I am thankful I found this site. I recently learned that my ex maybe suffering with BPD.
I've read a lot of articles about including a friend that stated he is.
I've been struggling with what happened and want to understand a few things, if it's possible.
This is addressed more so to the ones with BPD or recovered from BPD ...
2+ year relationship ended horribly a month ago on 9/9/10 where he, from reading reached the Hater phase / stage of the BPD cycle? I've been going through the stages of healing (i think), hurt, devastated and crying, anger, terrorized (how could he have done this to me ... and then not show any inkling of remorse / apologize)?
I will try to tell the story here best I can without making it longer then it will as it is yet give enough info so the situation can be understood well enough that I can receive some feedback / insight in trying to survive through what happened. And hope he can be helped and that no one else gets hurt. I apologize if it seems like I'm rambling ... I suppose I might be ...
1st stage of a BPD: He made me feel ... special. He made me feel desired. Sex was amazing. He said that too. That he's "never had it all" like he does with me. How long he was checking me out before getting the nerve to approach me. He is a shy guy and quite but very awkward. Many saying he's "weird".
But we had some issues early on. I had trust issues with him and I let him know. One of our conversations was that he doesn't want to ever loose me or want me to ever leave him. I told him do not ever lie to me, hurt me in anyway. He lied to me. It was about something he said he did that I was helping him with and it appeared that he did not. I was fuming that he lied to him not long after I said do not ever lie to me. We didn't talk for a few days. Although he called and left msgs and texts, acting like nothing really happened. We got past it. To me it was the principle/the point of it and not what he "lied" about. At least that time.
There was a woman he talked to a lot. He told me things that she said seemed uncomfortable n I told him he'll be leading her on. She seemed interested in him. I found out he did not decrease or end their friendship. He ended up ending their friendship, she went "psycho". She said things that he did and said to her that are not of mere friends. He denied it. Basically she took it too far. They ended up in court for defamation. I still doubted him. Things she wrote didn't make sense. Had major trust issues w/ him. He lied, deceived, n betrayed me more then once. Now after all that's happened I have to wonder, and very much suspect, that she too was a "victim" he was working?? I now believe several things she said were in fact true. Things like what he said to me. Why would she know? He tried to assure me and his reasoning as to why she would say these things. Like "you're hot", "you get sexier everytime I see you", "you're torturing me", why would he tell her these things IF he didn't say them to her? He's explanation was that she wanted to know, verbatim what he said to his ex's. And she has a psychology background and he was getting relationship advice from her. Since we were having difficulties all ready. That that's all she was. One of the accusations she made at the end was that he tried going down on her, why would she make that up, why not something else? This is something he tried with me at the beginning too. Too many things he said and did to me she was saying he said and did to her that I was very doubtful YET he took legal action against her for these things b/c he said they aren't true and to prove it. As there was no other recourse b/c she would not stop "vilifying" him.
We've been in and out of the relationship a few times, all my initiating them. He's gone through self-pity, suicidal, which brings me back b/c I truly cared about his well being, yet ... he kept doing things that upset me. I verbally abused him as I got angry with him when he couldn't fix it. or when he refused to do things on my terms as he screwed up and I needed certain things so I can start trusting him again. But something, something kept bringing me back to him. I hated it. I told him it'll be hard for me to let him go. I'm thinking now that's the stage where they know they are in control and the Hater comes out?
He's shown extreme jealousy, thoughts that I've cheated on him too. And when we had problems and I was angry with him I didn't want to "see" him and he always argued that no matter what I should spend time with him. In translation for me, it was about sex. That I should always give it up to him. "We love each other" "Why can't we just be with each other". Just do it, even if we're fighting kind of attitude is what I got, so it seemed to me.
We were having difficulties this past month ... again. But he still wrote and said things like "don't ever leave me". What it'll do to him if I leave him. He doesn't want to give me up. I'm perfect for him. Promise I will never leave him, etc ... (i saved a few of the text mgs., chats, emails of this just days before the "incident"). But he seemed to have changed yet again (last time I mentioned a change, i believe is considered the 2nd stage of the BPD cycle, where I'd notice that the "honeymoon" stage of adoration subsided.
