BPDs and cheating

Question for BPDs on this board...

Do you tend to cheat on your partners?

If so, do you think it was because you knew your parents cheated on each other whilst you were still young?

BPD here.
I have never, ever cheated on any of my partners because it goes against my personal value system. The end.

This is a painful topic for me. I still carry a lot of guilt and shame regarding my past infidelity. I never had a history of cheating up until that point and I haven’t had any desire to cheat since then. As far as I know I did not grow up in a household where cheating was an issue.

Something in me just snapped one year. I became a completely different person. I engaged in a lot of reckless and self-destructive behavior. I think once I crossed that line, I figured my life was over so I just gave up and continued that downward spiral. I made a lot of rationales for my behavior after the fact; I was making up for the ugly duckling years, It was a rush and a thrill for me, I was high on the attention, it was a coping mechanism, it was making up for my lack of experience before marriage, all the usual B.S excuses.

I’m sure there’s something to those excuses, but I can’t tell you what made me cross that line or what caused that change. For over a year I was another person and more out of control than I had ever been.

My adoptive father cheated on my adoptive mother. I vowed never, ever to cheat. I was able to be extremely faithful to my husband of presently almost 15 yrs., until, I asked a 18 year old to come smoke with myself and a friend. He was oh so happy to come along especially since we kind of hit it off. This was a couple of years ago. Now...I'm 33. My husband was led to believe he was gay. I finally confessed to my husband on his birthday while walking our daughter in her Bugaboo Cameleon around the subdivsion. I couldn't handle the lies any longer. Why on his birthday of all days, right? I can't explain why. He took it very, very hard of course. I ended it. The 19 year old guy cut his long blonde wavy hair and no longer appealed to me.

Then, I began self medicating with alcohol a few months to a year later here and there. I was also becoming a little barfly. I had a crush on the bartender. Nothing ever happened between us, really, to speak of. It was a little later on, when drugs found me again via a flirting car salesman of all people. I met one of his friends, whom I happened to be attracted to, as I was not at all attracted to the car salesman. He was just someone for me to receive attention from. I moved in with him (the friend of the car salesman) after my husband kicked me out upon arriving home the next day with zero phone calls to inform him of my well-being. He allowed me to come home, but I ended up moving in and out of our family home and back to the guy's home nonstop. The entire time my husband blamed a medication I was on as he continued to take care of our infant daughter and work a very stressful and demanding job.

My husband has a special place in heaven (per my beliefs) due to his forgiving nature. I hate myself for hurting him, but I don't really harp on it. There is some guilt still present. I kind of feel numb about it some of the time.

I say to myself I will never cheat again. I've almost been living back with my daughter and husband aka my personal security blankets for almost a year now. I do love him to pieces regardless of what I've done. He loves me for certain.

It's been a crazy road. I actually became pregnant for the non car salesman. My husband wasn't as angry as he was the first time around. I didn't end up having the baby, but for some reason, maybe to have the other man still connected to me as he wishes he were, makes me wish the baby would've been born. Attention. That's the only reason I can squeeze out of my BPD brain.

Capable of being faithful, but not dxed.

Yeh Im capable of cheating..

My Husband lives in another state, when he first moved away. I didnt get out of bed for the first week or two - I thought I was going to die.

Then my world went numb and I felt like a zombie.

Then I went out, got drunk and a guy that I am absolutely not attracted to kissed me. Next thing - he is my centre, I buy a new wardrobe, start trying to pick up hobbies that he is interested in. My zombieness lifts and I feel alive and happy again. And tell my poor Husband that this marriage needs to be open.

Luckily my Husband came to visit just in time to catch me in a full blown melt down, and we talked and I gained more awareness.

So now when he is away I have to stay sober, at home and not have physical contact with anyone.

But after all this is said - I hate cheaters I think its the lazy way out of a relationship. But in the above instance its like a changed to another person so I think its the BPD taking control.