Any thoughts?

by **jameshpd** » Sun Nov 21, 2010 12:13 pm

I posted this in the HPD section, but according to somebody there, it sounds like BPD. It's the exact copy from my original post. I remain skeptical as to what it is, and apologise for posting it twice, I just wanted it in the right place.

I came to this sub-forum because whenever I do the online "tests" (I use quotes because I know they're a pointer at best) I get put strongly in to the HPD and Schizotypal catergories. After researching STPD I realised this was not me, but HPD seemed to fit the bill. So here we go.

I'm male and don't consider myself attractive because I am not. This is a fact. So firstly, does this discount me from HPD already?

Ok so the attention thing. If I'm with friends I need it. I need to be the centre. I can go short bursts of time without it, but if someone else is the centre, it isn't just a discussion, then I hate it. I hate people who are funny, the centre of attention, interesting etc. if I don't know them. I then tend to get on with them flawlessly, doing my best to out-do them on all fronts. Not hard, you just have to lie and exaggerate, am I right? If they're my friend (which they never are), then they'd be put in 2nd place by me, no questions.

However at work it's just me and my boss who never talks. I've learnt to just get on all day, living out daydreams in my head all day. I just think and fantasize all day to make it work. I fantasize about all sorts. Usually money, or other things I'm not willing to commit to text. It involves violence.

I've had one serious relationship before, it lasted a while with me being as normal as possible (it was long-distance) but it soon turned sour. Every hour I spent with her was me sulking being in a bad mood. I maintain it was because I needed alone time, I still don't really know why I acted like it. We'd only see each other a weekend a month, too.

I deserve more from life. I messed around in school and never took it seriously so I'm destined to be working class all my life. But I deserve more, I'm too good for the people around me, I'm just better. It's frustrating.

Criticism doesn't sit well with me. If it's from a parent, it's met with ignoring; if it's a friend, I'll cut them from my life and try to make them apologise and I always end up needing them back; if it's my boss I can't say anything (he'd likely fire me) so I just turn crazy inside my own head. I'll just think about how I should kill myself. I think about that alot. I never would though, I'm a coward.

Praise on the other hand is much needed. If someone pays me a compliment or praises me, I milk in and keep talking about it. I'll bring it up as much as possible in the future and the present. If I feel I'm deserving of it, I'll do it myself and get others to agree.

I lie alot. I have to have a story to tell or a story to match somebody else's. Sometimes there are grains of truth, sometimes I just exaggerate, and sometimes I just flat out lie. But I'm good at it. I'm a very good liar.

I have money problems. I'll save it by being thrifty, but then blow it all on something stupid I don't need. Or if I do need something, I'll spend the maximum possible and always get the best I can afford (for example a car, I would go as high as my overdraft would allow).

I wouldn't say I have shallow, rapid-shifting emotions. Simply because I don't understand what "rapid" means. Does rapid mean hourly, or by the minute? And shallow? I don't know. All my strong emotions are always very real to me, but can evaporate if another comes along.

I run an inner-dialogue. I talk to myself constantly in my head. Answering my own questions, it's almost two-sided, but it is just me. Nobody tells me what to do or anything like that.

I'm easily influenced by characters from TV, movies and books. Even from friends actually. I'm a mish-mash of traits from people/characters I've seen. I can be the same person tomorrow, but take on completely new traits if this makes sense.

If I sound a bit strange, sorry. It's just 1.30am here and I'm tired. And you know how you always feel weird at night.

We can't diagnose you. You'll have to see a doctor for that. But even then, I don't think a diagnosis is any more useful than a rough guideline. They don't fix anything, and they make you feel worse after you get them. While they initially make you feel that you understand your problem, that feeling goes away rapidly when you still know that you are broken. A diagnosis of BPD helps a patient fix their own problems just about as much as a diagnosis of cancer would.

One thing I would note is that a diagnosis might be helpful to ensure that if you are being treated with something like CBT, that it won't exacerbate your issues. An untrained therapist dealing with someone from BPD is likely to do more harm than good due to projective identification (if that applies), rapidly changing desires for treatment (e.g. "the old crisis isn't important, but we need to fix this new one now!"), and attachment/abandonment issues with the therapist.

While your post certainly described some traits that are common in BPD, it is true that most people also have some of these traits. The key things in my opinion are the intensity and the thinking patterns. What you really didn't describe in your post are your thinking patterns. Your actions are just a consequence. If you were me, you would say "but I don't even know what I'm thinking or feeling!" It is tough to figure it out, it really is. But your thinking patterns are far more useful to understand if you have BPD or HPD than your actions.

One example that I would use is of a time I went into a rage at a coworker. It could be described without explaining my thinking patterns by saying that my coworker tried to surprise me in a parking garage by opening my car door. I then flew into a rage honking my horn and trying to assault him. But what happened in my reality was that I was trying to calm down after thinking during the entire drive to work of how much my family must hate me to not call me and invite me to drive halfway across the country for some holiday. I wouldn't have been able to anyways, because I would have had to work, but it made me feel so hated and alone. I was probably dissociating. Then the door of my car suddenly opens and all of this inner rage was directed outwards. On any other day I would have laughed. This day I was feeling mocked and invaded so I attacked.

Do you see what I am getting at?

by **jameshpd** » Mon Nov 22, 2010 7:45 am

Yeah absolutely. I more wanted to get an idea of whether I could justify a doctor's time with this, too.

Any thoughts?

Any thoughts?

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