He started talking with an old friend (female) a LOT in August, especially late August and into September. Obsessively. All kinds of hours, long periods, short but many times throughout the day. I told him try to get together w/ her and let me go, it'll be easier for him. he said he doesn't see her that way yet he was talking w/ her a lot. I told him if he wants to work it out w/ me he should not be talking w/ another girl so much like that. he wouldn't like if i did. He agreed. Plus he didn't tell her he was involved and working things out. The day b4 he assaulted me this girl called him a dozen times. a couple of them she was crying. she left him msgs about wanting him to call her one more time. she'll show him her poetry, baby pictures whatever he wants she'll do. I told him this is not right. what's going on. he said she has her own issues, loosing friends, etc ... n she's just a friend. I told him he needs to tell her he's involved and decrease talking w/ her and not see her. He said he will on his own way. later i found out she went to his family's house and he was with her that night. He did not tell me then nor the next day. The next day he called her first thing and two more times b4 calling me. We met up. We got into a fight. This is when he strangled me twice n tried to rip my mouth apart for calling for help. I've never seen him that way.
He started being really angry person, come to find out, after he started talking with this girl so much. He started verbally abusing me too. About a week before this, ever since he found ... another "victim", an attachment I'm thinking to this girl. I guess in some aspects it's "normal" when you find someone else who's giving you some support and whatever you want to call it to feel detached from the current person. He never cursed at me and got very upset when I did. I told him some people curse when they lash out. This girl has all ready (the night he left her stranded at his parents house, 3rd night after getting out of jail). I told him that. He denied it and told me GET USED TO IT. He attacked me n can't say sorry or explain or nothing. I don't get it at all.
He's told me he's only had 3 girlfriends before. His first out of high school. It takes him a long time to get over them. The 1st two cheated on him and he left. (i really wonder and actually said those things to him when I was angry). That they must have done that b/c they didn't know how else to get out of the relationship and that was the only thing he would not tolerate. Now I wonder what really happened. And if there were more girls then he's actually said. Just as he lied about the woman at the beginning of relationship. And lied about having sex with another girl (b4 we met but for me the principle of just simply telling me the truth is what bothered me about this situation). The last one he didn't fully feel towards her. He couldn't make love to her much b/c of that. He says he can't have sex with someone he doesn't love or feel like there's something.
That day he attacked me he wanted to have sex. He tried to unbutton my pants. We were all ready arguing with each other. He had said he was sexually frustrated just days ago. He had also said he has anger issues and he thinks something's wrong with him just that Monday. I've said to him many times, and sent him many articles about trust, the importance of trust, rebuilding trust, etc ... I've even told him to go get help and counseling. He said go with him and I was willing to go together. Not only for him but for our relationship. it didn't happen. I don't know if he's looked into counseling now after what he did. Or if he realizes what he actually did to me? but then there's the cost. His financial hardship was a big factor. I've told him he should see a counseling or someone and he asked me to go with, i was willing to do that for us.
i spoke with this girl. she told me she was there that wed. night b4 the attack (this is how i found out she was with him and he said nothing to me about that). i had texted her, as coming from him, to stop calling/texting him so much b/c he refused to do it. she said she showed it to him as she was there with him at his brother's house. he told her to "ignore it". She doesn't see anything wrong with how much they spoke w/ each other and that he never told her about me or his involvement. i told her that ever since they started obsessively talking w/ each other that he changed that much with an attitude towards me, his behavior and not wanting to tell her he's working on it. she said that's not her problem.they've known each other 10 yrs of which 8.5 yrs she was secluded w/ her ex. she just found out his bday and didn't even know how to spell his last name. i contacted her when he was in jail. helped her look up the info and told her what he did. i've also texted her some more info, including copies of the police report. I've been researching n abuse doesn't stop n they could end up killing. so one sense worried for her, another sense is i'm struggling w/ what these two have done and said to me. they have seen each other since he got out (of course).
i've contacted him to say why he hasn't written to show some remorse or some apology. that he was given chances to let me go and to go be with her (before i knew what the other things) and he didn't want to yet this is what he tried to do me, almost kill me? I spoke w/ an old friend of his and was told he loves me and thank you for not pursuing prosecution. that's it. i don't get it at all. i've written several times, and left several msgs as he "ignores" a lot when he goes into his "episodes". no foul language, just asking why he hasn't sent me my things n how he could do this and not even show some remorse or some apology. I am very confused, hurt, and do not know what to do. I want him to write something so I can know the truth about how he felt. The other thing is he hasn't sent me my personal things. Things I bought for us, for him b/c he wanted it. I don't know why he'd keep them. And almost sickened thinking he's used them with her or will use them without a second thought.
