Fear of Rejection/Abandonment

My best friend abandoned me last year out of the blue. No warning. Just complete no contact. It was one of the worst blows of my life.

My first crush occurred last year as well, she rejected me when I asked if she wanted to hang out after months of being horseback riding partners. I attempted suicide not long afterwards.

I fear, chronicly, that my therapist doesn't care about me and will get rid of me or switch me to another therapist.

And now... I met this girl on a dating website and we've been talking over text for a few weeks now. I asked if she wanted to meet up this upcoming week. But I have social anxiety problems and I'm really nervous about it. Not knowing what to say and such. I'm also nervous that she'll reject me for being ugly or being too boring. My therapist is worried about how I will react to rejection if it happens, because last time I was rejected, I went out of my right mind. I don't think that would happen this time, because I don't really know this chick yet. The horseback riding partner, I fell in love with. This chick, I just really like and hope to further get to know. I'm just worried about the inevitable blow to my self-esteem that will come along with rejection if it happens. And lets face it. It will.

I don't know why I think I will get rejected. I just feel like I'm so ugly. Even though she already saw pictures of me, I start thinking that I look uglier in person. I know I'm boring and shy upon first meeting someone. Or I feel like she's a fairweather bisexual. Like, just testing the waters and then she won't be attracted to me and dump me and cut off contact.

How do other BPD'ers handle the threat of rejection or abandonment?

Try telling yourself repeatedly that you're perfect and if she rejects you that'll be because there's something seriously wrong with her.

The point here is not to be "realistic" but to combat the inner demons that keep telling you the opposite of the above statement and are the real problem here.

You can try practicing this mantra on the previous rejections and see how it feels.

Regardless of that – good luck on your date

Thanks for the advice, ShakyCore.

It shouldn't be too hard to try to convince myself that I'm perfect, I tend to use elitism as a coping mechanism when I feel my self-esteem is being threatened. Its just... rejection is my biggest fear. Way above the fear of death. That's the problem. I just hope all goes well on this date.

I really think I developed social anxiety because of this fear of rejection. BLAH. Why can't I just be normal?

Try this:


What is it about rejection your fear?

1. (your answers)


What is it about your answers, that you don't like?

2. (your answers)


And the further you keep breaking things down............eventually you'll just get to a "feeling".

So really..........you aren't afraid of being rejected.........you're afraid of feeling bad.

You're afraid of not being able to control how long that bad feeling lasts or how intense it is.


What are feelings? Where do they come from? Are they magical? Mystical?

Or are they the result of biological/chemical processes in the brain.


Once you get down to the basic science of it..............you're afraid that your brain is going to release chemicals you don't like. That is what you know as rejection.


It helps to keep things realistic. The person rejecting you isn't magical..........and your feelings aren't either. They're just feelings........you don't have to honour them like they're truth. They just are.

The meaning you attach to them.........are what gives them their power.


You don't think you'll feel as bad this time.........because you don't think you care about this girl as much as the last one.

YOU.......are the reason that is. Because YOU feel that way.

YOU could also not feel that way..........and that would make sense to YOU to.

Because they are YOUR feelings.

YOURS........you own them. They're hard for you to control............but how does one control anything?

Understanding.


If you wanted to control me..........it would be very hard. As you don't know anything about me.

If you spent a year with me..........you'd probably have a better shot at controlling me. A much better one.


Your feelings are no different.

You just take them for granted.......as they are yours. But don't take them for granted, what causes them. Your understanding can deepen. Just because you've been feeling all your life, doesn't mean you know everything about feelings.
I've been driving for 13 years.........i don't know anything about cars.

When you look at another person.........a million different things are happening. You aren't just looking at another person.

Looking at other people.......probably seems like a pointless thing to think about. As looking at other people doesn't cause you harm.

But your feelings do.........so understanding the mechanics of how they work and the nature of what they are................can help you, break them down into more manageable components.


That's the key to getting over anything..........is breaking it down.

Break it down and down and down.............so it doesn't have to be so alarming to you. Take it one step at a time.


Give your self the ability to say "no" . Because you can say no...........you don't have to feel anyway about anything. It just so happens through a bunch of random events, you do.
You ended up feeling the way you do, about everything that you do.

But it isn't because that's the way it has to be or is supposed to be.........it's just the way it is now. And that can change.

You're trying to affect that change in regards to your feelings about rejection............but affecting that change in regards to your feelings about FEELINGS.........can help you more positively address your feelings about rejection.


So to address your feelings about rejection....................understand more about FEELINGS and REJECTION and YOU. You don't know enough about all 3 things. Because if you did, you wouldn't have as big a problem with any of the three. : )

My moods have been all over the place. Changing so quickly, minute by minute, that I actually don't have time to act out how I'm feeling. I feel schizo, I swear to God!

Earlier I was very energetic and daydreaming about my future career as a psychologist.

Now, I feel extremely depressed because my crush hasn't been texting me at all. I'm starting to feel like she's abandoning me... I can't go through this. I just can't. The only reason I would still live is if I have someone to love me.