Stupid therapists…

My therapist of 2+ years triggered me big time the other day. I finally brought up the subject of how I feel ashamed of my core personality. After a couple of minutes of talking about that, I felt like I'd said all I had to say about it, for that moment, and wanted to jump to another and equally painful subject.
She interrupted me and told me I was being too "mechanical", jumping from subject to subject and thus relating to her as though she were a "machine" and I "ought to remember that she's a human being".
Seeing as two seconds ago I'd been telling her about the devastating effect of having my true self suppressed all these years, having her criticize the way I express myself was so triggering that I had to stop myself from crying and/or getting up and walking out.
At that moment I felt the trust, that took months and months to built with her, come crashing and suddenly I felt like I couldn't open up to her about anything anymore.
I never the less told her that and started acting cold and hostile and she looked pretty alarmed… I don't think she was expecting that at all.
After two years of pouring my guts out to her she doesn't seem to know me or understand how my mind works at all.

I know it's not her fault for not understanding and she told me she thought it was just for my own good her commenting on my way of talking… so that I won't scare other people away… I told her that scaring other people away wasn't an issue for me because with other people I just mirror their behavior whereas with her I try to be as close to real as I can be… She didn't believe me and said that "in her experience" the way patients relate to their therapists is similar to the way they relate to others… I kept arguing with her that I have a different personality with each person I'm with and they actually seem to like me just fine and if anything my problems with relationships is that I end up losing interest and avoiding them after a while… and she started arguing that this is probably in order to avoid being rejected first (probably true) and therefore I need to work on my social skills (yeah, kinda like anorexic people just need to go on a diet in order to rid themselves of the fear that others see them as fat, right?).

I tried explaining to her in vein that my problem isn't knowing how to ACT around people (she knows damn well that I have BPD for God's sake!) but how to be REAL with people and that this is something I ATTEMPT to be with HER!

This does not come naturally to me at all (duh) and a few years ago I wasn't even able to FEEL my emotions at all for that matter and wasted two years with a previous shrink who would repeatedly ask me stupidly "so how did that make you feel?" or "how do you feel about this?". They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same action several times and expecting different results… well after the 10 zillionth time in which she's ask me that and I'd always reply with "I don't know/ I'm not sure" I realized this wasn't working and switched therapists… when the next one started doing the same I took a two year break.

Nowadays I'm way, way, way better than I was back then and by some miracle can now understand and actually put a name to different emotions and understand what I really felt about this or that 90% of the time but it still requires a lot of work and I often NEED to be "mechanical" about it… so it's like what she was saying is that despite the progress; it's not "OK" for my brain to not work like a normie brain.

Ya know, I know that my mind is messed up and difficult to understand and that if one could take a picture of it, it'd look like this really nasty, weird thing… but when I'm trying to be more real I don't need feedback like that from the person I thought I could feel safe with for so long.

She also said something odd: that while most patients try to blur the border between therapist and patient, thinking that they and their shrinks can somehow be friends, with me I "go to the other extreme" by relating to her "like a machine". I tried explaining to her, not for the first time, that I feel more comfortable not thinking of my therapist as a human being because it makes the whole process a lot easier for me (if that weren't the case I'd just dump on my friends and not seek professional help at all). If anything, though I didn't mention this, every little tid bit of information she's told me about herself so far makes me a tad uncomfortable. If I know too much about her personality I may just end up mirroring her instead of being real or at least not being able to connect to my true feelings in sessions out of fear of her emotional reaction to them. So I tried arguing this with her and she just kept arguing back.

I realize she means well and certainly didn’t mean any harm but…this is a cross between invalidation, disrespect of what I have to say (not to mention calling me a liar about my relationships with others) and a demonstration that after all this time of spilling my guts to her she still doesn’t get me… and if a professional whom I've talked to about everything for so long isn't able to understand that who the hell ever will?!

Sorry for the long, long rant. I thought I'd feel differently about this after a while but so far the anger has dissipated, I've tried seeing it from her point of view and understanding where she came from (and trying my best to not blacklist her)– and yet it still feels like hell.

I don't want to blacklist her, lose trust in her or leave her but I don't know how to get past this because for the past two days I've been feeling like such a piece of $#%^ and like a total nothing. Obviously I'll have to have a long talk with her about all this next time but I'm so scared of what she'll say cuz if she still doesn't get it and invalidates me one more time I think I'll just rip her head off…

Sorry again for the long rant, I know I'm over reacting. The problem is that I can't STOP over reacting.

You're not over reacting, this a real problem that you have and you deserve to have it treated with respect. It's good that you want to talk about it with her again, you could maybe write it down and give her a letter about all this (start from what you wrote here). Maybe she's "stuck in her ways" when it comes to how she sees certain things about patients. Other BPDs have said that they tend to mirror the behavior of the person they're around, by the way. It's understandable that you're trying to not see her as a person so that you won't have that happen. Maybe she could slowly change the way you interact with people, but, you're right, she has to be more understanding about what you're actually going through.

Ok.........you can't stop overreacting.

Can you minimize the damage overreacting can cause?

"this sucks" but you don't have to think about it all day.