I feel like I was played and helped an abuser, man-handler, liar, a fraud all this time as the defamation case was about. He blamed me for being in the case and costing him a lot of financial loss. In fact he said that the very day of the attack when he called me. When I went to his place to talk about it. He said that to me. I never forced him to do the lawsuit. It was advised to him he's left with no other recourse if the woman keeps doing that to him. I said if that's what you're left with and go ahead. But I did NOT force him. He decided he felt he had no other choice to prove himself to me that he is not those things that woman was vilifying him about. BUT after all this, after all he did and what he ended up almost killing me, he proved to me otherwise in my eyes. He's anger, resentment, attitude over that and I didn't really want to stay with him and told him to be with this other girl which he was obsessively contacting anyway, which he denied. He said he was talking with her a lot b/c we weren't getting along and she's been more of a friend to him.
he's chats:
August 17, 2010:
9:21:41 PM understand what you will do to me if you leave me?
10:46:44 PM my life is ###$ up, it be more if you leave me,,,,,,,,,,,,
Saturday, August 21, 2010
7:08:28 PM
your all i really have, i may talk or or be friends with people you see around but deep down your the one I can talk most to and if you understand how this is and feels ,,whaty iam going thru. Iam still mad at you, no i dont want to give you transcript, you should f just came over on Wed. as i asked,
September 1, 2010
7:08:28 PM i dont want the ending of friendship. I still want some sort of friendship between us, your all i really have, i may talk or or be friends with people you see around but deep down your the one I can talk most to and if you understand how this is and feels,,,
Saturday, September 04, 2010 11:19 PM
i need to know if i can depend on you, you never leave me, assure me as i to everything you ask for, but with that i need your respect of me and how i feel you in my life forever, but not with the pain, iam sure it goes with you on that anger deep inside because of you, if i give you all back myself again, please do feel, even if it was my doing ,,its justthta your all i got and i don't want to need your help to get back the relationship of what we had, such as me and you you coming to be with me on my days off, having lunch together,
and not too many days before he had said things like he thought about wishing he can get me pregnant so I stay with him or won't leave him. How he will always love me. I am perfect for him. There's never been anyone else. He has bought me a ring (engagement, although he didn't know it at the time, but wanted to get me something to show me how serious he is or something like that. He said he's never done anything like that before.). A crystal rose (to symbolize forever), feathered rose, and diamond stud earrings on my last birthday. All I gave back to him when I got really upset with him. He was very hurt and upset I would give them back to him. But I said I can't keep those things when I don't think we have anything. Before the ring he got a vasectomy ... "because I asked". We talked and he does not want kids, nor did I. I made sure he was certain about it. Later he used that, that he got that done for me, and the other things he did for me.
And just the day before, he asked me to promise him (he asked this many times) that I will never leave him. I told him I can't make such a promise. But as long as he doesn't lie to me, deceive me, betray me, hurt me (physically as the other things are hurtful too) then I won't leave him. But in the end he lied to me, deceived me, betrayed me too many times as it were, which he again lied to me about this girl and then ended up actually physically hurting me by what he did. He said he'd never do to me.
He was taken into custody and booked into jail for a FELONY ADW (assault with a deadly weapon) - GBI (Great Bodily Injury) 245(a)(1) for strangling me. Choking me twice (internal bruising, pain swallowing that lasted about a week) and tried to rip my mouth open when I called out for help. He was out on Monday. I contacted DDA and submitted my request to not wanting to pursue. They heard my wish and also decided not to prosecute. Two charges were in review. False Imprisonment and ADW. Domestic Violence would have been another charge. He said his hands slip, it was one hand then the other (police report make a point of him changing this part of the story).
