Has my fiance got BPD?

I think she shows some Histrionic tendencies too but I am beginning to come around to the idea that she is more Borderline than anything else.
My fiance is 29, we have known each other for 10 months and have been engaged for four of those. The troubles began not long after we moved in together. Before that, the only red flags I'd seen had been old self-harming marks all over her torso and arms,a propensity to flirt like I had never seen before...and her quite shocking temper. Aside from these, she is a *beautiful* and extremely sexy young woman who has carved out a good career in sales, owns two properties and a nice vehicle. She is, on the surface, doing very well for herself. I had assumed that, as her professional life seemed so 'sorted' and the self-harming marks were obviously from many years ago, that whatever *was* wrong wasn't wrong any longer.

Hmm.

She is a part-time actress and attends a lot of play readings, rehearsals and performances. She is forever getting text messages from male actors who she claims to be 'friends' with. She is also very close to an ex-lover who she calls her best friend. She has assured me that I have nothing to worry about and that she's just friendly. I know for a fact though, that when she flirts with these guys they think they are 'in there'. She gives them all the time in the world, doesn't cut them off once the initial banter gets more flirty and why on earth wouldn't these guys think that they were onto a winner when a beautiful, sexy girl is giving them all her attention? She stares at them with her killer eyes and plays with her hair etc. She always dresses very sexily, not sluttily - more of a 'classy' sexy but appealing to the opposite sex nontheless. She *always* looks like she is on her way to a party, with a nice dress on, nylons and high heels. Like I say, she doesn't dress tartily but she does dress sexily.


What got me to thinking 'Houston, we have a problem' is when I checked her phone one evening and the texts to her 'best friend' were of a sexual nature. They were both discussing the feelings they had for each other. I confronted her about this and she begged for my forgiveness. We split momentarily but I took her back on the strict prioviso that she ceased all communication with this 'friend'. The trouble is, she has been 'off' with me ever since. I am here feeling that she should be making me feel like a king and treating me fantastically yet she is the one who is acting like I have cheated on her. All affection has ceased, we don't make love and whenever I try to touch her she brushes me off. When I confronted her about her behaviour she just said that I wasn't making her feel loved. I tell her several times a day how gorgeous she is and how much I love her, yet apparently I am in the wrong.

On New Year's Eve I tried to make love to her and succeeded yet she acted really bizarrely and totally unloving. It was like sex with zero feelings, she didn't even open her eyes. She even asked that I tie her up and dominate her - this is something she has never asked for throughout pur whole relationship and it made me feel cheap. Not to mention the fact that several months ago she told me that she had had 90+ lovers! I just don't trust her now at all, even if she was all over me yet the fact she treats me like a worthless object makes me trust her even less.....still she does profess to love me and want to marry me!

I am now thinking that she is messed-up, seriously. Is she a sex-obsessed slut? Will she cheat and cheat again or am I onto someone with a fixation for mere flirting? I just don't know. She does lie and she fails to grasp any rational argument. I can explain my feelings to her until I'm blue in the face but she only ever sees her side of the story.

I think you may be looking for ways to rationalize her behavior. Nothing hear is really screaming BPD.

I think you should consider whether the relationship is worth it at this point.

You checked her phone

Doubtful you'll ever really trust her once the seeds of doubt have been planted. Also, doubtful you'll change her flirtatious ways. She may be pissed at you for going through her texts, and violating her trust.

I think you either need to accept her the way she is, or consider if this relationship is worth having, because I don't think she's going to change her ways.

Even if you knew for a fact that she was borderline then what?

I agree with the above. As it’s been mentioned a million times before, no one can diagnose your fiancé on this board. However, based on what you described I’m not seeing a Borderline trend. Self-harm is not exclusively BPD. She sounds like an over-achiever with low self-esteem. Her need for male attention would play into that. She’s behaving more like someone who has had an affair and now can’t stand to have sex with her current lover. (This is purely speculation.) She may still have feelings for you, but isn’t ready to end things or doesn’t want to be the one to break things off. The only one who knows what’s going on in her head is her.

Why did you feel it necessary to get engaged after 6 months? What’s the rush? I know that sometimes works out for people, but realistically that’s not long enough to truly know someone. As you’re finding out this is girl is not who you thought she was.

Have you thought why you might be so willing to move in with someone and commit the rest of your life to someone you barely know? That in itself seems like a red flag to me.

sunking101 wrote:I am now thinking that she is messed-up, seriously. Is she a sex-obsessed slut? Will she cheat and cheat again or am I onto someone with a fixation for mere flirting? I just don't know. She does lie and she fails to grasp any rational argument. I can explain my feelings to her until I'm blue in the face but she only ever sees her side of the story.

I went back and re-read... With the comments you wrote above do you really want to enter marriage with her, and have to potentially deal with the hassle and aggravation of divorce later?

It isn't just the fact she cheated and has shown me scant affection since, she is irrational in her thoughts and if faced with a perfectly normal reaction to one of her misguided opinions, she rages and blanks me. It's her way or the highway, she appears to have zero empathy or compassion and she never compromises. She lies all the time and rages all the time. She definitely has some kind of personality disorder, I'm just not sure which, She spent her teenage years in a mental institution and was labelled a psychopath at one stage according to her. She isn't now but she shows strong narcissistic traits and several other cluster Bs in my opinion.

sunking101 wrote:It isn't just the fact she cheated and has shown me scant affection since, she is irrational in her thoughts and if faced with a perfectly normal reaction to one of her misguided opinions, she rages and blanks me. It's her way or the highway, she appears to have zero empathy or compassion and she never compromises. She lies all the time and rages all the time. She definitely has some kind of personality disorder, I'm just not sure which, She spent her teenage years in a mental institution and was labelled a psychopath at one stage according to her. She isn't now but she shows strong narcissistic traits and several other cluster Bs in my opinion.

Sounds charming. I can see why you would want to marry her. So what disorder do you think you have?

We got engaged *before* she had an affair and *before* I had fully realised what I was getting into. We have no wedding date planned and unless she changes quite drastically to how she was in the first few months of the relationship, there will be no wedding and to be honest I am seriously contemplating finishing with her.

sunking101 wrote:We got engaged *before* she had an affair and *before* I had fully realised what I was getting into. We have no wedding date planned and unless she changes quite drastically to how she was in the first few months of the relationship, there will be no wedding and to be honest I am seriously contemplating finishing with her.

You never answered my question. Why did you feel the need to move in and propose marriage after knowing someone for only 6 months?

Although I think we experienced opposite sides of this dynamic, I agree completely with agirlbyanyothername. It doesn't really matter what she can or can't be diagnosed with now. She might be borderline, she might be histrionic, she might be dissociative, she might be a psychopath. Who cares? The real issue is that you fit the profile of a man falling into an abusive cluster-B type relationship and you're making all of the mistakes that go along with that profile. Get out of this. Stop thinking about her and think about yourself.

agirlbyanyothername wrote:

sunking101 wrote:We got engaged *before* she had an affair and *before* I had fully realised what I was getting into. We have no wedding date planned and unless she changes quite drastically to how she was in the first few months of the relationship, there will be no wedding and to be honest I am seriously contemplating finishing with her.

You never answered my question. Why did you feel the need to move in and propose marriage after knowing someone for only 6 months?

I got swept along by the whole thing. I'm late-30s and ready for marriage and kids I guess....with the right person of course. She was just *so* fantastic in the first few months that I thought I'd met 'the one'. It was she who suggested marriage and I thought that getting engaged would take our relationship to the next level. Yeah I rushed in but she was so loving and so perfect.