Treatment for abandonment?

I have abandonment issues. I have not been diagnosed with BPD (was told I didn't have "enough" of the DSM criteria to qualify) but after much research, learning and self reflection...I can see that it's always been an issue from me and not just simply a result of my relationship/break-up with my ex-bf (NPD/BPD). The craziness I endured with him in our relationship I had NEVER experienced before, but the abandonment fears with others were there before.

I have been going to a therapist but we've spent most of the time talking about how this or that "makes me feel" vs actually doing anything. I don't know, perhaps this is what therapy is? I enjoy being able to talk with someone without worrying too much that I am driving them crazy or that they think I'm crazy BUT I am ready to actually DO something BESIDES talk.

I get caught up in my head with my own thoughts. I know that. I try really hard not to but it's something that I have to work at if I don't want to. So all this talking...I don't know if it's helping or hurting. I've read a little bit about DBT and CBT but I'm not sure the therapist will be on board with that since I'm officially not BPD diagnosed?

I can't repeat the same relationship mistakes going forward. I'm ready to continue moving on but I know realistically the abandonment issue will follow me wherever and with whoever. I feel a sense of urgency to get this under control because I don't want to damage others around me, especially any child or children in my life/future.

So, how exactly does one treat (or dare I hope...cure?) abandonment fears?

Hi,

Talking about it with your therapist can help you become more aware of your behavior, so that you can try to change it when you feel that a pattern is about to repeat itself.

In schema therapy they say that persons with an abandonment problem will typically choose unstable significant others, such as uncommitted or unavailable partners, who are a highly likely to abandon them. They usually have intense chemistry with these partners, and often fall obsessively in love.

You need to look at why you get involved with the people you do? Countering your schema-driven attraction to instability, and learn to walk away from unstable relationships quickly and to become more comfortable in stable relationships.

You do this through awareness of the problem (practicing mindfulness may help as would gaining insight through talking with your therapist about it), challenging any irrational thoughts (try CBT therapy, plenty of resources online on how to challenge self-defeating beliefs and replace these thoughts with more helpful thoughts), and behaviour modification.

Here are some suggestions on thought challenging when it comes to abandonment issues-

You may need to challenge specific thoughts you have in relation to abandonment. Develop more realistic thoughts about the stability of relationships. Challenge irrational thoughts related to the chance of a reliable significant other leaving you, and what that would ultimately mean for you?

Look at your strengths and weaknesses and realize that ultimately you can cope on your own.

Dispute thoughts where you analyse the other’s behaviour as a sign that they are about to abandon- is there another way you can view the situation? Perhaps you are catastrophising/over-reacting i.,e cognitive distortions? (Thinking about how you feel and how the other person might be feeling promotes mentalization which can be helpful in borderline type symptoms).

Practice recognizing when you are catastrophizing about temporary separations from significant others.

Challenge thoughts/unrealistic expectations that significant others should be endlessly available and totally consistent.

Are there any other any other underlying schemas at play eg Subjugation fearing that if you do
not do what the other person wants, then he or she will leave you? Challenge any thoughts that you may have that you must do what other people want you to do or else you are going to be left.

Do you have issues with dependency/incompentence that if the other person leaves, you will be unable to function in the world on your own? Do you feel defective in some ways- do you believe the other person will find out how defective you are and will leave? Challenge any thoughts you may have that you are incompetent, and need other people to take care of you; or that you are defective, and other people will inevitably find out and leave you.

Look at ways you might be trying to control, cling to or manipulate another- challenge your behaviours. Learn to stop pushing partners away with behaviors that are too jealous, clinging, angry, or controlling. Learn to accept that other people have the right to set limits and establish separate space.

When the feelings of abandonment/fear arise in you, sit with that feeling, breath with it and let it pass through you without trying to react to it or act on it. Practice acceptance of the physical sensations/emotions tied in with abandonment. (There are specific techniques in ACT therapy that might help).

Try to challenge yourself to be alone for extended periods of time without giving into the urge to reach out immediately and connect to someone (and practice acceptance of the thoughts and feelings such as anxiety and depression that may arise when apart from that person- mindfulness techniques might work here).

