New here.I think I'm borderline..HELP!

Hi everyone. I've been having issues for a good 6 years. I'm in my young 20's. I started therapy 2 weeks ago but it was just my intake & I have to wait a whole month until I have my second evaluation. I have to go to low cost because I have no money or insurance.

I've always been spoiled. I relate money with love. If someone doesn't buy me something then I don't feel as if I'm loved.I will spend as much as anyone will allow me to. I don't have a job and I have no desire to get one because I cannot comply with anyones rules and only do things on my own time. My mother is a liar and always has been. I think this is one of the main reasons I have the issues that I have. My dad is ok but we aren't real close. I have a close father like friend but recently he's turned on me and become verbally abusive. My bf is great and we've been together for almost 5 years. He understands me the best out of anyone.

I'm EXTREMELY paranoid of everyone and everything. I think everyone is out to get me and that they're always plotting against me. I always thinking everyone is doing and saying things behind my back. I have "theories" on everything. They are almost always wrong but it still won't stop.I distrust everything unless I see an absolute fact. I ask a BILLION questions..trying to catch someone in a lie.

When I get mad..look out! I yell and cry and curse and flip out. This happens almost everyday. I've recently become violent.. if I get ignored by the person I'm arguing with..I will punch or scratch them. It sounds so awful writing that but it's true.

Sometimes I have a very conceited opinion of myself..but 5 mins later I will think I'm worthless. I flip back and fourth a lot.

I struggle with sexual issues also. I know I'm straight but I hate anything sexual..even kissing. It's all gross and unnecessary to me. Occasionally I will feel the opposite but it's rare.

2 years ago I began seeing & hearing things. I had 2 pets pass away. I would see them all of the time when I was driving at night. Within the last 4 months I now see people. I always think they are my bf (he can even be sitting right next to me)..I look for a second and then they transform into the person that they actually are and I can clearly see it isn't him. Sometimes I hear people talking or beeping sounds.

As for eating- I've never had an eating disorder but I go through periods of eating barely anything and then I'll go through periods of eating a lot. I'm very skinny though so I don't think this is a problem..just strange.

I have a MAJOR fear of getting lost. I cry uncontrollably if I think I'm lost. I also cannot travel far from anyone. I'm afraid they'll need my help or they'll die and I won't be there to save them. If they don't answer the phone- I assume they're dead and will call non stop. I've called people for 3-4 hours non stop.

I have an awful memory.

I have a very specific schedule and do everything in the same order every single day. If I can't..I will freak out. I have an issue with germs also. I'm very clean and afraid of getting sick or smelling bad.

I 've never self harmed but I always threaten because I'm afraid of being abandoned by everyone. VERY afraid! I never feel good..I always have a stomach ache or aching something. I exaggerate it to get others to feel bad for me and give me attention. Which barely works because they are so used to it by now. :/

Any input would be greatly appreciated. I've looked up many disorders and I feel like I fit them all in a way. UGH I'm sorry if I come off as a complete jerk! I really don't want to be this way and I try so hard not to be but nothing seems to work. Therapy is my only hope.

Um, humans are fallible, ask a "billion" questions about anything and eventually we'll flub up some detail...even you have this trait, so relax, take a breath. As far as why you came to this particular forum, for borderlines, for help, I am curious. Did someone give you a particular diagnosis? Borderlines aren't typically violent towards others, just ourselves: emotional agony/impulses drive us to self-harm and suicide (if not constant ideation). But we do specialize being on the precipice, so how can we help you?

Therapy is a good start. Writing is good too. What angers you the most? You detailed much, but what specifically about waking up in the morning and going outside angers you?

I felt as if BPD fit me the best out of everything I have read up on. I have constantly changing moods. Up and down all day.

I wake up with a panic attack everyday and I think about all of the things that could possibly go wrong or piss me off. I get mad if something doesn't go exactly how I expected it to.

sleigh wrote:I felt as if BPD fit me the best out of everything I have read up on. I have constantly changing moods. Up and down all day.

I wake up with a panic attack everyday and I think about all of the things that could possibly go wrong or piss me off. I get mad if something doesn't go exactly how I expected it to.

You need someone to apply the DSM to your mind and get a proper diagnosis. Clawing someone's face because they don't answer a "billion" questions adequately sounds like something else, but I'm no doctor, so I don't know. Self-diagnosis is not helpful, for yourself or when you do it to others. I'm not lambasting you, I'm just saying, go get the DSM thrown down on your noggin' and find out what is exactly going on.

