Is there any hope

I recently have been diagnosed with BPD and also had the end of a two year relationship fall apart. I know looking back that 95% of the problems we had were because of my problem. I know that I need help and am seeking it. I love this girl greatly and wonder if anyone out there ever has had much luck with fixing relationships after fixing themselves. I know that I cant even try to fix things with her until I get the BPD figured out because she doesn't deserve to be with the controlling, manipulative person that I was. She has said that she doesn't want to talk to me or hear from me for a while and just wants some space so I am giving that to her but its really hard to not talk to your best friend. She says that she still loves me and that she believes that I can change and get a handle on this. Just wondering others thought who have more experience on this issue then me. Thanks

Yostie, I have been in your situation before, but on both sides. So, maybe I can give you some insight, at least as far as I had witnessed in my own life.

What you ought to do is focus on 'you' right now - just you. Your partner had asked you for space, so that is what you must give her. THis space will give her time to 'search' her feelings, and it'll give you time to better yourself. What you must NOT do is just focus on what has gone wrong in your life. Now is the time to start your recovery, right now. If she sees that you are doing everything in your power to get better (to 'change'), then perhaps there is indeed a future for you both. i cannot guarantee that, but you certainly stand a better chance by recovering and not slipping further into the murky world of depression and BPD. You agree?

What have you done so far with regard to a recovery? Perhaps 'recovery' is the wrong word to use, but you know what I mean.

Look after yourself chief,
Kevin

Hi Yostie,

i agree with Kevin. right now, recovery is what you need to concentrate on. sometimes you need to concentrate on yourself for both your sake and other people's, this is one of those times.

but you've answered your own question. whether there is any hope of repairing your relationship afterwards depends on whether that's what both of you want. She said she wants space, that's fine, just give her the space she needs. if she has said she still loves you and believes you can change, that means she's also saying she has faith in you, and must see the kind of strength in you that it takes to recover. once you can figure out the bpd, the choice to make it work will be up to both of you, not the bpd.

Thanks for the input guys anyone else still feel free to comment. Right now I have started CBT with a therapist here, and starting to work out again, about 4 months ago I got hit by a car on my bike and so I just got done with physical therapy for that and starting to feel semi normal again. I have been reading anything and everything I can get my hands on about BPD and things to do to control/help with it. I will be honest with you guys its so hard to leave her alone and give her space. I have been but shes about all I can think about unless I get busy with work or learning new things. Any advice on things to do to help recover/better myself and tips on giving her space are welcomed. I just worry by giving her space that she will forget about me. I know that I need to take care of myself first/ and change for myself no anyone else. Just wondering if hanging on to a little bit of hope is a bad idea, thanks again

hey

yeh you have to remember to change for yourself. I had a friendship straight after my 4 year relationship broke up and i stopped overdosing and selfharming because of my friend. she has bipolar and we were sort of strong for each other. we encouraged each other by saying if either of us self harmed we didnt spend the weekend together. That was fine for 6 months until i grew a major attachment to her and when we started going out drinking and she was bringing guys back at night i got all jelous and took an overdose, ending in me being sectioned and locked in ipcu on my birthday. That was the last time i seen her. we have spoke over the internet but since then i have went right downhill and have constantly overdosed and self harmed, so has she. the key to this is that i changed for her not for myself! i thought i was well again but i wasnt. so be careful and i wish you all the best. x

Hi, I'm new here and I realy hope that there is hope. Recently a new girlfriend (1 month) told me she was cancelling our date that night, it was all 'going too fast', and she didn't want to give me the wrong impression. Hence she wanted to cool it, spend some time on her own and evaluate what she wanted. Of course, initially I was hurt and panicked by this, I called and tried to get her to change her mind. I had only seen her 5 times but 'felt' something special. Her response to this was that 'we get on ok'. Since then (just over 1.5 weeks), I've done alot of introspection. Alot of thinking. Alot of searcing for answers. In retrospect, I can't argue that I didn't take everything way too quickly. I introduced romance to quickly, spoke of commitment too quickly, bought her gifts too soon and shared too much information too soon. At the time, it seemed normal. As it has done almost everytime I have met anyone since I was at school (I'm now 34), pretty much always with the same results. So you can imagine the 'revelation' I feel at coming towards this community and the strong suggestion that I may well be a BPD.

To add a little background, I was 'abandoned' at the age of 10 by my Father who prompted my parents divorce by his philandering which he made me complicit in. However, it was my Mother who left the family home (to return for me later), potentially doubling my sense of abandonment. As well as this I have lost two crucial relationships in my life both leaving me, one being the Mother of my son. So you can see now, that I feel a true terror of being abandoned again, and as my new counsellor tells me, it makes sense that I am constantly working hard to impress, be overly nice, make people (usually potential partners) like me, and forcing them away. I want her back. The right way. I want to resolve my personality disorders. Thank You for being here.

Yostie, sorry to hear about your accident, glad you're getting back on your feet.

I'm not too good for advice today but just wanted to say hello and hope you are doing OK.

Krayon wrote:the key to this is that i changed for her not for myself! i thought i was well again but i wasnt. so be careful and i wish you all the best. x

its the difference between changing your behaviour for someone and trying to "be" well. and really working through things, whether you do that because you care about someone else and dont want to hurt them or because you're doing it for you. for a lot of people with PDs, self-esteem issues can make it really hard to work on you for you. complications aside i know ive found that. getting there, where you're doing it for you as well as someone else is probably a big step along the way.

yostie wrote: I love this girl greatly and wonder if anyone out there ever has had much luck with fixing relationships after fixing themselves.

She has said that she doesn't want to talk to me or hear from me for a while and just wants some space so I am giving that to her but its really hard to not talk to your best friend. She says that she still loves me and that she believes that I can change and get a handle on this. Just wondering others thought who have more experience on this issue then me. Thanks

In my experience I've never had much luck, and usually once the relationship is destroyed it's destroyed. The fact that she wants no contact with you is not a good sign, but this would be the case for someone that doesn't have bpd. If you were talking about a friendship, I'd say your chances are better. Sometimes lots of time can heal wounds, and sometimes you and the other person just move on.

What I've told you in regards to your relationship though is the same thing I'd tell someone without BPD.

There's always hope, and people and situations are different.

Hey Everyone thanks for the input, going to give you a little update.

I started hangout out with some old friends, made some new friendships, started working out daily again, just finished my last semester of classes for grad school. So working on me and my life. Starting to feel like life is good again and I am in control of it. I know that I still have things I need to work on but I am getting there.

Now to get the advice on the female said. We have been talking and hanging out some. A couple nights a week we will go out on dates and hang out, getting back together came up the other night kind of random and she said that she wouldn't and I told her that I didn't want to either but once I felt like I had my life 100% back together that I would try again, she didn't respond. Its weird though when we go out we hold hands and kiss, say I love you all that, so I don't know what to think. I am just knowing that I need to keep working on myself and only worry about myself. I am thinking about once I feel like I have control over my life I am going to tell her what I want and what I see with her and if she doesn't want to try then I will say ok and just walk away. Any thoughts no that? Thanks for the help