"my therapist isn't as good as i wanted to believe" ok, but perhaps you're complicated and as much as you're trying to learn about you in your sessions, she is also trying to learn about you.
She isn't in your head..........and her interactions with you, aren't a test on a piece of paper.

She invalidated your feelings...........because she didn't realise she was doing so. She thought she was holding you to account.........doing her job, the way she thought best.

If your therapist never upsets you or does anything wrong...........then they're either the worst therapist in the world or the best.


I get that you get that............but it's an important point.

and if a professional whom I've talked to about everything for so long isn't able to understand that who the hell ever will?!

Perhaps one you talk with for 3 years. (this one)

Also........she doesn't have to get you. She has to help you get you.

Her failing to understand you here...........has helped you understand you here.

You mentioned treating her like a machine.........but you're not treating her like a machine. You're treating her like some sort of "master" person.........that is completely safe.

She isn't completely safe. And you're angry because you've witnessed it.

She did to you...........the worst thing she could, she let you down when you least wanted her to.

The point is...........the problem is, that this is when we need to minimize the damage this causes our relationships the most.

In these circumstances............that we find unbearable.


A real breakthrough..........would be if you didn't go to her and talk about this next week. If you didn't seek reassurance and validation for yourself or try and exact penance from her.

Do it next week. Wait a week. Give yourself a whole week...........to break this cycle.


I know you want to get back there right now............and argue and analyze and make everything better right this second. But that's part of the problem. That's the biggest part of the problem.......our need to control our emotions, by controlling the world around us. Regardless of what it is in the world.........in this case your therapist's opinion.

You're not over reacting, this a real problem that you have and you deserve to have it treated with respect

You are overreacting. That's why you're in therapy.

And i'm sure your therapist treats you with respect 99% of the time. I doubt you'd have lasted if she didn't.

So don't get lost in the black and whitness of this.

She invalidated you..........in that moment.

She didn't treat you the exact right way to give you what you wanted..........in that moment.


But those are just moments. You've mentioned in your post how you're much better than you were by "some miracle".

Does your therapist deserve zero credit? Do you ?

You can handle this. As you mentioned...........you are much better.

THis doesn't have to derail you. You feel CRAZY..........but getting through these feelings...........without giving in to damaging behaviours to cope. (escalating anger, purposely sabotaging relationships, devaluation)

is what you're trying to achieve.

This incident............is a perfect chance to grow.

Thanks guys for your posts and validation

Twistedmister, I know you're right about how my therapist wouldn't have said anything if she had known she was invalidating me… I was surprised by your "master" comment but when I think about it, it does feel right… maybe I don't see her so much as a master in the sense of having to serve her (maybe even quite the opposite) but I suppose I attribute omnipotent and all-knowing abilities to her. I guess I basically expect her to be able to always know exactly what to say and what not to say as though she knows everything and can read minds… or can never be wrong… and therefore can be "blamed" for getting things wrong…

Maybe that's a basic problem with BPD relationships… seeing the other person as a far wiser and more powerful parental/godlike being who can do anything and ought to know everything and thus – can be blamed for anything… and anything they say wrong was probably on purpose because they can't possibly make mistakes being godlike and all… maybe that's what B&W thinking is all about – seeing the other person as inhuman in an either a godlike or satanic sense… and maybe mirroring basically comes from assuming that what the other person thinks/feels is probably "the right" way of thinking or feeling because they're clearly superior…

It's like: "the way the other person sees the world is the 'correct' way of seeing the world" – or at least until the other person's world view seems invalidating and then you have to fight for your very existence because you made the mistake of trusting him or her with your very soul…

The thing about calming yourself down and giving the other person slack though, is that then part of you feels like you're "surrendering" and letting it get invalidated or something.

OK, sorry for getting so carried away, after your post I started brain storming… 8-s

At this point I'm already off of my "high" from when I first wrote the post but I think I should probably still give some serious thought to when and how it'll be best to talk to her about it. I'll try to make sure that I'm really emotionally "ready" to deal with any reaction she may have (especially "wrong" ones ). I won't avoid going at all this week though because if anything she seemed worried that I might not show up next time and I think not doing so might be even more upsetting to her than anything I might say… and I can talk about other stuff instead (and I don't feel like killing her anymore so it should be OK ).

Thanks again for all the awesome advice

Nice brainstorm, Shaky! I'm glad things are making more sense to you now, it helps to think and realize stuff about yourself. I hope she will understand when you express your feelings to her.

ShakyCore wrote:Maybe that's a basic problem with BPD relationships… seeing the other person as a far wiser and more powerful parental/godlike being who can do anything and ought to know everything and thus – can be blamed for anything… and anything they say wrong was probably on purpose because they can't possibly make mistakes being godlike and all… maybe that's what B&W thinking is all about – seeing the other person as inhuman in an either a godlike or satanic sense… and maybe mirroring basically comes from assuming that what the other person thinks/feels is probably "the right" way of thinking or feeling because they're clearly superior…

It's like: "the way the other person sees the world is the 'correct' way of seeing the world" – or at least until the other person's world view seems invalidating and then you have to fight for your very existence because you made the mistake of trusting him or her with your very soul…

Ok this blew my mind. O_O