I'm going to go through what you said and highlight what I think are signs of BPD.

sleigh wrote:I'm EXTREMELY paranoid of everyone and everything. I think everyone is out to get me and that they're always plotting against me. I always thinking everyone is doing and saying things behind my back. I have "theories" on everything. They are almost always wrong but it still won't stop.

Huge sign. I have this.

I distrust everything unless I see an absolute fact. I ask a BILLION questions..trying to catch someone in a lie.

Another big sign, I have major trust issues as well.

When I get mad..look out! I yell and cry and curse and flip out. This happens almost everyday.

Borderlines have intense emotions and this display of anger fits.

Sometimes I have a very conceited opinion of myself..but 5 mins later I will think I'm worthless. I flip back and fourth a lot.

From what I know, borderlines usually feel more on the worthless end, but I have had episodes of both (although the conceited one is very short lived), so that could fit the criteria as well.

As for eating- I've never had an eating disorder but I go through periods of eating barely anything and then I'll go through periods of eating a lot. I'm very skinny though so I don't think this is a problem..just strange.

I do this - it fits under impulsivity.

I have a MAJOR fear of getting lost. I cry uncontrollably if I think I'm lost. I also cannot travel far from anyone. I'm afraid they'll need my help or they'll die and I won't be there to save them. If they don't answer the phone- I assume they're dead and will call non stop. I've called people for 3-4 hours non stop.

Issues of abandonment are huge for the typical Borderline.

I have a very specific schedule and do everything in the same order every single day. If I can't..I will freak out. I have an issue with germs also. I'm very clean and afraid of getting sick or smelling bad.

Sounds OCD like, but it can be another diagnosis along with BPD. Often, people with BPD are rigid.

I 've never self harmed but I always threaten because I'm afraid of being abandoned by everyone. VERY afraid! I never feel good..I always have a stomach ache or aching something. I exaggerate it to get others to feel bad for me and give me attention. Which barely works because they are so used to it by now. :/

Again, fear of abandonment and attention seeking behaviors (borderlines want/need a lot of attention)

OH MY ! I SAW THIS AND I HAD TO CUT AND PASTE!

I have filled your quote Sleigh with my adaptions...nice to know we are not alone

Hi everyone. I've been having issues for a good 10 years. I'm in my LATE 20's. I started free therapy 2 YEARS ago but it was PANTS AS I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME. I AM STILL WAITING FOR MY NEW APPOINTMENT AFTER A DIAGNOSIS 6 MONTHS AGO. I AM BEGINING TO THINK ANY MONEY I HAVE TO SPEND ON THERAPY IS NOW WELL SPENT. YOU CANT PUT A COST ON YOUR HEATH.

I've always been spoiled. I have a job BUT I FIND I HARD TO comply with anyones rules and I LIKE TO DO things on my own time. My mother HAS ALWAYS FELT THAT MY DAD AND I NEVER DID ANYTHING RIGHT(SHE PROB HAS BPD BUT WOULD NEVER ADMIT IT). I think this is one of the main reasons I have the issues that I have. My dad is LOVELY but we aren't real close BECAUSE I FIND IT HARD TO BE CLOSE WITH PEOPLE.

I'm EXTREMELY paranoid of everyone and everything. I SOEMTHIMES thinking everyone is doing and saying things behind my back. I have "theories" on everything. They are almost always wrong but it still won't stop.I distrust everything unless I see an absolute fact. I ask a BILLION questions..TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME AND ASK MY BOYFRIND A THOUSNAD TIMES A DAY 'DO YOU LOVE ME' BECAUSE I DONT FELL IT OR BELIEVE HE DOES.

When I get mad..look out! I yell and cry and curse and flip out. This happens AT HOME. I've become violent PREVIOUSLY..I TRIED TO STRANGLE MY BOYFRIEND AS HE WAS DOING MY HEAD IN. It sounds so awful writing that but it's true.

Sometimes I have a very conceited opinion of myself..but 5 mins later I will think I'm worthless. I flip back and fourth a lot.

I struggle with sexual issues also. I know I'm straight but I hate anything sexual..even kissing. It's all gross and unnecessary to me. Occasionally I will feel the opposite but it's rare. I FEEL TOUCHING IS DIRTY. IT IS ALL TOO MUCH HASSLE. THE ONLY TIME I HAVE EVEER MORE IT WAS WHEN I HAD ONE NIGHT STANDS.

I HAVE NEVER began seeing & hearing things. I JUST KEPT HAVING PICTURES OF A MAN WHO DIED IN A LOORY CRASH IN OUR TOWN IN MY HEAD, OR KEPT THINKING I WAS GOING TO BE SEXUALLY ABUSIVE ( even tho this is a TOTALLY IRRATIONAL THOUHGT)

As for eating- I've never had an eating disorder but I go through periods of eating barely anything and then I'll go through periods of eating a lot. I'm average but with a muffin top though so I don't think this is a problem..just strange.