Recognise any OCD type symptoms like obsessive thinking and focus on the person and making sure they are still there. Distraction/hobbies, distraction and self-soothing techniques from DBT might be helpful. Shifting your attention to another activity is helpful.

Behaviorally, focus on choosing partners who are capable of making a commitment. Think about the type of qualities you want in a partner. Think before you act/ get over-involved with someone. Try not to be ruled by "emotion mind" as they say in DBT. Make decisions through Wise mind.

Sometimes we can only rely on therapy so much. Therapists can really help, but becoming your own expert can also do wonders. There's alot you can try, it's just a matter of searching for the right help, self-help and working hard at it.
Good luck!

Wow pancake, thanks for that... Just randomly loggin on and this is so helpuf to me right now... Makes me think... Dunno if it will change anything though, but makes me think, thanks

immortelle wrote:Wow pancake, thanks for that... Just randomly loggin on and this is so helpuf to me right now... Makes me think... Dunno if it will change anything though, but makes me think, thanks

You're welcome. There's never an easy fix, but thinking about things in a different way, and reinforcing the habit of thinking in a different way can help. It's making the behavioral changes that's the hard part

great post. : )

............

Rage. Rage is a good way to cope with rejection. Atleast temporarily.

Devaluation..........that also works well temporarily.

But those are weapons we're all equipped with here........


I think courage is the most important component of any coping technique.

Regardless of what you believe.........all that matters is that you believe it. Changing those beliefs.........requires your replacing one belief with another.

So courage..........for all, comes in the form of understanding. Like with all these techniques you've talked about and listed..........the reason those work amazingly well for some and don't work at all for others...........is one's own belief in their validity. (courage)


For me............understanding what is at the root, of why a person values anything.........is a first step into summoning up the courage to address my own beliefs about my own values.

(in this case, the value i place on the person who i feel rejected/abandoned me)


It helps me dial down............the intense idealisation i have, about the nature of our relationship. Especially the unrealistic expectation.........that it will never end. Because of course, all relationships do.


Realising where my value of anything comes from (emotion+reason) helps me to understand the basic nature of the equation at work.

The very fact that i have such intense "disordered" emotions............helps me to have the courage to believe, in my understanding of what emotions are. Where they come from.............(if you don't believe in evolution, that might be a tricky concept!)

But yeah........seeing my emotions, as the evolutionary adaptation they are...........understanding where that adaptation came from...........helps me to de-mystify feeling.

Which in turn, helps me to de-mystify and de-deify my own feelings.

Undertanding the irrationality of feeling........(that is, the irrationality of placing such importance on any specific feeling)................allows me to alleviate the delusional aspect of any situation i am in.


Since we know emotion+reason= value............understanding the malleable and random nature of emotion.......is the key to unlocking the fallability in the validity of sticking to any such value.

Our values are our emotions. Our reason, can only be experienced through our emotions.....it can only be formed, from emotion.

So it's all really just a cycle........ I fear things, love things, because of my understanding of them. My belief in my understanding of them, comes from the emotional connect i have in the validity of that understanding.

So whether i think i'm being abandoned or not........is the exact same as whether or not i feel abandoned or not.


I can soothe myself by understanding the reasons why my fears are delusional in the sense that i have a disorder.

Or i can soothe myself by understanding the reasons why fears are delusional.........in the sense that any value, could be considered delusional.


Understanding the basic and inherent irrationality of thought...........any thought, helps me to find the courage to tackle unpleasant thoughts, all the easier.

So in that way...........feelings of being abandoned, can be tackled on both the "i have BPD" front and the "i can change my mind about anything" front.

As since it's illogical to feel any particular way about any particular thing.........as there is no logic..........then there is no reason, to hold any beliefs.

So a person can have the courage to feel how they want about anything they want, whenever they want...........as their is no value in anything, other than the value you yourself place on anything.

Right, wrong.......good and bad. These things are all equally right and wrong good and bad.

