Utter despair and hopelessness. I don't know what do...

I'm not even positive if this is what I have, but it would definitely help explain my entire history of behavior- I'm posting here because I'm hoping to find advice on how to move on from this.

I cannot forgive myself for totally ruining a great relationship.

I'm a very isolated person. I barely ever meet anyone I can just be comfortable around and just be myself and be happy, until I met my ex. He is the ONLY person I've met in my entire life who I was able to just connect with 100% We could sit around all day and do absolutely nothing.

But everytime I was away from him and he wasn't calling me constantly, then I would immediately start sending him these emotional emails about how if I don't hear from him then I automatically am going to assume that I'm not on his mind, and therefore can't be all that special to him. He would constantly reassure me and be understanding, he's really mature and caring, and I know none of this was true.

We never even really technically broke up- he pulled back a little and wanted to give me some space, which I agreed, but then I would constantly attack him about not caring about me. He would still call and check on me, and said that even if it didnt work out he still would value me as definitely one of his closest friends.

He tried to be there for me and I still wouldn't leave it alone. I would send email after email. And I don't know if any of these is even making sense- but I totally ruined everything. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. Everything would've worked out fine if I'd just let, but I couldn't and now there's no saving it ever. Not at all. Not even as friends. I've totally ruined myself in his eyes.

I'm living with my mom right now- I've been out of work for a while (quit my job before we broke up- that's when it first started going downhill really)- and I had quit a really great job about one year prior to meeting him. Anyway- I've been looking for work that doesn't require much interaction with anyone, since I can't stand socializing for the most part- but I know whatever job I get, it's going to be torture. I just don't see the point in anything. Even if I get that part of my life together- I know for a 100% fact that I'll never meet anyone I connect with on that level ever again (mentally, emotionally, intellectual... we even shared the same interests and taste in music- which I listen to heavy metal- so it's hard enough meeting anyone as it is).

He was my perfect guy. He tried to be there for me, and I totally pushed him away, and I don't know how to get over it. It's all completely my fault. It's like I wouldn't stop until I left such a bad taste in his mouth that he wouldn't ever want to talk to me again. He's constantly reassured me over and over again that he would have no reason whatsoever to not ever want to talk to me again unless I made it so. And what did I do? I sent him an email saying I don't blame him for not wanting anything to do with me, and that I know he doesn't care about me.

I feel ######6 obsessive and crazy. I would be fine for a couple of days, and then after not hearing from him I'd breakdown and send a crazy email. Now I'm sure I won't send him anything else because I know for a fact that there's nothing left to send. Pretty certain he's positive I'm crazy and why would anyone want to deal with that.

I spend all day in bed crying. I have a few calm moments here and there, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself for this. I had a really great guy in my life and I threw it away for no reason at all- I saw that it was happening and I still couldn't stop myself, and I know I wont ever get a second chance. I know I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I know I could get any guy, but I wouldnt ever truly love them. I dont think I'm capable of loving anyone else. He's the only one I've ever been able to open up to. Anyone else I would be settling for and it wouldn't last. I don't want anyone else.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I just feel so full of utter despair. Like it hurts to just be awake. I don't know what to do about it. It's not like just a regular breakup where you just move on. It's the fact that I did it to myself. That's the worst part of it. I just feel stupid and worthless and I can barely concentrate on anything else. It just hurts and I dont know what to do about it.

The time I spent with him was the only time I was totally just at ease and happy. When I was with him everything was fine, but the moment he'd leave- for work, with friends, whatever- I would just unravel. It's like unless he was there holding my hand, I wasnt sure if I existed to him.

The last I heard from him was days ago, when he reassured me once again. He basically has enough sense to know when to leave something alone, but I don't obviously. And just in those 8 days I've sent countless emails- and they're totally random. One minute I totally agree and say that there's obviously other issues I need to work on, and I know that he's been understanding, etc, etc, but then as they go on I just lose control and by the end of the emails, you wouldn't even think the same person had sent them.

This is the longest I haven't heard from him, so I'm pretty I've succeeded in totally driving him away 100%.

I look back and I can see every single moment of damaging behavior. I know each and every moment that I did something destructive to our relationship. And I wish I could take it back.

I know there's no point dwelling on something in the past. Something you cant change. But I'm just full of regret and self-hatred, and I don't know what else. I just don't know how to stop it. I just want him back, but I know to hope that would be utterly futile.

do you see a therapist or psychiatrist for medication?

Not at the moment. I did think about finding out what I need to do in order to start seeing one once I started working again, if im not better by then- which I'm pretty sure I won't be. Hopefully it won't get worse before I then. I wouldn't think that it could, but we started taking a break almost 2 months ago. I still had little contact with him though, and we would still talk for hours on the phone- maybe 3 weeks ago I actually got to the point where I felt perfectly fine. Like I knew what I wanted out of life, I had goals set and was actually at peace.- everything was planned out.

That lasted a few days, then one day I woke up and none it seemed like me at all, and I knew there was no way I could ever be happy doing that, and everything just seems pointless. And then I started the emails all over again. I've done the most damage I think in these past 2 weeks, and especially in this past week. I think I've hit the point of no return as far as he goes.

