Article - How a BPD Love Relationship Evolves

I didn't look at the second article, but how is the first article biased? It was written by a psychotherapist, not a jaded ex.

Acorn wrote:Struggling2010--The "family" site can be a good venting/support place for us so-called "nons," but it is colored by the experiences of people who have been hurt-- badly. People post the worst-of-the-worst experiences. It's not a mental-health support site for the actual "consumer" the way this site is.

It's good to read a lot of articles and get different viewpoints, but I would just caution you to take things with a grain of salt. ALL people do not ALWAYS do ALL things. Saying that all people with BPD will do x,y,z is like saying "all women are catty" or "all men cheat." Unfair generalizations, and really not helpful to someone who wants to interact in a healthy way with anyone with a PD.

Absolutely agree! Many gray areas indeed.
I've read more articles and books since. Some are better then others.

janinerocketmail stated exhibiting the traits as noted in the article. there are others, obviously who disagreed/s.

I just dont know what to do!

I've fallen off my perch.

that's good to know though that you are aware and know the difference
Are you in counseling / therapy?

questions for janinerocketmail,
hopefully it's ok ... ?, here goes ...

when / how do you ... "decide" to move-on to another? And do you think you seek, consciously or not, more or less, looking for another ... person ("source") for your ... "need"? (Sorry, not sure what words to use

What do you suppose ... makes you, "hoover" the one vs. the other "source"?
Do you think you always have ... someone ... to fall back on?

Trying to understand when / how there's a "long" term relationship and when it's DONE before moving onto the next person.

And WHILE in the relationship, it seems some are "unfaithful" ... and caused by the fact the person feels like they are being abandoned so the person goes to another "source" (be it a physical person or online "cheating") ...

not sure if i'm really making sense here, not sure what exactly i'm trying to ask other then that i'm trying to understand when the person gets to the end of the cycle as explained in the 1st article you related with, they can go back to the 2nd phase in and out for a long time. Hence the relationships that are years, etc ...

When do YOU think you decide to move-on and completely end with the one you were with? When does it stop?

Thanks!

I read the first article and I have to agree with what was said above: it is rather unfair, biased and somewhat exagerrated.

I am speaking as a non Borderline. I did experience much of what the writer is describing, however much of it is exagerrated because not every person can be fit into one pigeonhole, not borderlines either.

For one example, he describes the borderline as "sex will be incredible...the intensity of her erotic passion." Obviously this is exagerrated and does not describe everyone. My wife is almost certainly borderline, and she was pretty good at sex but not as wild as some others. At one pt. when she was very close to an emotional breakdown she was wild, but that was the only time.

I had another girlfriend who was very wild in bed, she was like insatiable. She thought she was borderline in fact. She even had a masters in psych and was convinced she was borderline. At the time I didnt know anything about borderline so I thought she was. However after I read the book and figured out my wife I realized the wild girl wasnt borderline at all; her main issue was that her emotions were always up or down; today she might be referred to as Hypo Bi Polar, or rapid cycling Bi polar. The difference was she never tried to sabotage our relationship, she was just very happy or very sad.

the article obviously uses language that is totally over the top and not fair to borderlines: "Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration.." Is this really needed? This is hardly cold objective explanation, it is just hyperbole. Also much of the article makes it seems as if this is all some sort of plan on the part of a borderline, when in fact it is probably just their way of dealing with the world and us non borderlines dont understand it. I dont think my wife deliberately went out to sabotage our relationship. And yes, she did have a lot of aches and pains, but I dont think she was playing a game, she really felt like that. She still has a lot of aches and pains.

Also it should be pointed out, that originally back in the 1930s the guy that studied this said that borderlines could go through three phases: psychopathic; psychotic and depression. This is when they go full out and have a breakdown or fall apart. A lot of the extreme things the article talks about only happen in those rare moments when a borderline is full out psychotic or full bore psychopathic. My wife only got to this stage once and then wound up in hospital.

there are lots of exagerrations in the article and lots of language that makes it seems that the borderline is doing this on purpose. This is not what I would expect in an article that is supposed to be scientific or objective.

So i do sympathesize with those that did not like the article. But a lot of what he says is true, my wife did feel aches and pains, she did not start to act psychopathic, etc.

Another BPD article/resource that makes us sound like an evil, malevolent, manipulative succubus. I can read those articles objectively, so I'm able to take what I want out of it, and throw the rest away. But I think it's unfortunate that so many bpd resources sound like this. I think it's better to inform loved ones, and those around you with unbiased articles. If they go to do their own research, they are going to find a lot of articles like this, and we just have to hope they can look at it accurately as well. If I were a non, and I was reading an article like that about my emotionally unstable partner, I'd get pretty terrified/concerned that I was with a sociopath. I don't think it's healthy to fill non's heads with that kind of information, there's enough stigma already, and the last thing we need to do is have our loved ones see us as someone manipulative and evil, especially if we want their support and understanding.

I think even normal people at time have little strategies to get someones attention, or tend to their desires. Men do it all the time. They make themselves appear to be what you want, or what you need, or to have a commonality with you, to get closer to you. It's not something only "evil bpd" people do, as some way to manipulate you into feeling pain. These cycles are difficult for even us bpd's to go through, and we don't know that they are coming ourselves at time when they do. I stayed out of relationships for a long time, and constantly told guys I just wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship because I knew my bpd caused me to constantly push-pull people, and ruin relationships. It at times turned me into an impulsive emotional monster, and I hated feeling that way, so my best course of action was staying out of relationships. I always warned guys that I was this way ahead of time as well, because I felt like they had a right to know they were getting involved with someone with severe emotional issues. It was the same with my current boyfriend. I gave him all the warnings, I told him initially I was not at all interested in a relationship, and we were friends, who didn't even kiss, or hug for the first few months. We were very nervous friends, and just worked on our motorcycles together, and slept on opposite ends of the bed if I had to stay the night because we were up working on them too late. Even in that friendship I would push-pull because I knew I was becoming emotionally attached. I would stop talking to him for weeks at a time suddenly, and he would reach out to me, and I would be distant, and unattainable, because I was afraid if I continued to make myself available, and vulnerable, I was going to get attached and hurt.


Anywho, I don't think most borderlines really have a full strategic plan of how they are going to lure in, and then turn against any guy in their life. Perhaps some do, but I don't think all do. I think it's just as painful for us to go through those cycles, and we are always hoping we will do things the right way 'this time', but it never ends up happening, because our emotional instability is just more then we can handle at times, especially when a lover/relationship is involved.