It's all how we feel about them. We have many different reasons for our feelings........some we deem to be more important and some less.............cultivating the courage to be able to choose, however that choice manifests itself........is all that life is.

The only difference between a person and a rock.........is that a person believes there is a difference.
The only similarity between a person and a rock........is that a person believes there is a similarity.

1. It could be said...........that people aren't rocks.
2. It could also be said.....that people are rocks.
3.It could also be said.........that people both are rocks and aren't rocks.
4.It could also be said.........that people are and also aren't........both rocks and not rocks.

In the case of 1. Well, i'm sure we all agree people aren't rocks. Rocks don't type.

In the case of 2. The universe is just a giant soup of molecules. Everything is connected to everything else, by the very definiton of their being anything. There could be no tall people, if there were no short people. The difference between any 2 things, is actually just a relationship between those 2 things.
What am I? Am i my arm? Am i my leg? Am i my thoughts?

What makes me me, is that i am not the things i think i am not. I am not you, therefore i am me. I am not my computer, therefore i am me...........when really, it could be said that i'm just a collection of molecules that is connected to all the other molecules in existence. That existence itself, is connected to non-existence......through the difference between the two.

It's like if a person was looking out at a storm........and saw 2 tornadoes. A person could say "there are 2 tornadoes".........and that would be true. But another person, could just see wind. As that's what tornadoes are. That would also be true.


In the case of 3. we've already established that people aren't rocks in 1. And we've already established that people are rocks in 2. So we know that people both are and aren't rocks.

In the case of 4. We've established that people are rocks 1. and aren't rocks 2.
And are both rocks and not rocks 3.

It could be said, that people are rocks and aren't rocks.......and are both rocks and not rocks........and are both rocks and not rocks aswell as being NOT both rocks and not rocks.

Because in the case of 4..........being NOT both rocks and not rocks...................is derived from the understanding, that there is no difference between 1. 2. 3. or 4.

That the difference between 1. 2. 3. 4. Is derived from the understanding of 1. and 2. and 3. and their components.

All 4 explanations.........are both valid and invalid. All 4 explanations are equally the same as they are different.


If you don't fully grasp Madhyamaka philosophy............that's alright.


The point i'm trying to make.............is that all things are subject to our interpretation.

Just as we use DBT and CBT and any other therapy, to shape our emotion...........we can also shape our understanding of the nature of reality. Our understanding is the nature of reality.


So when i do feel abandoned...............i do try to see why i'm usually irrationally overreacting...........but i can and do also try, seeing my being abandoned as not such a bad thing.
You don't have to feel bad about feeling bad.

Feeling bad, isn't bad..........it's just a feeling.

So attacking the fear/pain of abandonment..............on 2 different levels........can be useful if one approach isn't working or if one is in a different "mood/personality" and can't access the preferred approach as easily.

Having courage (confidence) in as many approaches as possible.........lends to an even greater ability to control some aspect of what can seem uncontrollable.

Pancakes...WOW, thank you so much for the suggestions & input. It is appreciated and has given me a stepping stone. All of this PD stuff can be...well...IS overwhelming for me. At times I wish I would just fit properly into a "category" so I accurately could fix my issue. Or not at all fit into any! It's my process improvement brain at work. Define, Measure,etc... But I am beginning to realize that even if I don't "fit" all the criteria or even what's described as abandonment, the underlying issue & root cause is still there. And that can be worked on.

For me, I like my alone times. My abandonment issue is two fold. One part is me pushing away people who are what many would describe as "nice" to me. (not my ex bf ... lol) At times, I think I push them away to see if they come back. If they do, they passed the "will not abandon me" test. If they don't, they failed the test and I have proven myself "right." The other part is when relationships change - - as they can & do over time -- I have a really hard time accepting that. Even IF it's something that I rationally KNOW is for the right reasons or by my choice. But it's then that my black/white, all/nothing thinking comes into play.