Anyway, yeah I guess it wouldn't hurt to see someone as far as learning to control myself for the future, but I almost feel like it's not even worth it bc the damage is already done. Even if I am able to stay in control in the future, it'll be bittersweet because in won't change the fact that I've already ruined the best possible thing I could've had. Imagine winning the lottery and then tearing up the ticket. For no reason. There's nothing you can do to put it back together, and you'll probably kick yourself for the rest of your life knowing that you'll never have that chance again.

I honestly feel like I had reached the highest peak and no matter how happy I ever manage to get, I'll never ever reach that high. So it's kind of like what's the point. Like if I can't be happy with him then there's no point being happy at all...

Which I know that's stupid, but that's how it feels. He was just the only person who understood me and who I could be myself around and who I could really talk to on a deep level about everything and anything.

Anyway, I'll shut up now. I know there are people with WAY worse problems than me. I'm just whining I guess.

I just wish there was something could do right now to feel better in the meantime until I do talk to someone. Maybe that's not possible though...

seekanddestroy,
I'm just guessing from some of the things that you have said that you are somewhere in America.

Thanks. I'll definitely look into it. I start work tomorrow which is honestly earlier than I expected. A little scared, but I guess that part of my life is slowly coming back together, but I know it's only a matter of time before it falls apart again unless I get some help.

Thanks for the info.

good luck with the job!

so much information online with articles and stories.

read Angry Hearts though

I hear you and at least you reached out, that's awareness, hope it lasts so you can get the proper treatment, or even helping yourself per the book Angry Hearts.

some articles are very ... harsh ... and can seem one end of the spectrum of the BDP type. there's a range and typically (based on my readings) ... always mixed with bipolar (actually not much of a difference), narcissism, paranoia ... so much can be mixed in. There's the passive type too of the BPD ... so just fyi when you do read some of the articles that really make the BPD sound so horrible (but that's b/c they are those, hence the articles.

Good luck to you ... "knowing is half the battle".

hi seekanddestroy,

Im new to this forum but just found your post. Im not sure how your feeling now but I just wanted to say i have experienced EXACTLY the same thing as you. I had a perfect boyfriend, he meant everything to me i loved him more than anything in the world and jealousy and just acting like i do pushed him away and its just so frustrating coz i couldnt stop pushing him away but at the same time would be so hurt that he didnt care about me as much. i know i will never find anyone like him, and now iam so regretful that iv just accepted the fact that i will probably just be single forever because anyone i do find however nice they might be will never be as good as he was. i hate myself for doing this more than anything. when he originally broke up with me we decided we had to try and be friends, but even then i would still pester him and ended up pushing him away even further coz i just couldnt let go..and now i think we are definately past being friends too now i also dont even want to try finding someone else coz im scared the same thing will just happen again and i cant be arsed to go through that much hurt and despair again nbecause it was just so horrible.
iv only recently had to open up to one of my friends that iam borderline because my impulses have become very dangerous and even though i cant stop myself i worry about what i could end up doing. so now my friend is going to help me get help so maybe one day i might feel a tiny bit normal.
hope your ok, i can relate to how you feel so much

Mistakes happen. Dont beat yourself up about it. We have all fouled up a relationship we shouldnt have. The thing is though we never know what tomorrow will bring. This guy and your remorse could just be a stepping stone so that you are mature enough and ready fro your future boyfriend, or in the end you may get him back and it will work because you are fully aware of what went wrong. Fight for what you want and dont give up until there is no choice. At the same time though trust that you can and will be ok. No one can predict tomorrow. We all hit times were we feel trapped and with no way out. Like things will never change and life is not worth it. but like i said life will change and bring about unexpected surprises. you only have one life to use up in the most creative ways you can imagine start getting creative. Do what makes you happy and and dont get hung up on past mistakes because if that were the case we would all lock ourselves in the closet and never come out.

I remember one time a girl dumped me and i was so hurt because initialy didnt want to date her and then i gave it a chance and got all into it and when i started to fall for her then she dumps me. I cried for like three days and let myself feel it and i thought and thought while watching a marathon of a Family ties (which comforted me). I remember thinking to myself, " I spent 18 years of my life without her and was perfectly fine and had plans and now 4 months with her and i cant imagine a future and everything feels hopeless?" I kept asking myself WHY? The answer finally came in realizing i had tied her into all my future plans and now that she was gone my future went with it to. It meant starting over. WHo wouldnt feel hopeless after that? I realized it was just a state of mind and that the hopelessness and suffering was just a process. So i let myself cry, i let myself feel and i let myself think and build a new image of life in my head. A week later i was fine and a week after that i hung out with her and saw her as only a friend and a piece of my history.

Just know that it will be ok. If you have to fight for him, then do so. If you have to let go then do so, but know that "the sun will rise" everyday and bring about something new and one of those days it will be something special just for you. Your only as beautiful as you feel

that was very nice Majikstranger