I want your opinions....

Hi please can I have your vote, yes or no on this Q.

Can a BPD ever live happily in a relationship, knowing they come 2nd?
Is it possible for us to handle that, long term?

The context is my BF has a son, who I have realised recently (regardless of BF saying we are joint first) that he will ALWAYS come first no matter how small the issue or how important the situation is to me, I literally have to wait until the son is not there and then I am important again.

I know this type of commitment (taking on someone elses son) is hard for anyone in a relationship, BDP or not, I know some manage it and some don't, other steer clear,

Is it something we should steer clear of because ultimately we need to feel like we come first???

Please answer, I really want your opinions.

read your other thread.

and to answer your question, yes it is possible. but that doesn't sound like BPD that you have going on, that sounds like you got relational issues.

if he is strait up ignoring you when his son is around maybe he has some issues himself? he may not be that normal on his own... I would think a normal guy would be able to balance the two. as the two don't seem to compete. if he is making a specific point at ignoring you while his son is around, I want to ask if that is a defense mechanism on his part due an ex from his past.

He loves his child in a way that you don't understand yet because you don't have a child yet. There is no way to explain this to somebody who does not have children. He sounds like a good dad, which means he would be a good dad for your kids too maybe, if you ever want them. It would be impossible for him to put you first, over his son, unless he was a bad father. But there is a difference in the way he sees you and his son. I know this is hurtful to you because I read your other post but he loves his son, what is he supposed to do????

I think they can, but for me personally, I would have a hard time with it. It probably wouldn't bother me at first, but it would get to me later. I wouldn't expect them not to have that type of relationship with their child, but there's a point where it can hurt the relationship.

I have two babies of my own, so I can't really say myself. I don't even think about who comes first when it comes to my children though. I love them, but I don't prioritize my love or affection, you know? o.O It's hard for me to think that people could feel second best to my kids though. I wonder if anyone does...

I'm sure they dont Squeek. I think its my fault as I have never really been around kids and an not really a natural like most people I see seem to be with Children. So I think if you are a bit standoffish you can make yourself feel like an outsider, I guess that is what I have done.

I'm going to try getting more involved and kind of inviting myself to the party if you know what I mean and see if that helps

Thank you. x

I agree that this sounds more like a relationship issue between you and your boyfriend. It sounds like the two of you need to work something out so that communication doesn’t break down when he has custody of his son. You can’t expect your boyfriend to drop everything for you, but your boyfriend shouldn’t be outright ignoring you either. There needs to be some balance. You guys need to work on a game plan; preferably when his son is with his mother.

May I ask how long you and your boyfriend have been dating? If this is a relatively new relationship it’s understandable that your boyfriend wouldn’t want to juggle you and his son at the same time. It simply wouldn’t be fair to his son to introduce this person into his life not knowing whether she’ll be there down the road. He also has a limited amount of time with his son. It’s important that he uses this time to bond and provide a positive influence. Perhaps this is something he’s concerned about. Ask him?

Right now it feels like you’re competing for your boyfriend’s time and affection. I understand that’s frustrating. Try to take another perspective. This is a child. You’re an adult. It’s not simply a matter of “coming in 2nd.” A child, regardless of whose it is, has far more needs. There’s just far more responsibility and obligation and your boyfriend has to meet that. Rather than fight against it, why not help him fulfill those obligations?