My relationship with my ex bf (NPD/BPD) triggered my abandonment issue like nothing else. Every 6-8 weeks, like clock work, he'd break up with me. Most times, it would only be for a few hours or maybe a day before he'd come apologizing and desperately "needing" me back. In the time we were together, only once did I go to him after one of these break-ups to "win" him back. In the beginning of our relationship, even though at that time I already had developed strong feelings for him, I didn't feel abandoned like I would have in years past with other people. Most of those times, when he did leave BECAUSE of how he left or what did/said prior to leaving or while we were broken up...I truly didn't want him back. And I felt relieved. I took him back because he said he loved me, because I didn't want to be a "quitter" (what he'd say to me) or because he'd say I was abandoning HIM!? I thought I had worked through the whole abandonment feelings years ago, to be honest. But oddly enough, as time went on in THIS relationship and I began to really see that he was NOT a good person, that he treated me horribly and he would continue to leave...THAT is when I would feel abandoned. CRAZY!! It's like I had become conditioned (or conditioned myself by allowing him to come back) to being abandoned UNTIL it did hurt or until I felt abandoned. Maybe because it was familiar of how I felt years before and in my childhood. It's bizarre and not quite sure I am/can articulate it properly. The problem is, I feel like now that wound of abandonment is open full bore in all areas of my life. I need to get it back to where it was prior to the ex bf.

Anyway, sorry for all the extra info that you didn't need or want to know! lol I need to step away from the keyboard so I can think quietly alone vs blurting/typing it all out.

Again, much appreciation for your posts!

Twisted...thank you for your reply!!

You make an interesting point about confidence. I think part of the problem for me, right now, is that I don't have the confidence that we (therapist & myself) are using right now. The 100% focus on "how did this, that and the other make you feel?" Perhaps if I better understood how that approach is going to help, I would have more confidence in this whole process. I mean, I could easily list out all the reasons why abandoment is an issue for me. That part is no mystery to me. I haven't discovered any topics where that question (how does that make you feel) was a surprise to me so it feels redundant because I've felt or been there in my head a zillion times over.

Do you really believe it's an "unrealistic expectation" that all relationships end? I mean, I feel that way if you mean end by death. But other than that, I honestly don't feel that way. I get that some friendships come/go over time or co-worker relationships often wane off when someone changes jobs/locations etc... But I don't know how a romantic relationship for me, at this point in my life (that is what I want - that ONE person - the RIGHT person - for the long haul - - getting gray hair together, rocking chairs on the porch stuff) would be successful if I went into it thinking that it will end (other than death)? It's not that I deify the other person, but moreso BELIEVE what they say...that they want the same forever relationship as well. And I usually take great care and time before committing to a relationship to better know that the other person is looking for the same.

I actually think I do get what you're saying about the rocks, people and interpretation (although, no, I have not studied the philosophy you referenced). I'm curious, though. When you mention "you don't have to feel bad about feeling bad" and "feeling bad is just a feeling" ... are you just telling yourself in your head that it's just a feeling, don't feel bad or is there more to it? Because I can/have done that...but the other, bad feeling, supercedes the rational talk that I'm trying to do in my mind. That's where I get trapped.

Back-up approaches, different levels. I like that.

Do you really believe it's an "unrealistic expectation" that all relationships end? I mean, I feel that way if you mean end by death

So what's the difference then?

If they end by death or they end by something else?

Does that difference........matter to anyone but you?

are you just telling yourself in your head that it's just a feeling, don't feel bad or is there more to it?

All feelings are just in your head. All feelings are just feelings.

So "just" is an interpretation of the validity of your own inner monologue. Is something "just" happening in your head? Is everything "just" happening in your head? Where else do things happen?

Why are some things that happen in your head more than "just" and other things less than "just" happening in your head.




It's not don't feel bad.........it's don't feel bad about feeling bad.

Appreciate feeling bad.

Appreciate that you are trying to appreciate feeling bad.

So in the moment of pain or depression or whatever..........find some refuge in the idea, that you are searching for refuge inside yourself.

It's all about perspective. Take whatever perspective works best in the moment. The act of even questioning your perspective........can help alleviate the totality of those negative feelings.


Failure is good when you see it as good. Failure is bad when you see it as bad.

Even if you've failed in every moment up until this one........you can attempt to get it right, right now.