confused about my symptoms and bpd diagnoses

i was diagnosed with bpd nearly 3 years ago they gave me meds and shoved me on my way. i have always been confused about the diagnoses as whats going on with me doesnt all fit with bpd if you get me? i havent had the confidence to ask for much help until i became a mum a year ago. now i want as much help as possible so i can be the mum i want to be which i am struggling with for various reasons at the mo... the bpd being one of them. i was hoping if i wrote down what it was like for me you guys could help me see what is the bpd and what may/may not be something else as ive never really had it explained to me.
ok for a start ive been slef harming since i was 13 cutting or burning with anything i could get my hands on, im really proud that i havent since i found out i was pregnant last jan however its getting harder and harder at times to ignore the urge. its also the fact that i hear voices and i do have a few other personalities that do sometimes take over, one of these voices bullies me and makes me want to self harm to a point where before ive not actually been aware i was doing it til after, which is bloody scary! alongside the self harm is suicidal thoughts and tendancies i have tried to kill myself by overdose twice. my moods are reatic to say the least in the space of minutes i can go from being happy to paralysingly low, just wanting to sit and cry but unable to cry or move til i come out of it...... i have bouts of being very low followed by bouts of sheer determination never really happiness which i hate.... didnt mind it before my son but now i just want me back i want to remember what its like to feel properly happy without worrying when the next bout of crapness is going to come... im not so great at the mo when it comes to my son either i find i have to force myself to do the simplist of things for him ie doing his nappy, even picking him up when hes crying which i hate coz i love my son totally he is my ray of sunshine that has done so much for me and all i ever wante was to be a mum, to have someone to care for, someone who needed and loved me unconditionally... now i feel like im not giving him what he deserves which isnt fair, the voices feed off this and make it even worse for me. as for my relationship i find myself going from being totally accepting and greatful for everything my other half does for me to wanting to scream at him for what he doesnt do......... ive always been taught to think about what i say before i say it to a point now i over analise pretty much every social situation including keeping any negative stuff in and turning it on myself to a point im in tears and it just comes spilling out.... i also have ocd tendancies with numbers and patterns ie i count absolutly everything and have to find a pattern in everything, everything i own has to be in mutiples of 5 of whatever the item is if i have less i have to buy til i have enough or if i have more i either get rid of some or buy til im at the next multiple. even when im talking or doing anything there is always something around me to count or find patterns in i dont always realise im doing it, its just there like a backgroud task on a pc running away to itself. i think thats it my head isnt totally with it atm due to meds i take for other conditions (fibromyalgia, neads and ibs). so what can you guys relate to in my post? please say im not alone, what if anything doesnt sound like bpd from your points of views? please let me know as i really need to shed some light on all this so i can get to grips with the diagnoses. would also like to mention im awaiting an apointment from the CMHT to get some more support and help, mayb even meds so i can find me again, the me i know i can be and want to be

Hi, Indra! Looking for patterns everywhere is associated with OCD, but so are intrusive thoughts, sometimes. Maybe this might explain the voices? You probably need therapy as well as meds to deal with all this.

Hi Indra,

I agree with Jasmin that it sounds as if you definitely would benefit from therapy. From what I hear, it is common that people with BPD are shoved aside and have a terribly awful time receiving the in-depth and empathic treatment that they espeically need to heal. Givin you meds and shoving you off in a corner is not likely to give you anywhere close to the help that you need. Indeed, I think it does precisely the opposite. I hear you with concerns to the confusion. BPD is an infuriatingly confusing label. I am still trying to figure out what exactly "it" is-- and as I research, my conclusion is that people do not really know. Sure, there is the DSM IV criteria, but various clinicians and psychoanalytic theorists have widely variant views about the situation.

I am actually right there with you in the confusion. I have never officially gotten the label, though I think I fit many parts of it according to the DSM IV. I think what I am finding more important that understanding the label though, is slowly, understanding myself and situation as a person. That is why I think it is important for you to find a therapist that you can trust and who can explore the pain and confusion with you.

Peace to you,

octavia

Well Bpd is a conglomerate of many symptoms and you can have other symptoms on top of being Bpd. Please odnt take this the wrong way but i think you need to work on evicting those extra voices in your head. You should be the end all leader in your mind. There are enough people controlling us in the physical world to allow it to happen in the sanctuary of our own personal mind. Thats the one place where you should have control.

Congrats on being a Mum, i hope it fills you with joy and a sense of pride and duty. The fact you are looking for help even though you were sent on you merry way definitely says something about your character. You can do it and all thats left is for you to accept who you are and be the master of your universe.

Show the world your wonderful smile