I have a MAJOR fear of BEING lost IN LIFE. I cry uncontrollably if I think I'm lost. I HATE SPEAKING TO PEOPLE ON THE phone- I a

I have an awful memory.

I 've never self harmed n because I DONT THINK I COULD. I DO THINK ABOUT IT THO! I never feel good..I always have a stomach ache or aching something. I MAY exaggerate it to get others BUT I DOES FELL SO BAD

I really don't want to be this way and I try so hard not to be but nothing seems to work. Therapy is my only hope.

SAM


Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 10:39 pm

OH MY ! I SAW THIS AND I HAD TO CUT AND PASTE!

I have filled your quote Sleigh with my adaptions...nice to know we are not alone

Hi everyone. I've been having issues for a good 10 years. I'm in my LATE 20's. I started free therapy 2 YEARS ago but it was PANTS AS I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME. I AM STILL WAITING FOR MY NEW APPOINTMENT AFTER A DIAGNOSIS 6 MONTHS AGO. I AM BEGINING TO THINK ANY MONEY I HAVE TO SPEND ON THERAPY IS NOW WELL SPENT. YOU CANT PUT A COST ON YOUR HEATH.

I've always been spoiled. I have a job BUT I FIND I HARD TO comply with anyones rules and I LIKE TO DO things on my own time. My mother HAS ALWAYS FELT THAT MY DAD AND I NEVER DID ANYTHING RIGHT(SHE PROB HAS BPD BUT WOULD NEVER ADMIT IT). I think this is one of the main reasons I have the issues that I have. My dad is LOVELY but we aren't real close BECAUSE I FIND IT HARD TO BE CLOSE WITH PEOPLE.

I'm EXTREMELY paranoid of everyone and everything. I SOEMTHIMES thinking everyone is doing and saying things behind my back. I have "theories" on everything. They are almost always wrong but it still won't stop.I distrust everything unless I see an absolute fact. I ask a BILLION questions..TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME AND ASK MY BOYFRIND A THOUSNAD TIMES A DAY 'DO YOU LOVE ME' BECAUSE I DONT FELL IT OR BELIEVE HE DOES.

When I get mad..look out! I yell and cry and curse and flip out. This happens AT HOME. I've become violent PREVIOUSLY..I TRIED TO STRANGLE MY BOYFRIEND AS HE WAS DOING MY HEAD IN. It sounds so awful writing that but it's true.

Sometimes I have a very conceited opinion of myself..but 5 mins later I will think I'm worthless. I flip back and fourth a lot.

I struggle with sexual issues also. I know I'm straight but I hate anything sexual..even kissing. It's all gross and unnecessary to me. Occasionally I will feel the opposite but it's rare. I FEEL TOUCHING IS DIRTY. IT IS ALL TOO MUCH HASSLE. THE ONLY TIME I HAVE EVEER MORE IT WAS WHEN I HAD ONE NIGHT STANDS.

I HAVE NEVER began seeing & hearing things. I JUST KEPT HAVING PICTURES OF A MAN WHO DIED IN A LOORY CRASH IN OUR TOWN IN MY HEAD, OR KEPT THINKING I WAS GOING TO BE SEXUALLY ABUSIVE ( even tho this is a TOTALLY IRRATIONAL THOUHGT)

As for eating- I've never had an eating disorder but I go through periods of eating barely anything and then I'll go through periods of eating a lot. I'm average but with a muffin top though so I don't think this is a problem..just strange.

I have a MAJOR fear of BEING lost IN LIFE. I cry uncontrollably if I think I'm lost. I HATE SPEAKING TO PEOPLE ON THE phone- I a

I have an awful memory.

I 've never self harmed n because I DONT THINK I COULD. I DO THINK ABOUT IT THO! I never feel good..I always have a stomach ache or aching something. I MAY exaggerate it to get others BUT I DOES FELL SO BAD

I really don't want to be this way and I try so hard not to be but nothing seems to work. Therapy is my only hope.

SAM


Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 10:39 pm

Wow we def have a lot of similarities! I went the to psychiatrist last week..I was diagnosed with OCD and I'm sure there's more to come. They suggested medication but I am very against it and I want to face my problems and not just hide them with medication. I'm not saying that's the case for everyone..but for me I don't wanna take anything. I'm super allergic to everything anyway so it would probably cause awful side affects.