Questions from BPD to Nons

I just thought it would be interesting to hear a bit more from Nons and Normies about how their minds work and what it's like for them to NOT have BPD or any PD for that matter.

A friend of mine told me the other day that she read somewhere that non-disordered people are only able to hear the actual words other people say and don’t usually look for or pick up on innuendoes and hidden meanings.
I must say that I am having a hard time fully believing this because to me that's as shocking and bewildering as hearing that when most people look at the view all the see are trees and houses with a white backdrop and don’t see the scenery at all

So if there's anyone here who is at least 99% sure they count as normal, I would appreciate if you could confirm or deny this… even though I have a hard time believing it, if it IS true that would explain many breakdowns in communication I've had with non-disordered folks and why people with various types of disorders always felt so much more real for me.


P.S. I am not talking about those of you who suffer from Codependency (which really ought to have its own section here somewhere).

Hi ShakyCore,

What do you mean by "innuendoes and hidden meanings"?
Do you mean sexual innuendoes? Funny double-entendres or puns? Or do you mean hidden intentions, like when a person is deliberately misleading?

I'm not 99% sure I count as normal - I'm not sure anyone counts as normal! But I'm not diagnosed with a PD if that helps.

Some people do take others' words very literally, and are not aware that what's been said could be a lie, a metaphor, or sarcasm. I have heard that autistic people, including those with Asperger's Syndrome, often have this difficulty.

Some people may have trust, anxiety or paranoia issues and may think there are hidden meanings behind everyone's words.

I would guess that 'normal' people could fit anywhere between these two extremes, maybe depending upon how skilled they are at empathising with others.

Hi,

What I meant was more like reading between the lines of what the other person is saying in an attempt to understand what, if anything, lies behind what he/she is saying.

It's something like hidden intentions only not just in the negative sense.

All the people I deal with socially I approach from the philosophy assuming WYSIWYG, both my perception of them, and my presentation of myself. I don't have a "persona".

In business, I dress nicely to convey an image of professionalism, which is critical for success. My actions and words, however, reinforce this image, so it is authentic rather than contrived. Each new person I meet I assume is WYSIWYG. A mentor told me that he trusts a person until they demonstrate otherwise, advice that I follow.

If I encounter resistance from a businessperson with whom I am working, I go into an observational and inquiry mode, not jumping to a conclusion, merely gathering information to try to understand the other's POV. If these observations indicate irrational or contradictory reasons are behind the potentially conflicting objectives, that's where I begin digging for hidden agendas so I can determine how to progress to be successful, ideally but not always, to mutual benefit. Win-win is good karma and good business.

That's a really nice philosophy and mentor you have, realitycheque having spent my life watching my mother ruin hers with her paranoid delusions, I am also a strong believer in giving the other person the benefit of the doubt… I am not exactly talking about taking people at face value either though.

What I'm failing to convey here is the very fact that I often fail to convey what I really mean when talking to healthy people… why this never works with normies yet often works with abinormies is beyond me…

I'm not sure I'm the best "Non" to answer these questions since I have been told by my therapist that I have certain BPD traits. And yes, I do read into things and over-analyze things to death. I wish I wasn't like this, and I know that there are plenty of people out there who do not do this.

For example:
The other day my BF told me not to drive to see him on his birthday because it was snowing and he was worried about road conditions. From that statement, I immediately concluded he didn't want to see me when in reality he was just concerned for my safety.

Does that sound like what you're referring to when you say finding "hidden meanings" behind everything?

Based on what I've read in posts, I think BPD/NPD/HPD folks imagine the scenery rather than really see it. This can be part of Cognitive Distortions, the mind's making more (or less) out of something than is truly present. This can set off a chain of inaccurate thought events that can lead to pretty grand misunderstandings at later stages (conclusions) unless those assumptions are checked against reality along the way.

Disclaimer: I'm a Non but definitely not a Normie.

My feeling is that Normies don't take everything at face value and are able to pick up innuendos and hidden meanings. However, I think they make these decisions rather quickly and just trust their intuition rather than being inclined to over-analyze.

Ah, thanks AIAtbar, that is what I meant.

Well I can understand why normies would trust their intuition more seeing as they would have no reason to distrust it as much as those of us who's insides aren't what you can call trustworthy

It's nice that there is so much literature out there about all the different PD so that ordinary folks can understand us better but it would also be nice if someone could write one or two books about how the normie mind works for the opposite reason.

It's just not true that "normal" people don't look for innuendos or hidden meanings or things like that. They're much less likely to imagine them than disordered persons. It just doesn't make sense to think of the disorder as an ability to see something normal people don't because it's actually an inability to distinguish reality from imagination. Many disorders have a component or paranoia or sensitivity to rejection or things like that - I know I myself have that - and I'm almost always making stuff up to feed my (disordered) sense that I'm deserving of rejection, not respect.

Bottom line: if it's actually there, a "normal" will often be able to see it. If it's not, a "normal" will be unlikely to imagine it.