Needless to say I was shocked. One that he hurt me like that and can't show remorse / apologize, two that he, basically lied to the deputy when being questioned. However, there are times when I feel that I was an abuser to him. Verbally which in turns into an emotional abuse. I did talk down at him when I got so angry. He's said I treat me badly, and my response was if you didn't act that way I wouldn't have to curse him out / lash out and "treat" him badly. I've also argued that he was delusional, self-absorbed, etc ... b/c he would always get focused on his hurt feelings then trying to make up for what he did to me. He's said I was abusive. And yes, I was in that sense. He began his abuse to me with lies with that woman. Lying is abusive. He never understood that. I tried logic, I tried the "turn the tables around". I've sent him several articles are the importance of trust in any relationship, etc ... I always felt he never understood how trust is so important and to me. And how was I to truly believe him and trust him and give him all of myself the way he wanted IF I felt I couldn't trust him. B/c he lied to me, deceived me, and betrayed me more then. And think, there's something wrong with me too ... b/c i kept going back to him. Was it the suicidal attempts he did, the thought that I am just like everyone else that abandoned him / gave up on him (not knowing about BPD), and sex was really good (needless to save). And the idealization really is like a "drug". So all these things are why I suppose ... it makes me sick though. And want to know what he thinks and feels about it all.
Just the other day, as I'm "mulling" over the events, etc ... I realized that he attacked me when I ripped the origami that was there on top of the crystal rose box. It wasn't there the day before and knew he got it from her. As noted, we were arguing. He said he think he knows why he's so angry, he blames me for his legal financial losses. I told him it was ultimately his choice, i never told him to do that. I said IF he thinks that's his only option and he wants to prove to me that woman was lying about him and he wants to regain my trust, then that's his option. It's up to him and he decided to pursue it. Costing him more $$ then it should have though. This is another topic in itself.
I don't get it at all. How did he change like this and turn into this monster?
I am devastated that he can't even write me, so an inkling of remorse / apology? How does he continue to hang out with the girl (I'm suspecting) as she was with him 3 nights after he got out of jail and was left stranded at his parents house with those cursing voice messages. How can she be with him knowing what he did? But I've also read that he'll tell her and others just what they should or want to hear and make me the "crazy" person and all the horrible ways I treated him, as if I somehow deserved it or had what he did to me coming.
I understand the no contact with the circumstance. He was told, by another, a restraining order was going to be served but I am not doing that.
Thank you in advance ... I don't know what to do, what to think. I am having a hard time accepting what he did. I wonder what he's feeling, thinking, and doing? And what he thinks about the emails I sent. I sent quite few about abusive relationships and borderline personality disorder articles. Some are about how hurt I am and how could he do this to me after all that he said to me, why won't he send my things (i've asked several times now) ...
And I don't believe he'll try to get back, considering what he did plus he all ready started with this girl (the new victim) before it "officially" ended which he did in a horrible way. I am truly besides myself.
Not sure also why he hasn't moved away, as one of the things he did was find a job near me and got a place near me. And one of the things I said, when trying to break up with him was telling him, asking him to move away. I tried to make it all me, that I'll have a difficult time getting over him so to help me, get involved with someone, the girl mentioned above, to move away, to change his number, change his email ... he's done none but the girl (as noted, he began their "relationship" before doing what he did to me, all the while still talking about "salvaging" it and making me promise him not to leave him.
What's he thinking and feeling and doing?? I've been thinking that if I someone knew he's miserable for what he did to me, that will somehow make me feel that he has remorse and suffering from it and I think that would allow me to cope better with everything. However I don't think so, it seems he's been with that girl. And want to terrorize them.
How does he think he can just "move-on" after what he did? I didn't contact him for a week then on 10/9/10, one month after he tried killing, text him "a month ago today you attempted to kill. strangled n choked TWICE, n trying to rip mouth apart. how do u live with urself n show no rmorse" ... and "u grew an attachment with [girl] when u began ur hostility in Aug. b/c her origami was torn n blame for ur case. since u've been w/ [girl] since".
I made the mistake of cheating on people I cared about... The first time 'cause I was afraid he was leaving me already... the second time because I was stuck on wanting al the attention I could get from men, and I convinced myself that it was fine to do what I want just because I didn't have the label of girlfriend at the time. I still hurt people... and I still feel bad that I keep others around because I'm afraid of being alone...
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