A thought for BPD and "nons" alike.

I was responding to someone's thread just now, and I thought maybe I should post this a it's own thread just because I think it really IS an important thing to think about.


"People with BPD sometimes are quite afraid of changing, even for the better. I relate to this a lot, and it reminds me of what I had talked about with my psychiatrist once. He told me it was normal to fear that... to be upset by things being "normal." People with BPD are so used to the chaos and insanity of their emotions that the chaos is what is "normal" to them. I think people without the disorder don't really understand that, and we, those with BPD, tend to forget that others don't feel the same as we do. It makes for a sorta annoying relationship with people unless there's quite a bit of communication and explanation.

Well, to continue on us feeling "normal" to be on an emotional roller coaster, it actually is quite frightening when things are calm. This is why a lot of people with BPD sabatoge things in their for no reason, or OD... They need the upheaval because they're freaking out from the calm. "OMG what's going on? It's too quiet?" ... it's kind of disconcerting in a way. Sorta like if you turn off all appliances in your house. The still and quiet atmosphere is enough to drive you mad."

I have a mood disorder, not a personality disorder, but I am also guilty of self-sabotage. I have sabotaged relationships, jobs, friendships, etc. I don't do it so much now that I am a bit older, but in high school and college I was a real disaster. For me I think a lot of it stems not so much from desiring chaos but expecting it to occur no matter what and taking measures to avoid it. Unfortunately, these measures end up generating chaos too. For example, if I feared doing poorly or getting fired at a job, I would find reasons to quit. If I feared a significant other might hurt me emotionally, I would make up excuses to dump them, no matter how good they were to me. It's weird, but I think it's a control thing? In an effort to avoid chaos I actually end up creating it.

It could definitely be true that in order to avoid chaos, you actually are creating it. Not everyone is aware of what's going through your mind, so it's easy for them to start thinking you're doing certain things intentionally when it's all just a way to avoid some "inevitable" disaster.

Unlike you, however, I do have this drive for things to go wrong in my life. I never cause them intentionally, but I find myself thinking quite often, "oh, I wish I were the one that broke my hip," or just these last few days I've really wanted to have preeclampsia. I don't know why I want bad things to happen to me so badly. I guess it's the excitement. The escape from the monotony I feel life is. I'm aware that's pretty messed up though, to wish bad things upon myself all for the sake of excitement. I suppose, honestly, I also want the attention that comes with it.

I don't do that. Actually, I'm really terrified of bad things happening to me, no matter how minor, thanks to hypochondria and an anxiety disorder.

Why is it that you think you have these desires to have something wrong with you? Do you think it all has something to do with wanting attention? I wasn't aware this was a characteristic of BPD? Is it?

I actually have no idea why I want things to happen to me. It's not a new occurance either. I can remember wishing for the worst (not near-death obviously) even when I was, like, 8 years old. I really wanted to be hospitalized overnight when I accidentally stabbed myself with a pair of scissors and could've had a bad infection.

I don't really know myself what the cause of the desire is, actually. I wouldn't say it has anything to do with BPD, since it manifested so early. I always had strange... actions and reactions to things as a child. I remember my brother smashing my toe in the door, and then for the next few days I wouldn't leave it alone. I kept wanting to feel the pain of poking at it. Nowadays, though, there is definitely the desire for attention on top of the... weirdness. Thank goodness I'm not one to purposely do things to get that attention though. I just secretely desire it.

That's really interesting. Have you talked to a therapist about this? Have they given you any insight as to why you have felt this way from a young age?

Actually, no I haven't. I think I tried to once, but the counselor I had at the time (when I was 18) didn't seem to be too interested in it, so I have never said anything to any of my current therapists. I guess since no one else seemed to think it was important, I just have shrugged it off as being a weird kid. I suppose that's something I can one day discuss, along with the.... er... drawing of disturbing images (hentai-esque) at a young age. >.<

Wow this is so true!!!

kazine wrote:Wow this is so true!!!

I'm glad you read it.