Time to move on

Hello Everyone,

I just recently joined the forum here because my girlfriend and I believe that I have some type of a disorder (I have been diagnosed for ADHD though). I was verbally abused throughout my childhood and was raised by two raging alcoholics. I have seen my share of drama and have experienced what its like to want it all to end/almost follow through.

I guess what I am saying is that I do not trust doctors and therefore cannot get a diagnosis. When I was younger (9-15) my mother considered me her source of problems and pain and wanted me "fixed". In that time period she called the police on me for just getting into small arguments, must have been at least twenty times, but she would always be drunk and taking pills (did not know about the pills at the time). Finally I was arrested and I moved out with my father to his mother's old house a couple towns away. However, being my senior year I had to commute and I ended up losing all of my friends in my last year of high school, still do not have them back today or any new ones (besides my girlfriend, who I was with during all of my senior year) and I am a 4th year college student. I was brought to at least four different therapists and psychiatrists during this time, I was almost admitted to the hospital because they believed my anger was so bad (due to the police calls constantly). Through this I have lost faith in the medical field and doctors in general. I was a straight A student graduated in the top ten percent of my class but they could never see my side of each story she made. Now, my primary care doctor just up and left all of his patients, my Psychiatrist basically asks me what medications I want to be on based on the last three months of prescriptions. I have gone from Cymbalta to Lexapro to Clonazepam and now Clonazepam with Adderall, there seems to be no technique here.

When I was on the anti depressants I stopped caring about school and did horrible, and this has continued onto a third semester. I have now gotten Academic Probation and cannot afford another bad semester, which starts in a week or so. Also I am only three semesters from graduating college and being done with the whole situation. However, if I do not graduate college I may lose my girlfriend who I have had for over four years now. She has basically kept me from ending it all and her and I are beginning to start a life together which is something I need to move on from my past.

So to my "symptoms" if they are anything at all. I have commitment problems with everyday things, such as going to dinner with her family or working. These types of things bring me severe anxiety and I can only handle them with Clonazepam in hand. I have fits of anger, but do not hurt anyone or anything...more of just an anger that needs to be let out and they are usually sparked from nothing or something insignificant. I have severe back spasms and back pain, knee pain and constant ankle pain with swelling. Today for instance, I could not last more than an hour at work due to back spasms. Yes, I am overweight but at the age of 21 having all of these problems seems unlikely to be caused by my weight. I have also began to not care about anything besides my relationship with my girlfriend, it seems to be the only thing that is working in my life right now. (When I lived with my parents it was school I focused on and did very well in high school because of it). I have depression on a daily basis and sometimes cannot get out of bed because the world seems like its too much to handle and I would rather just not deal with it.

As I said earlier, I am currently on Adderall and Clonazepam. I also drink somewhat regularly and have picked up cannabis which definitely helps with all my symptoms but I cannot use it before class or anything so it has its limitations. I also would like to find a real medication to help me that I can have prescribed, I want everything to work out and it just seems to be getting worse day by day. At this point, living without any of these is not a bearable thought.

I do not know what I expect out of this, but any aid or information would be very much appreciated. I can supply more information if necessary as well, or even answer any questions. I want to move on from my past, my mind has already forced me to forget most of my childhood (probably as a coping mechanism), I just need to keep moving forward. The reason why I posted this on this forum is because in searching for an answer, we discovered this disorder and I fit into a lot of the criteria. I have severe pain problems, but they may be triggered by a mental illness and I obviously cannot make progress on the pain, so this year I vowed to work on my mental well being.

-CptShz


P.S. Due to the lack of trust between doctors and I, I tend to not tell them everything that happens in my life. It seems like they just want the session to be over, not take care of their patients. My girlfriend does not know about this, I want to work on my health without putting more on her plate, she does enough for me.

Hello,

When I read the title of your thread, I believed that this was going to be an account of a person who had 'recovered' and was just indicating his/her respective success. However, I can see that it's about a young man struggling at the very beginning of his 'road to recovery'. No matter ... I'll just give you more attention than I would have the 'successful' story!

I was going to say that you seem lost to me, but maybe that's not that right word. Do you feel lost? You seem depressed - certain - and maybe deflated in mood. Do'nt give-up on things before they have truly vanished from your life, right? Your relationship is still strong if you are willing to see it that way. You are still an intelligent young man too, despite what you feel within you.

You implied also that you struggle to 'seize the day' (...you didn't use these words exactly), but tell me how hard it would be to actually convert yourself into someone who does actually seize the day? ...What scares you about going to dinner with your girlfriend and her family? Given the opportunity, I'd say 'yes' in an instant to going. However, I used to be like you. I delayed everything and could never decide. I decided to change because delaying just ends-up depressing you, as you can clearly see in your own life. You don't have to buy a book to learn how to 'seize the day' - You have the intelligence to know what to do. When you are asked to do something, just do it and get it over with. If you make a fool of yourself, what would it matter? Smile, and get on with things.

Regarding doctors, I can admit that some aren't that great, but you don't know more than they do. As such, you should listen to what they say and be open about it. You can later decide if you want to apply their advice to your own life. Do'nt assume that all of them are bad based on one or more bad experiences.

Take care my friend,
Kevin