standing so close and love you the most are also the persons who got hurt the most. So, its just a difficult situation because alot of emotions are playing a part. You are trying to help, but it seems its not working. It hurts you and tears you apart and thats why you are also feeling so guilty and cruel that you could not help or save her. I have those feelings aswell.

The best thing to do is not to blame yourself, you tried your best. And i will always keep my sister close with me. She will always be in my heart and cherish the moments you had with her dont be angry but be gratefull for what you had with her and for the moments you spended together.

Rosierose

Hi. I wanted to answer your post because the original post is a little dated and I'm not sure if tine is here any longer. Your reply is very sweet – I think what you wrote here is important because many people who visit this site are struggling with ideas of suicide and when their pain gets overwhelming it becomes easier to forget that there are people who would be devastated at the loss of them. You said ...
“ the persons who are standing so close and love you the most are also the persons who got hurt the most... you are also feeling so guilty and cruel that you could not help save her.” Its easy to think no one will care. xo